And she called me Elizabeth.
Like right before it rains.
Riiinngggggg. Lunch! Fuck its about time, I need to see this girl, what was her name again? Breezy? Hmm, what a different name. I wonder if she'll want to sit by me... Yes I have been at this new school for 2 months and still sit alone, I don't mind, I just grab an apple, bottled water, shove my ipod in my ear holes, whether its dead or not, and focus on a new safe spot. Today, however, was different.
"Hello Elizabeth."
I turn to see the pretty tan face smiling at me. Wow. It takes me a few minutes to realize I haven't said anything in about 20 seconds, shit, talk idiot!
"Hi," oh real smooth Joey.
"How's your first day?" She ask grabbing my elbow leading me to the outside benches. Goosebumps again, damn-it why does this keep happening?
"Well, its not my first day... I've been going here for 2 months..." I start walking closer to her, she smells nice, not like stuffy perfume, its a natural sent, like right before it rains.
"Oh shit! I feel like a dick now I'm sorry," She blushes and interlocks our arms, the light shade of pink on her cheeks are adorable, it completes her innocent look. Why is she being so friendly? Why is she holding my arm as if we've been friends forever? Everyone can tell I'm completely uncomfortable with this arrangement. I don't move away though, I don't want to come off rude. She pulls me down on the soft, still damp grass and I sit criss-cross with my hands in my lap. She softly crashes into the ground giggling as the grass tickles her tummy where her shirt slightly rose up. She adjusted herself to a more comfortable position and pulled her shirt back over her toned stomach.
"Elizabeth," she looks concerned, how can she be concerned? I haven't done or said anything in 5 minutes, "What happened?" She gently grabs my hand flipping my arm over, shoving the sleeve of my dark gray jacket I had just put on up to my elbow. Breezy's fingers tickle my fore-arm as she slides the sleeve up. I hate goosebumps.
I stare at my scared arm, completely numb, I've counted, its close to 34 maybe 35, all together, cuts and burns up both of my arms. I push my sleeve back down.
"Old habits, " I mumble, I've suddenly found myself blushing 10 times redder then Breezy had, and I know she knows. Its hard not to tell, I mean, the evidence is very clear. I hate myself. I haven't cut myself in awhile, not since I was rushed to the hospital. Then out of no where I found myself talking to Breezy, not just about anything, about stuff I had never told anyone, about stuff I thought I had made myself forget.
"When I was 12 years old, I was taken away from my father, he was addicted to drugs, I don't think I ever remember him not being fucked up. I lived in Utah then, and my teacher's started complaining about my being tardy and sometimes the fact that I didn't even show up for class at all. The principal made a phone call to DHS and they showed up later that week, " I stopped for a moment to check out her expression, blank, with a hint of sadness, so I continued.
" They knocked on our trailer park door and I answered, still in my pj's, when I saw the police car parked outside, I burst into tears, my father laid on the couch, eyes bloodshot, he didn't even look away from the tv, he just said, 'take her'. And they did, they took me to foster care, that's when I met Jennifer and Addison."
Breezy interrupted, " Who are they?"
"Oh, sorry, Jennifer is my foster mom and Addison is my sister," I took a few moments to re-compose myself, I will not allow myself to cry, I will not shed one tear.
" When I was 13 they moved us to Oklahoma, everything seemed to be getting better, until I got a phone call from my dad. He called and told me that he hated me, that it was my fault he got evicted, it was my fault he had to spend half of his life in jail," I paused," That's where he is now," then continued," I started crying, no sobbing, telling him how sorry I was, that I never meant for him to get in trouble. He just cussed at me and told me he was better off without having to watch a stupid-cunt like me. Then he hung up," I was silent, I had been staring at the grass for the whole story. Breezy reached out for my hand and took it, my hands were so sweaty, but she didn't seem to notice.
"Its going to be ok Elizabeth, you have me now," she smiled, not her cute bright smile like before, this time it was subtle, warm, comforting. She pulled on my hand, helping me up.
"We are already 4 minutes late for our next class," she reminded me of how school had a schedule.
"SHIT! I gotta go, Breezy I'll talk to you later," I let go of her hand and run to class, wiping the tears off my cheeks. I hate crying.
"Hello Elizabeth."
I turn to see the pretty tan face smiling at me. Wow. It takes me a few minutes to realize I haven't said anything in about 20 seconds, shit, talk idiot!
"Hi," oh real smooth Joey.
"How's your first day?" She ask grabbing my elbow leading me to the outside benches. Goosebumps again, damn-it why does this keep happening?
"Well, its not my first day... I've been going here for 2 months..." I start walking closer to her, she smells nice, not like stuffy perfume, its a natural sent, like right before it rains.
"Oh shit! I feel like a dick now I'm sorry," She blushes and interlocks our arms, the light shade of pink on her cheeks are adorable, it completes her innocent look. Why is she being so friendly? Why is she holding my arm as if we've been friends forever? Everyone can tell I'm completely uncomfortable with this arrangement. I don't move away though, I don't want to come off rude. She pulls me down on the soft, still damp grass and I sit criss-cross with my hands in my lap. She softly crashes into the ground giggling as the grass tickles her tummy where her shirt slightly rose up. She adjusted herself to a more comfortable position and pulled her shirt back over her toned stomach.
"Elizabeth," she looks concerned, how can she be concerned? I haven't done or said anything in 5 minutes, "What happened?" She gently grabs my hand flipping my arm over, shoving the sleeve of my dark gray jacket I had just put on up to my elbow. Breezy's fingers tickle my fore-arm as she slides the sleeve up. I hate goosebumps.
I stare at my scared arm, completely numb, I've counted, its close to 34 maybe 35, all together, cuts and burns up both of my arms. I push my sleeve back down.
"Old habits, " I mumble, I've suddenly found myself blushing 10 times redder then Breezy had, and I know she knows. Its hard not to tell, I mean, the evidence is very clear. I hate myself. I haven't cut myself in awhile, not since I was rushed to the hospital. Then out of no where I found myself talking to Breezy, not just about anything, about stuff I had never told anyone, about stuff I thought I had made myself forget.
"When I was 12 years old, I was taken away from my father, he was addicted to drugs, I don't think I ever remember him not being fucked up. I lived in Utah then, and my teacher's started complaining about my being tardy and sometimes the fact that I didn't even show up for class at all. The principal made a phone call to DHS and they showed up later that week, " I stopped for a moment to check out her expression, blank, with a hint of sadness, so I continued.
" They knocked on our trailer park door and I answered, still in my pj's, when I saw the police car parked outside, I burst into tears, my father laid on the couch, eyes bloodshot, he didn't even look away from the tv, he just said, 'take her'. And they did, they took me to foster care, that's when I met Jennifer and Addison."
Breezy interrupted, " Who are they?"
"Oh, sorry, Jennifer is my foster mom and Addison is my sister," I took a few moments to re-compose myself, I will not allow myself to cry, I will not shed one tear.
" When I was 13 they moved us to Oklahoma, everything seemed to be getting better, until I got a phone call from my dad. He called and told me that he hated me, that it was my fault he got evicted, it was my fault he had to spend half of his life in jail," I paused," That's where he is now," then continued," I started crying, no sobbing, telling him how sorry I was, that I never meant for him to get in trouble. He just cussed at me and told me he was better off without having to watch a stupid-cunt like me. Then he hung up," I was silent, I had been staring at the grass for the whole story. Breezy reached out for my hand and took it, my hands were so sweaty, but she didn't seem to notice.
"Its going to be ok Elizabeth, you have me now," she smiled, not her cute bright smile like before, this time it was subtle, warm, comforting. She pulled on my hand, helping me up.
"We are already 4 minutes late for our next class," she reminded me of how school had a schedule.
"SHIT! I gotta go, Breezy I'll talk to you later," I let go of her hand and run to class, wiping the tears off my cheeks. I hate crying.