Waiting on a Diamond and a Tether

Ali's point of view

Ever since I moved in with Michael, I’ve had this recurring nightmare where I’m walking by an elevator on my way to work and someone suddenly jumps up and pushes me down the elevator shaft. Then, just as I’m about to hit the ground, I wake up and I can’t seem to get back to sleep. Sure, I’ve spoken to friends about it, but they all just brush it off and say it’s stress. Yet, every night, as I lay there awake, I wonder what it would be like if I did hit the ground. I wondered if it was true that if you die in a dream, you die in real life.

Tonight was the same ritual; I sprung up, gasping for air at 2:41 am. I looked over to my left, Michael was still sound asleep. However, tonight was somehow different; I couldn’t seem to catch my breath no matter how deep I inhaled and anxiety was kicking in. It felt like someone was sewing up a hole that I couldn’t seem to get opened fast enough. Nervously, I sprinted to the bathroom and splashed water on my face hoping to calm down; no help. I was freaking out.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Michael called as he opened the door, still half asleep.

“I-I can’t breathe,” I finally let out, gasping for air. I was crouched over the bath tub, sobbing. He sat down in front of me and cupped my face in between his hands.

“Listen to me, you have to stop crying, it’s only making it worse. I’m going to drive you to the hospital, alright?” he said to me as he helped me up. He grabbed the keys as I slipped on my shoes, but my chest kept getting tighter and tighter. Minutes later, we were at the emergency room and I was immediately taken inside.

“Mrs. D’Angelo, I see here that you’ve had a mild to moderate panic attack,” the doctor said to me as she reviewed my chart hanging from my hospital bed. By then, I’d calmed down considerably courtesy of an adrenaline shot given to me earlier. I sat there until morning came and waited for the doctor to discharge me.

“Well, I wouldn’t call it a panic attack—”

“It says here that it was brought on by high levels of stress and anxiety. Any idea what could have caused it?” she asked, writing things down as my facial expressions changed.

I looked to Michael who was sitting on the sofa and back to the floor. She asked me if anything caused this. Well, how about the fact that I have no idea where my life is heading or why I’m stuck in a dead end job. Or how about that I can’t seem to find the will to go back to school although that’s exactly what I should do. Or how about that I’m an irrevocable people-pleaser and that I moved in with a guy that I see absolutely no future with. Or how about that my life is so full of shit that it’s like somehow, someone placed it under a magnifying glass and I’m on the outside, looking in. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I hadn’t for a while.

“No, nothing out of the ordinary; just work and paying the bills,” I responded when really, I was burning up inside.

“Well, make sure you get some rest and if anything else happens; come to the emergency immediately,” she smiled and left my room. The nurse then came to pull out the IV I had running through my arm and I was free to go.

The drive back to the apartment was quiet; Michael was tired and I was exhausted; mentally and physically.

“I think you should take the rest of the day off,” he said, breaking the silence.

“I can’t just not show up; we’re already short on staff,” I explained. I think he just needed an excuse to spend time with me; I’ve been distant for weeks now.

“I think Urban Outfitters will keep existing and making money if you take a personal day, Ali,” he added, sarcastically.

“Well aren’t you clever today,” I shot back, starring out the window into another grey and rainy day. When I was little, my mother and I used to pick rain drops on the car windshield and race them to the bottom of the window. She always let me win, claiming mine got there first and I naively believed her. It’s in times like these that I wished I still lived with her and that she was still there to take care of me and I didn’t have to fend for myself all the time.

“What’s your problem? I’m telling you this because I love you and I want us to spend the day together because it seems like I haven’t really talked to you in ages—”

“Fine, fine. I’ll call in sick,” I replied, irritated and held the phone to my ear. Truth was I didn’t really mind skipping work today; I just didn’t want to stay home alone with Michael. It’s like we already ran out of things to say to each other after 10 months yet somehow we were living together.

“Here; I made you lunch,” Michael held out a plate in front of my face as I woke up from a much needed nap on the couch. I rubbed my eyes and sat up.

“Thanks, what’s in it?” I asked, opening up the sandwich. He took a seat next to me and turned on the TV.

“It’s tuna, celery and mayo,” he responded, flipping through the channels.

“Mayo? Mayo makes me throw up; don’t you know that? I basically told you that on our very first date,” I shot back, annoyed.

“Fine, I’m sorry; can’t you eat it anyways? You don’t even taste it,” he replied without even looking at me.

“It’s not the point; everyone knows I hate mayo except you? That doesn’t make any sense; do you listen to me at all when I speak?” I shouted back.

“Of course I do—”

“I’m trying to have a conversation with you right now and you’re not even looking at me!” I yelled, tossing the plate on the table.

“Because you’re arguing about a fucking sandwich! Fine, don’t eat it; sorry for even trying,” he yelled back, grabbing the plate and tossing it into the sink. He leaned over the counter and sighed. I looked out the window. The apartment went silent.

“What’s wrong with us?” He uttered after a while.

“I don’t know.”

“It’s like ever since we moved in together, nothing’s gone right,” he said, his voice filled with disinterest.

“I know.”

“Wow Ali, way to fix things! Just answer me in two word sentences, great,” he added mockingly.

“Well what do you want me to say? That I think we rushed things? That I’m uncomfortable in my own house?” I shouted back, standing up now.

“So why did you agree to moving in with me?” He yelled.

“What did you except me to say: ‘No sorry, I think it’s a terrible idea’?” I shot back. I felt like my words were hitting him across the face; I’d been holding it in so long.

“At least it would have been honest. Look, where exactly do you think this whole thing we have here is going?” He bluntly asked. I didn’t want to disappoint him, I still cared for him.

“I don’t know Mike,” I sighed. “Maybe... Maybe we need a break,” I suggested. I turned my head the other way; I couldn’t look at the frustration on his face.

“So you don’t even want to try to fix this now?” He replied, shaking his head in astonishment.

“I can’t just pretend things are okay right this second Jo—, I mean Mike; I need time to think this over,” I openly said.

“So that’s code for you’re breaking up with me?” He asked.

“No Mike, it’s code for leave me time to think and stop suffocating me! That’s all you do! I can’t sleep here tonight,” I yelled, irritated as I grabbed my purse and ran to the bedroom. I pulled out a change of clothes and my toothbrush and took my keys.

“Ali, wait—” Mike yelled as I stormed out the door. I slammed the door shut and got into my car. Minutes later, I was out in the rain, ringing at my friend’s door.

“Ali, what are you doing here?” Ally asked as Anny appeared at the door also.

“Mike and I had a fight; can I crash here for the night?” I asked already half way into the house. I already knew the answer; they were like my sisters.

“What happened?” Anny asked, her voice filled with empathy. Ally took a seat next to her and I was sandwiched between their web of questions that was about to strike me.

“I don’t even know. It all started with mayo in my tuna sandwich—”

“He put mayo in your sandwich? I’ve known you since we were six and even then it was one of the first things you told me,” Anny yelled, flabbergasted.

“Anny, I don’t think that’s the point she’s trying to make. Keep talking,” Ally interrupted.

“Well, after that, everything just kept getting more and more out of control and I basically called for a break and broke up with him and it’s just one big mess,” I said as Anny handed me a tissue.

“What are you going to do?” Ally asked, messing around with her hair.

“Oh my God, I even called him John, I just remembered!” I cringed, covering my face with my hands. The look on their faces was filled with sorrow. “I don’t know what to do with anything anymore. I have a job that’s going to take me nowhere. I don’t know if I’m even still in a relationship and quite frankly, I don’t want to be and—”

“Slow down Ali, slow down,” Anny warned. “Now listen, if this relationship isn’t going anywhere, then end it. It’s best for both of you. It’s his apartment so I guess you can live with us for a while until you get back on your feet,” she kindly suggested.

“Anny’s right, Ali. Plus, there’s an opening at my office. If you want, I could put in a good word for you and get you an interview,” Ally suggested.

“I can barely consider GoMerch as an office, Ally,” I laughed to myself.

“Well it’s better than picking up clothes off the floor and greeting people at the entrance all day,” she replied and she was right.

“I don’t know, I always thought that if I went into the music industry, I’d be a writer for Alternative Press, not making band t-shirts,” I stated, sincerely.

“You’d be doing more than that first of all and second of all, I think you need a change,” she replied. I took a deep breath and looked at both of their convincing faces.

“Fine, get me the interview,” I replied and genuinely smiled. They both burst up and applauded.

“You won’t regret this Ali; I can feel it,” Ally joked. I smirked and placed my arms around them.

“You guys are the best, you know that? Thank you,” I replied.

They went to sleep earlier than I expected. I wasn’t tired yet, so I just hung by the TV and opened up the sofa bed. I felt like I had a purpose again after tonight, maybe that panic attack was exactly what I needed.