Waiting on a Diamond and a Tether

Ali’s point of view

By the time I got back to the bus, the sun had set and it was time to hit the road. I hadn’t gotten lost per-se, but I wanted to make John pay for what he’d said and I really enjoyed being alone sometimes. I went around town, showered at a women’s fitness club, got my eyebrows done, grabbed a bite of sushi and bought a couple of daily essentials any girl traveling with 5 guys needed to have around.

“Hey bob, I’m back,” I smiled as I got on the bus.

He set aside his newspaper and smiled. “Hi darling, how was your day?” He asked, making wind with his folded up newspaper. It was oddly warm on the bus. It was usually so cold I had to sleep with an extra blanket most of the time.

“Pretty good, it’s always a good day when it’s spent at the beach. I could have stayed there all night,” I responded, airing out my t-shirt. “How about you?”

“Well, as soon as you guys left, the air conditioning broke which explains why it’s so gosh darn hot in here and I’ve been trying to get it fixed all day, but no one was available so I’ll try again tomorrow,” he added.

“Oh alright, has anyone else gotten on the bus?”

“Kennedy, Patrick, Garrett and Jared came to get their things and said they were bunking with another band tonight and John hasn’t gotten on the bus yet,” he replied, unfolding his newspaper again. I thanked him and walked to my room. I couldn’t believe they were actually not sleeping on the bus tonight. I didn’t blame them for it. Truth was that if the roles were reversed, I’d probably be fed up of hearing us argue too. The thing was that I was just nervous to be alone in the same area as John. Who knows what we’d find to argue about, but it was bound to be about something. We were like an old married couple that fought about anything and everything just to keep from being bored. Except we weren’t old or married or a couple.

I changed into my pajamas, tied my hair up and settled down in the kitchen to watch TV. There was nothing on, as usual, so I turned on the eleven o’clock news and made some popcorn. Minutes later, the door to the bus flew open and in he came in all his glory. I rolled my eyes and grabbed my bowl of popcorn.

“Why is it so hot in here?” He asked, running past me and entering the bunk room.

“Hello to you too...” I trailed off.

“Hi,” he added dryly, emerging from the room minutes later. “Why is it so hot?”

“Because the air conditioning broke,” I responded. He scuffled angrily.

“Where is everyone?” He asked again, taking his shirt off.

“They aren’t sleeping here tonight.”

“Why not?” He added, obnoxiously.

“I don’t know! I don’t control them, John. If it’s so important to you, call them and ask,” I yelled back, flipping through the channels.

“What the fuck did I do to you? All I did was ask a simple question and you get all defensive and shit,” he shot back.

“More like what you didn’t do,” I mumbled to myself.

“What? Speak up Ali if you’re going to bitch at me!”

“I said, more like what you didn’t do,” I shouted back, looking him straight in the eye.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” John yelled back at me.

“Like it even matters to you what anyone else is feeling. Just fucking forget it.” I didn’t know why I was acting like this, I had no reason to. Maybe I just needed attention or maybe I was just extremely frustrated or maybe both. All I knew was that all the build-up was finally pouring out of me.

“Quit beating around the bush and come out with it, Ali!”

“I said just forget it!” I replied and stormed off to my room, slamming the door behind me. Seconds later, I heard the bunk room door slam shut as well. We didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore and it was obvious to everyone, including me.

I crashed onto my bed, hoping sleep would find me quickly and I could just forget what happened today. However, my mind wasn’t ready to rest and felt like it was racing at one hundred miles an hour. I looked up at the ceiling then out the window. It was pitch black outside with a full moon lighting up the sky. It was beautiful. I looked out to the passing buildings and tree tops, but my eyelids didn’t feel heavy at all. I felt my heart rate speed up and no matter which way I tossed or turned, I couldn’t find a position in which I was comfortable. The heat felt like it was suffocating me, like there was no more air left. I sprung up violently on my bed, trying to catch my breath. I couldn’t sleep in this room tonight, not with this heat.

I quickly grabbed my pillow and walked out to the sofa-bench in the kitchen and laid back down. The time on the microwave read 1:46 AM, yet I barely felt tired at all. I tossed and turned until I heard the door to the bunk room fly open. I quickly turned onto my side and stopped moving. John dragged his feet out to the kitchen area then froze in his tracks. He’d probably seen me, yet I refused to open my eyes. The light from the fridge filled the room as he grabbed something to eat which seemed to take forever. For some reason I felt nervous, like I wasn’t supposed to be here. Like a little kid being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I still felt him near me and I hoped more than anything that he would just go back to his room and that I could be alone out here.

“Remember when things were good?” He called out to the empty bus. He’d known I was awake all this time. I opened my eyes to find him sitting across from me, drinking a glass of milk and waiting for an answer.

“How did you know I was awake?” I asked, avoiding the topic. He took another sip before looking back at me.

“You used to tell me that you could only really sleep when you were laying on your stomach, so I took a shot,” he replied. He wasn’t aggressive or irritating or like anything he’d been since I got here. He was calm, he was real and he was himself for the first time in a very long time.

“Oh,” I added, amazed that he still remembered the little things. The room went silent. I was gathering my thoughts, he was doing the same.

“Yeah, I do remember,” I finally replied. “It feels like so long ago... Like we aren’t even the same people anymore.” He nodded in agreement and starred blankly at the wall again.

“Remember our first date?” He smirked, setting his glass aside.

“How could I forget,” I smiled. “You basically went to second base on our first date. I can’t believe I let you get away with that.”

“I did,” he laughed. “It was a good kiss though...”

“Yeah, it was,” I replied, shyly. It nearly brought tears to my eyes how we could just talk right now without yelling. It hadn’t happened in a long time, a very long time.

“Where did that all go? We were so happy and then... so unhappy. Like one day we were in love and the next, it didn’t even matter anymore,” he replied. He had a fire in his eye, a spark, maybe even a newly found purpose.

“I don’t know, honestly. I don’t know how we let it get to that point,” I sighed.

“When you left Ali, it was like, I failed. Like everything I was afraid would happen finally did happen. I let you slip through my fingers and I guess that’s why I’ve been angry all this time and I’d been trying to forget. I gave myself this persona, this right to treat everyone like crap because ultimately, I couldn’t come to terms with what I’d let happen. So, I just wanted to say, I’m sorry,” He said, starring me straight in the eye. Chills ran up and down my spine as soon as I heard that word. Sorry. I’d been waiting for that for three years, but I didn’t know if I was entitled to it. I’d done my fair share of things that lead to our break-up, one of them unforgivable in my eyes.

“I’m sorry too. It wasn’t all your fault, I can assure you that,” I replied, genuinely. He smiled back and it felt like we’d finally healed after all this time. Like we could finally move on with our lives. He quickly got up and threw away his styrofoam glass. I thought he was going to call it a night, but he sat back down in the exact same spot.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot,” I replied, hiding how nervous I was about what he was about to say.

“Why did you bring that picture frame of us on tour?” He asked, shyly. It had probably been bothering him for days.

“Honestly, I didn’t put it in there. I found it in an old box a couple of days before I left for tour and I guess Anny or Ally put it in there. And I’m glad they did. I wanted to bring something along that reminded me of the past and that did. And I’m sorry I threw it at your head,” I apologized awkwardly. I’d forgotten I’d actually thrown it at him until now. I didn’t even know where it was.

“I probably deserved that,” he joked as he got up. He was probably heading back to bed yet I didn’t want him to. I was afraid that he’d go back to his old self or that he’d forget we had this talk if he had time to sleep on it.

“Oh and just so you know, on the last night, I never slept with Amber. I wasn’t lying to you about that, I swear. Sober or not, I couldn’t have never justified doing that to you,” he replied and my jaw hit the floor. I felt the blood drain from my face. All this time, I’d thought they’d hooked up. That’s the only reason I justified what I did time and time again in my head. I felt horrible, worse than horrible. I felt cheap. I couldn’t stand keeping this from him. He’d hate for sure after I’d tell him and every thing we’d just said would be erased. That’s all I deserved.

“John?” I called out. I wanted to tell him, I couldn’t find the words.

“Yeah?” He replied, half way through the door frame of his room.

“Thanks for the talk,” I faked a smiled.

He smirked. “I’ll talk to you later.” He shut the door behind him and I immediately crashed my head into the pillow. I’d never felt this guilty. Ever. It’s that same guilt that would probably keep me up all night.