Waiting on a Diamond and a Tether

Ali's point of view

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking; we have successfully reached Philadelphia International Airport. Thank you for flying with Southwest Airlines, we look forward to flying with you in the near future.

“Excuse me miss?” I vaguely heard as I felt someone nudge my arm. I abruptly sprung up and looked around. I’d taken two gravols before getting on the plane, seeing as I had the worst fear of flying. I didn’t bother to read the warnings on the bottle which would explain why I slept through a six hour flight without waking up once.

“Miss? We’ve reached our destination, it’s time for you to leave now,” the flight attendant smiled, but deep down, she was probably horribly annoyed with me and I completely understood why.

“Right, sorry. I’m really sorry,” I replied and quickly gathered my pillow and blanket. I threw everything into my bag, put my hat and sunglasses on and left the plane.

Airport terminals always fascinated me; all these people coming and going… Everyone single person is here at the same place at the same time, but tomorrow they could be half way across the world from each other. It never ceased to amaze me how happy people could be to be reunited with those they loved, too. I walked through to baggage claim wishing exactly that, wishing that as I walked through that gate, I’d be greeted by someone I loved and I could just jump in their arms and be happy. But I had no idea what to expect, I didn’t know what to think about what was about to happen.

I stood at the baggage belt for what seemed like forever. I saw the same red suitcase pass by four times but mine never seemed to come. I starred out in front of me, the nerves building up by the second. How am I going to recognize them? Did they forget to pick me up? Am I just going to walk through the gate and no one’s going to be there?

Finally, my simple black suitcase and duffle bag came pouring out of the baggage hole. I grabbed them both and placed them on my cart. I walked passed customs which always took forever and quickly made my way to the gate. As soon as I saw the door, my knees froze. I couldn’t move anymore. A panic attack was brewing inside of me, I could feel it. My chest was closing up and breathing became extremely hard, but there was nothing to do. It was all in my mind, I had to calm myself down. I didn’t come all this way to go back. You can do this Ali, you can do this. You are strong enough to do this, I repeated to myself as I inhaled deeply.

Minutes passed and I finally overcame it, I could breathe again. I had control over myself again. I stood up and pushed my suitcases through the gate, following close behind. There were people everywhere. I didn’t know where to look or what to look for. Limo drivers were lined up at the front of the gate with paper signs reading their client’s name. I quickly scanned the white papers, looking for my name, but I doubted I’d be picked up by a limo… I was right. I advanced slowly, trying to look for anything that could catch my eye, anyone that could seemingly be in a band in the slightest of ways. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a white sign being held up. My stomach turned, I knew instantly it was for me. I turned around to read it and sure enough it read “Merch girl here” in capital letters.

This was it, the moment I’d been dreading and looking forward to all at the same time. I turned my cart and started walking towards the sign. I couldn’t make out who was under it yet. My knees were shaking, my hands were clammy and my heart was racing, faster than ever before.

I could slowly make out the guy holding the sign up; long-ish brown hair, red vans, but his head was turned. He was talking to another guy with a black hoodie, but all their faces were impossible to make out.

Until he turned around. Our eyes met. Patrick Kirch starred me down in astonishment, like he’d seen a ghost. I must have been doing the same. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. It was like someone ripped the floor right out from under me. I froze in my tracks, steps away from them.

Garrett lifted his head now. Jared tried to smile. Kennedy stormed off. None of us knew what to do. I could feel the tears building up in my eyes. This could not be happening. Not now, not ever. What was I supposed to do now? Turned around and go back?

Jared nudged John and he, too, turned around. I starred at him, he starred back in disbelief. I hadn’t seen him in three years. I hadn’t seen any of them in three years.

“This… cannot be happening,” I mumbled.

“Fuck,” John said, shaking his head. He then stormed off in the same direction as Kennedy.

“John! Wait—”

“I can’t, Pat, I just can’t,” he yelled back as he walked away.

“This is exactly why I should have asked who the fucking band was,” I yelled and ran off, leaving my suitcases exactly where they were. The tears were falling now, there was no use holding them in any longer. I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I flipped the toilet seat cover down and sat, holding my head in my hands.

“Ali? Ali, where are you?” Pat yelled, walking passed my stall multiple times.

“Here, Pat,” I said, sticking my hand out from the bottom of the door.

“Can you open the door, please? It’s just me,” he asked, trying to see through the top of the door. I unlocked the door and left it up to him to open it. He slowly pulled it open and stood there, looking at me.

“It’s good to see you,” he awkwardly added, but what he really meant was what the hell are you doing here?

“Look, forget you even saw me, I’m calling Josh right now and having him send you someone else, I can’t do this—”

“Please don’t do that. Look, Garrett and Jared went to talk some sense into John and Kennedy. I have no idea why Kenny stormed off—”

“He never told you guys?” I asked, drying my eyes with a scrunched up piece of toilet paper.

“Told us what?”

“Nevermind, look Pat, I can’t stay here. Do you realize how shitty your tour is going to be with me here? John wants to kill me, Kennedy probably wouldn’t object and—”

“Ali, there’s no flights out of here tonight anyways. Why don’t you wait until morning at least to talk to Josh or something and then we’ll drive you to the airport and we can pretend we never knew each other all over again,” he suggested. I didn’t want to do this to him, but I couldn’t stay here, not with the way we left things.

“Fine… but that’s it,” I said as I stood up and walked out with him. Jared and Garrett were waiting outside, leaning against the suitcase cart.

“She’s going to sleep on the bus tonight and then she’ll call Josh in the morning and get switched with some other merch girl,” Pat explained to them.

“You’re welcomed to stay, Ali. We want you here—”

“Thanks, but I can’t be here,” I shot back. “I just, I can’t deal with this. ”

“Let’s not worry about that tonight,” Garrett explained as they grabbed my suitcases and started heading towards the bus. We walked out, the cold evening air hitting me instantly. It hit me then that we were far from LA, far from everything I knew. We walked to what seemed like the end of the parking lot without saying a word yet it wasn’t awkward. It felt like we knew each other, like we still knew each other after all this time. Jared pulled opened the door to the bus. I freaked out and slammed the door shut again.

“I can’t go in there,” I explained. “He is in there. They both are.”

“You can’t sleep out here, now can you? Come on, he’s probably passed out anyways.”

“Yeah, like every other night,” Garrett completed as he opened the door again and walked up. I was last to go up. I slowly walked up those four steps and there I was, in their bus more nervous than ever. I looked over to my left; John was on the sofa, playing around with his Macbook. He looked up, I shifted my glance away.

“You’re sleeping in here, Ali,” Garrett explained as he emerged from the back room.

“Alright thanks,” I said as I walked into the room and locked it behind me, letting my bags fall to the ground. How was I here, four steps away from everything I left behind three years ago?

I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and be home again, but no such luck. It was nearly midnight by now, but I was still on LA time and far from being tired. I got my phone from my bag and crashed onto the bed.

“Hello?” Anny called on the other side of the side of the phone.

“Put the speaker on and get Ally,” I said, my tone severe.

“What for?”

“Just do it, Anny,” I warned. I heard the phone hit the ground; she’d probably gone looking for Ally.

“Alright we’re both on the line, what is it? How’s everything? How was—” Anny answered.

“Remember when you guys said ‘You won’t regret this Ali’ or ‘This is going to be great for you, Ali’. Well, let me share with you how quickly I already regret this,” I said, raising my tone.

“Why? They aren’t nice or something? What happened, sweetie?” Anny asked.

“Guess who the band is? Guess. Once you do, just imagine how miserable and horrible I feel right now,” I said to them both. Silence on the other line.

“Oh… I think we get it,” Ally finally said.

“How is everyone?” Anny asked, curiously.

“Kennedy and John aren’t talking to me and I’m not talking to them. Everyone else is trying to lessen the awkward mess that I’m causing. It’s just such a disaster. I have to call Josh in the morning and have me switch with someone else. I can’t do this, guys… If it was anyone else, but not them and not now,” I responded.

“Ali, you signed a contract, right?” Ally asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Then Josh can’t do anything. You’re stuck there until the contract expires which is after the tour. I’m so sorry,” she added, sympathetically.

“I’m fucked,” I added, sighing. “What am I going to do now? I can’t stay here!” I yelled.

“Look, just sleep on it. There’s nothing you can do anyways right now sweetie. Just know that we love you and maybe, maybe this is still exactly what you needed,” Anny said, trying to cheer me up.

“Like hell it’s what I needed! This is exactly what I didn’t need! I don’t want to talk to him every again Anny! You of all people should know that,” I yelled back, crying now.

“Ali, calm down. I’ll talk to you in the morning. We love you, bye,” Ally said and they hung up. I let the phone fall onto the bed, but I wanted to throw it against the wall so hard. I wanted it to shatter into a million pieces so I could stop feeling like this, so I could stop feeling trapped. I was stuck here. There was no changing it or fighting it.

I finally emerged from my room hours later to get ready for bed. I’d waited long enough for everyone to be in their bunks so I wouldn’t have to see anyone. I judged two in the morning to be late enough, so I tip-toed out of the room, my pajamas and toothbrush in hand. I walked through the bus in search of the bathroom. Someone was in it. Please don’t be John or Kennedy. Please don’t be John or Kennedy, I thought to myself as I heard the lock giggled. The door flew opened and sure enough it was John. He froze and so did I. We hadn’t said one word to each other yet, not one.

“You’re in my way,” he finally said.

“After three years, that’s all you have to say to me?” I asked, stunned.

“What did you expect me to say?” He said, slurring his speech.

“Are you drunk?” I asked, disgusted.

“What do you care?” He shouted back to me.

“You’re right, I don’t. Now, get the fuck out of my way,” I snapped and pushed my way through to the bathroom, locking the door behind me and quickly changed out of my airplane clothes and into my pajamas. It suddenly hit me that I hadn’t eaten in 10 hours and I was famished. I threw my clothes onto my bed and made my way into the kitchen area, trying to make as little noise as possible.

There was a light near the sofa; the kind of light that came from a computer screen. Kennedy sat there, alone with his computer, eating a bag of chips. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know if I should say anything at all. I headed straight for the fridge, avoiding eye contact as much as possible. There was nothing but juice, beer and oranges in the fridge; nothing of which interested me.

“Hey… Are you going to finish the bag?” I asked, trying to break the awkward silence we were basking in.

“Nope.”

“Then can I have some?”

“Are you sure you want the chips or are you just using them to get back at the oranges in the fridge?” He said, being cocky.

“Fuck you Kennedy, keep your fucking chips,” I said and slammed the fridge shut. I walked back to my room and crashed onto the bed.

I’d be crying myself to sleep tonight.