You're Not in This Alone

Even when I wasn’t thinking about it, I felt the ring on the ring finger of my left hand. Now, as Gerard held that hand, it pressed into the two fingers next to it, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was reassuring.

Although it was getting late, I felt wide awake. Gerard and I were trying to find the bed Nadia, Ethan, Skyler, and Sarah meant for us to sleep in.

I remembered how Gerard had looked so scared when he asked me to marry him. I was surprised he wasn’t so sure of what my answer would be. He knew I loved him unconditionally. Andy why did I feel so nervous now, if we were just going to bed?

The room we found made me feel even more uncomfortable. We definitely knew it was the one they meant for us to sleep in. Many candles were lit, giving the room a smoky fragrance that was added to by the rose petals scattered everywhere. I had no idea how to react to this, so I burst out in laughter.

After Gerard looked at me strangely for a second, his slightly lower chuckling joined mine.

“It’s like… from a movie or something,” I managed to say between giggles. “That must be where they got this idea from. I mean… really? Rose petals?”

Gerard was shaking his head. “I had no idea they would do something like this,” he admitted, still laughing a little bit.

“It’s so silly,” I went on. “Is this really what they think of us? They think this is why we want to be alone? So we can –” I exploded into another fit of laughter, unable to continue.

I closed my eyes to wipe away tears; I was laughing so hard I was crying. When I opened my eyes, Gerard wasn’t laughing anymore.

“Maybe they were just a little bit right,” he suggested quietly.

“Gerard,” I warned, feeling torn, “please.”

“Please what?” he pressed, but I knew he knew what I meant.

“Please don’t do this,” I nearly begged.

“What have I done?” he asked, widening his eyes innocently.

I sighed and walked over to the closet to see if those darn, sneaky, nosy children had left us any pajamas. I saw that they had thankfully left some I approved of. “Nothing yet, but you will.” I tried not to sound accusatory. I didn’t want him to get mad at me.

“What are you talking about?” he said, insisting he had no idea what I meant.

Shaking my head, I scooped up my pajamas in my arms. “You’re going to try to seduce me,” I mumbled. I started to walk out of the bedroom.

“Where are you going?” he asked instead of replying to my comment.

“To change in the other bedroom,” I muttered. “I doubt changing in front of you will help this situation.” I went to the bedroom I’d first arrived in. I took my time changing, and when I was finished, I sat down on the wood floor. I didn’t want to deal with this.

The problem was that half of me just wanted to give in to Gerard. If I didn’t even know what I wanted, how was I supposed to tell him? I took a deep breath. Gerard loved me. He wouldn’t convince me to do something I really didn’t want to. So I decided I would hear his side of the struggle that I refused to call an argument.

Gerard was waiting, sitting on the big bed in the center of the room. I sat next to him and apologized, “I’m sorry. What I said was unnecessary. I shouldn’t have judged you so soon.”

“You were right, though,” he admitted, “but why is it so bad? We’re finally alone. We might not get a chance like this again for a long time. We’re almost eighteen, and we’re getting married.”

“We’re not married yet, though,” I insisted. “You know how I feel about abstinence before marriage.”

“I do know, and I’ve always respected that. I felt the same way,” he assured me. “But things are different now. Not that I ever doubted we’d be together forever, but now it’s set in stone. There really isn’t anyone else out there for us. There isn’t really anyone to judge us either. No parents or adults to tell us we’re not really in love.”

“It’s never been about what other people think,” I said. “It’s about the possible consequences.”

He didn’t answer. He just waited for me to continue.

“We can’t take care of a baby, Gerard,” I said outright. “And you know what could happen. What if it does, and what if something goes wrong? We don’t have any doctors.” As I spoke, I saw his expression turn dark and brooding. “And even if we did have doctors, we have enough responsibilities already. We already have enough children to take care of. We really can’t afford to risk that.”

He was looking at me, and something about the way he was doing it seemed off to me. I thought something was wrong, but he sounded fine when he said, “Ebony, you’re not going to have a baby.”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Because I’ve had drams that make me sure. You’re not getting pregnant any time soon.”

I knew what he was saying was true. It was one of those feelings that came to me. It was the way he said it that made me feel uncomfortable. It was almost as if he wanted the opposite to be true, but not quite. It was as if there was more he couldn’t tell me. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” I asked.

“You didn’t ask,” he replied, leaning over to kiss me. He knew I’d resigned to the part of me that wanted to give in to what Gerard wanted all along. I tangled my hand in his hair and showed him that I loved him.