You're Not in This Alone

Before I opened the door to enter Grace and Jason’s room, Ebony stepped back and said, “I’ll go in when you come out.”

“What?” I asked in disbelief, suddenly feeling nervous. “You’re the one that wanted to talk to him in the first place.”

“I know, but we’re not supposed to go in together. It’ll bother him to see both of us at once. You’re first.”

“Ebony, I don’t know what to say!” I hissed.

“You’ll think of something,” she replied before opening the door and shoving me inside.

I immediately forgot my anxiety. Grace lay on her bed, still wearing the black dress from the party. When Miranda had set her down on the bed, she’s untangled Grace’s hair, set her arms at her sides, and closed her eyes.

Jason was standing at her side and looking at her. He didn’t look up when I came in, and although he was no longer crying, his face shined with dry tears. I walked to his side, but he still didn’t acknowledge me.

“How long have you been standing, Jason?” I asked softly. His legs were shaking.

“Since Miranda brought her,” he answered vacantly.

I put my hand on his shoulder. “If I bring you a chair, will you sit in it?” He nodded, so I pulled the chair away from the desk in the room and set it behind him. He sat, still never taking his eyes off of Grace. I pulled up another chair for myself.

At a loss for words, I looked at Grace myself. She almost looked like she was sleeping, and I wondered if Jason was wishing desperately that was the case. “I’m sorry, Jason,” I said at last.

He snorted and shook his head. “Don’t even try, Gerard. You don’t know what this is like. You still have Ebony. Everyone else still has someone. None of you know how I’m feeling.”

I stood, suddenly feeling my blood full of irrational anger. “You have no right to say that to me, Jason. You have no idea what I’ve seen, heard, felt, in my dreams. I don’t just dream about people. I dream from their point of views sometimes. I’ve drowned, I’ve burned to death, I’ve been beaten, I’ve watched my wife die, I’ve seen people suffering. I’ve been beaten, I’ve watched my wife die, I’ve seen people suffering. I’ve stood helpless while my child dies. No, it’s not really me. But I’ve felt it, probably as easily as Grace felt people death. So don’t tell me that I don’t know how you feel.”

Jason flinched when I said her name, but I’d finally gotten him to look at me. Fresh tears were forming in his eyes. “You didn’t see that Grace would die, though,” he accused.

I sighed. All of my anger had evaporated with his tears. I sat back down. “No, I didn’t. I forced myself not to dream the night before. If I hadn’t stopped the dreams, I probably would’ve seen it. Ebony knew something bad would happen, she just didn’t know what.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Jason whimpered.

“If we had, it only would’ve made everyone panic. There isn’t a way to stop what happens,” I explained.

“It should’ve been me,” he whispered, his eyes trailing back to Grace’s face.

“Don’t think like that,” I pleaded. “That’s just not how it works. What’s done is done. We can’t switch places, no matter how much we want to, no matter how much we wish we could.”

Jason shook his head. He was unable to speak.

“You’ll see Grace again some day,” I continued. “I know it’s not soon enough, but we know for a fact there’s a heaven, thanks to Grace. We know she’s in heaven because she was innocent, and she deserves a break from all the pain she was put through over her short life time. And you’ll see her in heaven, when you get there.”

“We wouldn’t have to be apart if I had died,” Jason said defiantly. “I would’ve been able to stay between life and heaven, and I would’ve been able to stay with Grace.”

“But that’s not the way it happened,” I said. “Soon you’re going to have to accept that. You’re going to have to sleep and eat. You’ll have to come to the funeral tonight. I don’t know what else to tell you, Jason.”

“Why did she have to die?” he asked. “How did she die? She was fourteen. She wasn’t sick. Nothing was ever wrong with her. She was fine. And she just died.”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “We’ll probably never really know.”

“I only got to kiss her a few times,” he continued. “I only got to tell her I loved her once.”

I put my hand on his shoulder again. “Be grateful for that, Jason. You got to tell her. She didn’t die without hearing you say that.”

“Thank you for telling me not to wait too long,” he said suddenly. “You were the one who convinced me that maybe she loved me back.”

“And she did,” I replied, “and you know she still does.”

“But I didn’t get to say goodbye,” he pointed out sadly. “I’ll never get to say goodbye.”

I hugged Jason. “I’m sorry. I’m going to go get you breakfast. Is it okay if Ebony comes in?”

He nodded.

“Okay,” I said, gently letting go of Jason. “You’re going to get through this.”

I got up and walked out of the door, not wanting to see or hear him defy my last words. I saw Ebony, who was sitting in the hallway, looking grim. “Your turn,” I whispered, kissing her forehead and walking down the hall.