You're Not in This Alone

Sarah was much quieter than usual as she went with me and Gerard to find a house. We picked the second one we looked at because they were all gorgeous, and we were so tired. It was starting to get dark and harder to see, so Gerard brought battery powered lights to the house we would share with Sarah.

Gerard and I picked the master bedroom on the first floor, and Sarah chose a girl’s huge bedroom on the second floor. We changed the sheets on the beds, and then we went back to the supply house to meet lance, Miranda, Ethan, and Nadia. The four of them had chosen a house next to ours.

We were all too tired to make a real dinner, so we just ate snack food. “So where are you all sleeping in your house?” I asked to try to start a conversation.

“Lance and I are in the mast bedroom, and Nadia and Ethan each picked a room on either side of ours,” Miranda said.

I coughed. “You and Lance are sharing a room?” I asked disapprovingly.

Neither of them answered me. They avoided my gaze.

“You’re sharing a room with Gerard,” Sarah pointed out.

I glared at her. She wasn’t helping the situation. “Yeah, but… They’re only fifteen,” I protested. “We’re seventeen.”

“What’s the difference?” Lance shot at me.

Gerard and I exchanged a quick, deciding look. I lifted my hands in a peacemaking gesture. “Okay, we’re not your parents,” I stated. “But we do feel somewhat responsible for you. So just… don’t do anything stupid.”

Sarah giggled. Neither Lance or Miranda answered, but they didn’t look angry. I guess they were right. It would have been hypocritical of me to argue with them. And I wasn’t going to sleep in a separate room from Gerard just to prove a point to them. Besides, Gerard had been sneaking into my room at night and in the morning for years to tell me about his dreams.

We trudged back to our houses and were ready for bed by nine. I walked Sarah up to her room to say goodnight to her.

“Goodnight, Sarah. If you wake up before us you could hang out here, or if you hear other people up already you could go with them. Just leave a note of you leave the house so we know where you are.”

“Okay,” she replied so softly I barely heard her. I knew she was upset, and I needed to confront her about it, but I decided it could wait until the morning.

I changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth, and got into bed. Gerard got in a few minutes later. I was staring at the ceiling, trying to stop the pictures that flashed across my mind. So many bodies, so many dead faces. I remembered each one.

“Are you alright?” he murmured.

Sarah was already asleep, so it was okay for me to talk to him. “Today was scary,” I admitted. “It scared me, and it scared the younger girls even more. We’re not even finished with the job yet. There were about four thousand people in this town. We have about a thousand left to find.”

He touched my hand, mumbling, “I know. I wish I could’ve done the job for you. I can’t even express to you how helpless and weak it made me feel, knowing the job could never get done if Lance and I had to do it ourselves.”

“I’ll be okay,” I assured him. “It’s more Sarah and Nadia I’m worried about. Maybe even Ethan. They’re so young. It’s not right for them to be exposed to this kind of thing. It’s awful.”

“It’s not right for any of us,” Gerard corrected. “But after we bury all the bodies in this town, it won’t be so bad. We can keep the little ones away from that kind of thing.”

“I feel like a parent,” I whispered. “Gerard, I’m only seventeen years old, and I have the responsibility a mother has. Maybe even more. What if one of them gets sick? What if they fight? I’m even worried about Lance and Miranda. They might only be two years younger than us, but I don’t know how responsible they are. I mean… they’re so young, and they’re sharing the same room? I shouldn’t have to worry about this. It shouldn’t be my responsibility to keep two fifteen year olds in line. Someone else should be responsible for keeping us two seventeen year olds in line. But we can’t just let these children do whatever they want! I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can handle it.”

“It’s going to be fine,” he reassured me. “You’re not in this alone. You have me, and Lance and Miranda are old enough to help with a lot of things. Don’t forget that we’re going to find more people, too. Some might be younger than us, but some might be older. Stop worrying! We can do this.”

“I love you,” I breathed. Even though I still felt anxious and like I had a heavy burden on my shoulders, Gerard was right. I had him, and that was really enough for me. I scooted over so that I pressed against his side, facing him, and kissed him.

When I pulled away, he looked into my eyes with a burning intensity. “I will always be here for you. Don’t ever leave me,” he pleaded.

“Of course I won’t,” I replied, taken aback. Why would he even think about me leaving him?

“Promise,” he demanded rigidly.

“I promise I’ll never, ever leave you,” I said easily. “Where would I go? You’re all I have left, you’re all I want, and you’re all I really need.” I wondered why he needed this reassurance now after I’d told him a thousand times I would always love him. Hadn’t I? “I’ll always love you,” I added just to make sure.

“I’ll always love you too,” he vowed. “Keep your promise. Now sleep. You’re tired. I know you are, don’t argue.

I kissed him one last time before falling asleep while he still held me tightly to him.

When I awoke, I felt not only Gerard’s presence close to me, but also someone else’s. I knew it was Sarah. I opened my eyes. I was right next to Gerard on one side of the bed. Sarah was sleeping peacefully on the other side.

I turned my head and looked at Gerard. He looked as if he had just woken up. He was not as confused as I was about the third party in our bed.

“Good morning,” I whispered, pecking him on the lips.

“Good morning,” he answered just as quietly. “I dreamt that she couldn’t sleep, so she came here.”

“Let’s let her sleep,” I replied. “It’s probably still early, and she was exhausted last night. She’ll explain when she wakes up.”

He nodded. “I dreamed about a lot last night.”

“Tell us when we’re all together so you don’t have to tell it over again,” I suggested. “Unless… is it really important? Did you dream about the fire again?”

He shook his head. “No, not last night.”

We waited silently for Sarah to wake up.

When she opened her eyes and looked at us, she looked mortified and embarrassed. “Are you mad at me?” she whispered.

“No,” I assured her, “not at all. I’m just confused.”

“I’m sorry I came in here,” she apologized, averting her eyes from mine and Gerard’s, who was keeping very quiet. “I shouldn’t have. I won’t again.”

I knew something was wrong. I exchanged a look with Gerard, and he left the room. I sat on the edge of our bed and put my arm around her shoulder. “Sarah,” I said, “I know you’ve only known me for two days, but you already mean a lot to me, and you can tell me anything.” I saw her eyes fill with water at my words. “What’s wrong?” I prodded.

“Last night I had a nightmare, and when I woke up, every sound I heard scared me, and it was so dark, and I was afraid to be alone,” she confessed, tears spilling over after he last words.

“Oh, Sarah,” I whispered, stroking her hair sympathetically. I felt so bad for her, and I had to admit that I wasn’t surprised that a girl her age would be having nightmares after what she had witnessed the day before. “Don’t cry. Everything will be alright. We’ll bring a mattress into this room, and you can sleep on it. There’s plenty of room, and we don’t mind.”

“Yes you do,” she argued fiercely. “You’re never alone in the day, and you want to be alone at night. I get it. I understand.”

“No, it’s not like that,” I murmured. “Gerard and I want to be close to each other as much as possible. Sure, we like being alone sometimes, but it really won’t kill us to have you in the same room. So we’ll sleep in here until the nightmares go away, okay?”

She nodded, muttering, “Okay.”

“Now let’s go get breakfast,” I suggested. “I’m starving.”