One of the Boys...Right?

*Jess*

I stepped out of the shower at Bam’s and looked in the mirror, staring at my reflection. I didn’t know if I should feel happy or sad.

“Make up your mind, Jessica.” I told myself.

“Maybe I should be around Bam more.” I rolled my eyes. “At least with him around I can sort of think straight.” I continued.

Things were getting really complicated. I just wanted to go back to the nights we spent playing games in the backyard and the days we spent pranking people. I didn’t want the rest of my days to be spent not knowing how I should or shouldn’t feel.

Was Bam right in the fact that I had a right to be happy? Or should I still be sad because the shooting reminded me of my parents? Should I start to let go of the past? Or was the past the only thing keeping me from going insane? Was I afraid to really live, out fear of losing the past?

Or was I just afraid to live?

I shook my head and sent my wet hair flying. I needed music, and was about to open the door when I realized that I was still in a towel.

Scratch that, I need clothes. I put my Wicked pants back on and added a black tank top before I opened the door. I grabbed Kelsey’s iPod from the bed and plugged it into the speakers.

“Aha!” I grinned as my favorite song from Wicked played.

“And just for this moment, as long as you’re mine, I’ve lost all resistance, and crossed some borderlines. And if it turns out, it’s over too fast...I’ll make every last moment last...as long as you’re mine...” the only thing playing was music. Kelsey had purposely downloaded it that way. I towel dried my hair and continued to sing. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Bam in the doorway to the bathroom. The song stopped playing.

“Stupid bitch.” I picked it up and put it on I’m Not That Girl.

“Hands touch, eyes meet. Sudden silence, sudden heat. Hearts leap in a giddy whirl. He could be that boy. But I’m not that girl. Don’t dream too far. Don’t lose sight of who you are. Don’t remember that rush of joy. He could be that boy. I’m not that girl!” I closed my eyes and ran my brush through my hair.

“Blithe smile, lithe limb. She who’s winsome, she wins him. Gold hair with a gentle curl. That’s the girl he chose, and heaven knows, I’m not that girl.” Kelsey sang from the hallway.

“Don’t wish....don’t start! Wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn’t born for the rose and the pearl.” I continued.

“There’s a girl I know. He loves her so.” Kelsey added.

“I’m not that girl...” I finished.

“Your voice amazes me and this is the first time I’ve heard it.” Bam said in amazement. Kelsey was gone from the hallway.

“Am I afraid of losing the past?” I turned to face him. He nearly fell over with such a random question.

“What?” he asked.

“Am I afraid of losing the past?” I repeated as I jumped up to sit on the counter.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Do you think I’m afraid to let go of the past because it’s the only part of my life that my parents were apart of?” I asked.

“I kind of think that you wonder if your parents would approve of the decisions you’re making...or you wonder what they would think of you.” he replied.

“Does that mean I can’t let go of the past?” I asked.

“I think it means you should let go of the night everything happened. Don’t remember your parents on the last night you saw them. Remember them for the time your dad took you to see Wicked...stuff like that.” he shrugged.

“I don’t really know how. I try to...but for some reason, I can’t let go of the night everything happened...and I don’t know why.” I sighed in frustration.

“You can’t let go of everything in one night. That’s gotta be unhealthy if you do that.” he advised.

“But when I try to let go of everything gradually, it scares me. Because then it feels like one day, it’s going to crash down on me, and I won’t be ready for it.” I flicked a wet piece of hair away from my eyes.

“But if you start to let go, when and if that ever does happen, you’ll be ready for it.” he said.

“Will you come with me somewhere tomorrow? I want to go do something.” I said after a few minutes.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I can’t tell you yet. Do you want to come?” I asked.

“Sure.” he shrugged. I nodded and hopped off the counter, leaving him alone in the bathroom with nothing but ‘Three Cheers for Five Years’ by Mayday Parade [the acoustic version] echoing in the silence.

*Bam*

“Up. Now.” a pillow hit me in the back. I looked up into the dark brown eyes of JJ. The black curtains that usually kept out the light were thrown aside, the dim light streaming in.

“What time is it?” I groaned.

“9:30 in the morning. Come on. Get up and get dressed.” she walked over to the window. The gray sky sent down snowflake after snowflake.

“Where are we going in the snow?” I asked as I got up.

“You’ll see.” she said before she left.

-10 minutes later-

I quietly opened the door and JJ and I slipped out into the cold.

“We’re walking?” I whined.

“Don’t be a baby. We’ll be there soon.” JJ buried her mittened hands into her coat pockets and started walking down the driveway.

-20 minutes later-

JJ stopped in front of a set of iron gates. I looked up and saw ‘Westchester Cemetery’ on a brass sign.

“JJ?” I asked in confusion. She turned to face me.

“Are you coming or not?” she asked me. I followed her inside, through the vast maze of headstones. Finally, she stopped in front of a pair of stones. I could barely see the names through the snow and ice covering them.

“Bam. Meet my parents.” she smiled sadly.