I Wanna Live a Life From a New Perspective

(Jess)

I was running, sweating like nobody’s business, and I could barely breathe.

I kept turning around, and there he was with a bat in hand.

I was very light dressed; therefore, you could see all of my bruises. That made me almost as nervous as him and his weapon.

The scariest part was I was running through the house, where he would find me, no matter what. There was nowhere for me to hide.

I stopped to breathe for a second, and it happened. He picked me up and threw me down the stairs to the basement. The door slammed, and I heard approaching footsteps.

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I made myself wake up at that point. I knew what happened next; I didn’t need to experience, even in my dreams, again.

I sat straight up; I was in a cold sweat. I also noticed I had dried tears on my face. I walked to the bathroom and washed my face. As I walked back, I noticed that Brendon’s bunk curtain was drawn open. I instinctively jumped back a little.

I hated that I felt that way towards him now. I mean, I love Brendon; he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. But after how he just flipped out on Ryan like, I became scared. I mean, why would he do that?

He must have been drunk. He and Ryan are best friends; he must know what Ryan’s been through, why would he do that?

Boys are just fucked up.

I gave enough excuses to stay away from him. “I’m going to go lay down.” “I’m going on a walk, come with me Ryan?” “I’m going to go write, don’t bother me.”

I knew it hurt Brendon’s feelings just by his facial expression, but he scares me now. Not to the same extent he does.

I finally slumped down in my bunk, but I knew I would be too scared to sleep. So I grabbed my blanket and pillow and carefully walked to the back of the bus where I knew Ryan was probably awake. Ryan had been put on bed rest except for when he’s on stage. I knocked on the door for good measure. I stood at the door while the bus continued to drive.

The door opened slightly. Ryan’s face popped out.

“Hello you, what are you doing up?” he questioned me

“I had a bad dream and can’t fall back asleep. I figured you would be up. So I came back here to spend time with my best friend.”

With that he let me in. He sat down on one couch; I laid down on the other.

“So I’m your best friend?” he said with a smirk.

“Yes you are, Mr. Ross”

“How did you know that was my last name?”

“That’s not important. Now, what are we watching?”

He chuckled “Don’t make fun, but Peter Pan, the Disney cartoon version.”

“Why would I make fun of such a classic movie like that? I love me some lost boys.”

“Come sit over here with me.” He said giving me the puppy look. “I want to snuggle.”

I smiled and walked over to his couch. I laid down in his lap and threw the blanket over myself.

“Why did you really come back here?”

“I was scared.”

“Of what? Spencer raping you in the middle of the night? I have the same fear.”

I laughed “No, it's just that, well I had this nightmare and it brought up these feelings and fears. Then I saw Brendon, and I remembered the fight you guys had, and it scared me.”

“Brendon scares you?”

“A little bit.”

“The only reason Brendon kicked my ass was because I was slightly inebriated. Brendon just let his emotions get the best of him. We got into a disagreement and one thing lead to another. You shouldn’t be afraid; he would never lay a hand on a woman, especially you.”

“Guys always say that…” I said quietly

“What was that?”

“Well, let’s just say, I’ve heard someone say something to that effect before, and it was a brutal lie. I ended up getting very hurt because of it.”

“Jess?”

“Yeah.”

“What was your nightmare about?”

“My ex.”

“Tell me about it.”

“If I tell you this, you have to swear on Blink-182 that you won’t say anything to anyone.”

“I promise.”

“Okay, so James was my boss. I had this crush on him. But I figured nothing could happen since he was my boss and stuff. Well, one thing happened one day and we started dating,” I struggled out.

"Everything was fine for about six months. Things went so great. He even moved in with me, which I thought would never happen. But then,” I looked away from Ryan’s face and down at my hands “he started drinking, and when he drank he did some pretty stupid things. At first they were just with his friends, so it didn’t bother me, but then he would make me have sex with him when he came home drunk. Sometimes, he would just hit me until he passed out, and occasionally he would do both. After awhile he didn’t even need to be drunk to do it.” At this point I had begun to cry. I hadn’t even noticed.

Ryan just hugged me. “You don’t have to tell me anymore. I understand. I had a fucked family. My mom left when I was a baby and my father drank and beat me.”

“Ryan, just be quite and hug me.”

He giggled softly and hugged me. I laid back down and he played with my hair and we watched the movie.

I fell asleep that night to Peter flying Wendy home.

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I woke up the next morning.

I looked around. I was no longer in Ryan’s lap, that made me a little sad.

I looked up and he was sitting across from me, writing or something.

“Good morning.” he said without even looking up at me

“Morning.”

“We’re here. You can shower later and stuff. Show is at 7, we go on at 8ish. But we can’t go in there until 6.”

“Okay,” I stood up and stretched. I was picking up my things and was up to leave the back lounge, but Ryan called my name.

“Jess,” I turned around and looked at him “Brendon came in earlier, looking for you. Please talk to him, he’s miserable. He’s afraid you hate him or something.”

“I don’t hate him.”

“You shouldn’t be afraid either. Trust me, if he touches you in any way that you don’t like, I’ll have Zack kill him.”

I smiled and went over and hugged Ryan. “Thank you.” I whispered in his ear.

He whispered back to me “Don’t be afraid of a future with Brendon because of your past with someone else. Brendon’s not James.” I jumped a little at his name. I then kissed Ryan’s head, avoiding the bandages.

I walked out, placed my things in my bunk. I strolled towards the front of the bus. It was much easier to walk through with light rushing in it and it being stopped.

I arrived at the front, and there was Jon and Zack playing some video game, very intensely might I add. And then there was Spencer and some girl basically eating his face. I grabbed a granola bar and walked back, kind of disgusted at Spencer and the girl.

I jumped into my bunk. I ate my breakfast. I looked down at my appearance. My make-up probably looked like shit, as well as my hair. And I probably smelt like a girl’s gym locker room. Unfortunately though, I won’t be able to shower until we enter the venue. I was just going to have to smell and look like shit around some of the hottest guys ever.

Despite this, I decided I should probably talk to Brendon. Ryan was right, Brendon is different. He’s not an abusive person, just a regular one who gets jealous. But because of what? Well, that’s what I plan on finding out.

I jumped out of bunk. I don’t think that will ever stop being fun. I took a step over to Brendon’s and drew open his curtain. I poked Brendon’s side and smiled as he squirmed a little bit. I poked him once again. He looked up and smiled a little.

“Hey.” I offered softly

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked in a soft, angelic voice

“Um, I think we need to talk, And plus we’re wherever we’re supposed to be and there’s some out there basically raping Spencer out there.” I said awkwardly.

“Oh, okay, well since we’re here. You want to go on a walk for that talk? We’re supposed to be in somewhere where there’s nice weather.” He wanted to be alone with me…

“Okay, but can you please explain the girl on top of Spencer.” I said with a smile. He put on a hoodie covering up the thin under shirt he was wearing that I could see through. He was also wearing basketball shorts. It wasn’t much different than my outfit of short-shorts, tank-top, a zip-up blink182 hoodie, and flip-flops.

“Oh, that’s Spencer’s girlfriend Kayt. I’m pretty sure she’s going to stay with us for the next couple of dates until we get back up to New York.” He said pulling a pair on vans on.

We walked through the front longue, all them staring at us as we walked through. Brendon quickly told them we were going on a walk as we exited the bus.

“So what do you want to talk about” He asks as soon as we get a few feet from the bus.

“Not yet, I saw a park across the street, let’s go there first. I love swings.” I said.

He just smiled. Both of our hands were shoved into our pockets. I think we were both afraid
of our hands brushing against the others.

We ran across the street and enter the park. We both sat down on a park bench.

I took my hands out my pockets and rubbed them on my thighs.

“So I’m sorry I’ve been weird and distant lately. It just because of my past and stuff that” he interrupted me

“It’s ok you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I freaked out on Ryan and nearly killed him. I understand your fear.”

I shook my head “No I don’t think you do.”I took a deep breath. “See remember I told you about my ex-boyfriend. And how he was my boss, and that we broke, and I moved out. Well there was a lot more to it than that.”

He just looked at me as to tell me to continue, but I wasn’t sure if I could without crying and completely breaking down. I looked down at hands.

Brendon took his hand and brought my chin, so that I was looking directly into his eyes, his big brown beautiful eyes.
“Jess you can tell me anything. You can cry your eyes out until they’re dry. I won’t get uncomfortable or talk too much. I won’t try to relate to you when i have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ll listen to you and be here for you.”

At that very second, I loved Brendon Boyd Urie. I wanted to married, fuck, kiss, anything, just be with him.

He let go of my face and I felt the warmth he left there. I looked down again, but this time, I took his hands and then looked up.

“Brendon, my ex-boyfriend Adam, he was abusive to me, in many ways. I used to put up with it and write it off because I loved him. But it finally became too much one day.” I began to tear a little. I wasn’t going to tell Brendon what happened on that day that made me leave, I couldn’t he wouldn’t want to be with me ever. “So I left. And it was the most important day of my life, because I met you that day.”I said, still crying, but with a smile.

Brendon looked shocked, but he was trying not to show it. He just held tighter onto my hands. He let go of one of them, but only to wipe away my tears with his thumb.

He then pulled on my other hand, making me stand up with him. I lead me over the swings and sat me down in the big tire swing. And he began to push me back and forth. I began to smile. He then jumped in with me. We swayed back and forth, he swirled us around. I began to laugh as he nearly fell out, but I grabbed his hand and pulled him back up.

Soon after, we walked back to the bus. Brendon had his arms wrapped around my shoulder. He leaned over and whispered into my ear “Thank you”

“For what?” I said as I turned and looked at him crooking my eyebrow.

“For letting me back in. And showing me you.”

I smiled and kissed his cheek. He involuntarily blushed. I smiled and whispered in his ear “Thank you for making me feel better.”