I Wanna Live a Life From a New Perspective

(Jess)

I was sitting on the couch with Jon, eating Fruit Loops, and watching Empire Records.
If you told me a week ago that I would be on Panic’s tour bus living with them, I would have slapped you for saying such a cruel lie to me.

Mid-chew, Brendon came out into the front lounge. He had bed and was wearing flannel pajama bottoms. He looked really, really attractive.

“Um, good morning, people” Brendon said with a cute little wave.

“Morning, Brendon,” I said with a smile.

Soon after, Spencer and Brendon sat down with their own bowls of cereal.

“So Jess, did you sleep well?”

“Shh, I’m watching the movie.” I whispered back playfully. I was just teasing.

He didn’t respond after that anyway, but that’s okay. It’s one of my favorite movies.

After the movie was over, I grabbed the remote and turned on some repeat episode Full House.

“So, what are we doing today?”

“Well, we’re driving more, then getting to a hotel later today, and then playing tomorrow somewhere.”

“Oh, cool. Where are we stopping?”

“I have no idea.”

Well that was helpful.

What am I supposed to do now?

I couldn’t let myself really think, because then thoughts for him might come back.

I got up and headed for the bunk section.

I looked to the back of the bus, there was a door that was slightly ajar and I could hear music ever so quietly coming from it. It was “Adam’s Song” by Blink-182. I immediately knew that Ryan was back there, not only by simple logic, but by the fact that I knew he loved Blink. But I also knew that song quite well, because it’s the song I listen to myself when I’m at my lowest. I was worried in a weird way. I considered going back there, but I I figured he would just yell at me anyway.

I climbed up into the bunk I had taken hostage of and grabbed the backpack I had in there, pulling out my journal.

I was going to write some shit about how I feel, but I suddenly felt inspired and wrote a poem instead:

“Tears fall simply when coming from a broken heart, but a broken heart has I not.
It’s more like a heart that’s been beaten so many times, it’s finally given up.
I’m just flat lining, have been for awhile.
But now someone’s been nice enough to try to revive me.
Though I’m still terrified of being beaten again,
I can’t help but love my reviver.”

I almost began to cry, but I wouldn’t let myself because I heard someone coming. It was Brendon. He walked by, looked at me for a second, then kept walking to the back and slammed the door. I didn’t take it to offense he just wanted to talk to Ryan in private.

After that I just kind of doodled in my journal and listened to Spencer, who had come back for a quick nap, snoring in his bunk.

During this time, I could, or rather should, have texted or called my family and friends and let them know where I was and that I was okay, but I didn’t. They obviously didn’t care much in the place.

I began to write again:
“After years of struggle, you think it’d get easier.
You would think that maybe, for once, I’d be able to sleep through the night,
that I’d be able to talk to you without quivering.
But I guess , like they say, people don’t change.
So now I’m miles away from you with others that are better,
And in some weird twisted way, I still miss you.”

As soon as I put my pen down and looked up, there was Ryan standing in flannel pants and a Bob Dylan shirt.

“Hey” he said in a voice you could only hear if you were truly listening, he was nervous.

“Hey, what’s up?” I said back with a smile

“Um, we need to talk, can I climb in there?”

“Sure,” so he climbed in. We both had our backs to the wall and our legs stuck out in the hall.

“What do we need to talk about?”

“Well I’m sorry I’ve been so stand offish, but that’s kind of how I am with most people, so, don’t feel special or anything.”

“Thanks, I don’t.” I caught his sarcasm.

“So, Jess, who are you?”

“Wow, that’s kind of a big question. I’ve never really thought about that.” I said stalling “Well I hate coffee, fell weird without eyeliner, I’m ambidextrous, I’m slightly afraid of the internet, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since I was 14, I don’t miss home ever really, and my favorite band is Weezer. What about you?”

“Well we have a lot in common. I’m right handed, I have night terrors every night, I love teas of any sorts and live off of coffee, I like wearing love sleeves so people don’t ask questions, I hate warm weather, and I don’t miss home.”

I then rested my head on his shoulder and pulled up the sleeve of my hoodie.

“I don’t like questions either.” I showed him my arm marked and covered with razors scars and black & blues.

He put his head on top of mine and flipped over his arm, he took my hand and put it on his arm so I could feel the scars underneath my fingers.

I felt like I was ready to break down again. I quickly changed the subject.

“So, you like Bob Dylan?” my voice cracked

He moved his head off mine and looked me in the eyes, his watering just as much as mine.

“Umm…” he looked down at his shirt. “Oh yeah, he was a pretty cool guy. His music is awesome, but personally, I think his interviews are cooler. And he gave the Beatles their first joint.”

“Oh, cool.”

He then put his head back on mine.

“So, why do you do it?” He said in a soft gentle voice, I knew exactly what he was referring to.

“My family has been broken since I was 15 and then I’ve had the worst string of boyfriends ever. What about you?” I said in a whisper, my voice cracking even more.

“Well my family was never complete to start and my life has always been abusive. And my first girlfriend and I just ended it before we started recording.” His voice broke his every word.

Then we just kind of sat there in our own self pity.

Then Brendon stumbled out of the back room, walked by us, gave Ryan the death glare, and walked to the front. Then Jon came into the bunk section.

“Hey guys, we’re stopping in about a half hour for food and fuel. Just be ready. Oh, and we might stay overnight depending on the weather.”

I was suddenly felt paranoid, who would sleep with me in the hotel?

Ryan or Brendon?