He's A Handsome Woman

In the city of Sin the sun rose high over the strip, casting it's rays far, over buildings and further over residences. One empty house in particular belonged to Brendon Urie and had been the beginning scene of the whole story. Of course the two figures standing in front of it had no idea of that, or anything else that had occured.
"Anyone home?" Spencer yelled, knocking once more.
He sighed, turning to his companion on the doorstep when there was no reply from inside.
"Did you do something to piss Brendon off?" Jon asked, running a hand through his hair as he looked around casually.
Shrugging, Spencer replied. "I don't know... maybe Ryan let slip it was me who sat on his limited edition Mulan."
Jon rose an eyebrow in surprise. "That was you? I thought I broke it."
"Huh."
A silence fell over the two as they contemplated their next move. They both awkwardly scuffed their feet, not sure what to do until a light bulb went off in Jon's head.
"I know! We'll give them a call." He exclaimed happily with the conclusion they both felt stupid for not thinking of sooner.
Spencer quickly pulled out his phone, which already contained four unanswered texts to Ryan, and scrolled down to his best friend's number. He waited, listening to the first ring as he stood on the porch with Jon. While he waited he was tempted to stroke his beard thoughtfully, only to remember the last time he'd done that how much Jon had laughed at him. Instead he tapped his foot, looking off at the vacant view of suburban houses in the desert, the same vacant view he'd grown up loving. The phone continued to ring, five too many times for Spencer to like. Ryan never ignored his phone. He was just beginning to consider a private investigater when the phone finally picked up.
"Don't answer that!" Ryan yelled, his voice sounding odd in its yell.
"But it's my phone!" An unfamiliar girl shot back indignantly.
Spencer listened in confusion to the conversation unfolding.
"You're not you! I'm you! So fork it over!" Ryan shrieked, a first for Spencer to hear from his friend. "I am not afraid to hit a chick."
The girl laughed. "You're going to hit yourself? Yeah right."
A startling yell that could only be compared to something out of a kung fu movie emerged from Ryan a moment later.
"What's going on?" Jon asked, looking at Spencer oddly.
He shrugged. "Either Ryan's having some kinky sex... or..."
Spencer trailed off at the addition of a third voice that was clearly Brendon.
"Quit screwing with each other and pay attention to me!" He yelled indignantly in the background.
"Or really kinky sex." Spencer finished, answering Jon.
Deeply confused, Jon crossed the space between them and put the phone to his own ear. All that greeted him were screams before they cut off a moment later in a dial tone.
"Interesting..." Jon murmured thoughtfully, he and Spencer falling into a silence.
They continued to stand on the doorstep of the vacated house, shuffling their feet as neither of the two knew what to do next. Luckily they didn't have to wait for very long as the phone Spencer had recently returned to his back pocket began buzzing again.
"Hello?" Spencer asked, not bothering to check the caller id.
"Spencer?" A voice he instantly recognized as Ryan's girlfriend Sam.
"Sam!" He exclaimed, suddenly overexcited to hear from someone that could very well know of what had happened to his friends, or at least Ryan. Spencer wasn't too worried about Brendon, knowing to never underestimate the scrawny guy that loved showtunes. There was a ferocious tiger underneath those floral shirts and skinny jeans.
"Have you heard from Ryan?" She asked, shooting down his hopes.
"No... me and Jon are at Brendon's house and they're not home. We're considering the usual possibilities, runaway to an island where no ones heard I Write Sins, dragged off by grizzily bears, kidnapped, you know, the usual." He replied, almost nonchalant.
"That's not funny Spencer!" Sam yelled abruptly. "I'm really worried about him... it's been three days and he always texts me to say good morning, calls me while he's brushing his teeth, we meet up for lunch at Chipotle, then spend an hour on the phone at night until one of us falls asleep."
"He calls you while he's brushing his teeth?" Spencer asked, stuck on that part.
Sam immediately screamed her reply at him. "It's our thing! It's romantic!"
"Okay, okay!" Spencer conceeded, afraid anything else would set her off again. "Well did he mention he was going anywhere?"
"No." Sam sniffed, her mood taking a three sixty approach once more.
Jon tuned out the conversation Spencer was having with Sam as he was not half as entertained by Spencer's reply then whatever Sam said before. He began to look around Brendon's poorly kept lawn, the yellow marks from where he'd left the sprinkler still lingering from their four month tour. Only Brendon would forget he left the sprinkler out for four months. An old woman walked by at that moment, carrying her fluffy mass that hardly qualified for a dog. Jon was already questioning the mental abilities of a woman taking her dog for a walk by carrying the beast, when she noticed the two twenty somethings loitering outside the empty house.
"They're not home you know." She yelled feebly.
"Huh?" Jon asked, caught off guard.
She approached cautiously, clarifying what she said as Jon began to really see her for the tinted pink white permed hair and Janis Joplin tour shirt hanging loose over her pink trackpants and matching pink jacket, bedazzled on the back to say Rock On. Brendon had the coolest neighbors.
"The homosexual couple that lives there. That's the appropriate terms these days right? Ho-mo-sex-ual?" She asked, emphasizing the word. "They left about two days ago... one of them yelled something about flying to Hershey, or was it Herschel... I thought it was strange they were flying anywhere. I mean, they're not birds."
Jon perked up at the location she mentioned, forgetting all the other senile nonsense that just came out of her mouth and running up to her.
"Where did they go? Was it Hershey or Herschel?"
She thought for a moment, one finger tapping at her chin. "Hm... let's see... I think it was Hershey... oh yes, because I heard that and it reminded me of a Charles Walton that lives down the street, a fine chocolate man, and was coming over that afternoon for a little... oh, what was it you kids call it these days... sex. That's it."
"What's she saying?" Spencer yelled from the doorstep.
"Sex!" The old lady answered ahead of him, in a louder voice with the same smile on her face she'd possibly reserve for giving her grandchildren hard candy.
"What?" Spencer repeated, eyes clearly wide even from the distance he was.
Jon quickly cut the old lady off from repeating herself. "We're going to Pennsylvania."