The Girl That Filled My Dark

“I’m not stopping, I can’t anyway, even if I wanted to.”

“What do you mean you don’t want to? How can you-”

“You don’t understand, only one thing that will make me stop.” He interrupted me.

“Well?”

“You see, there was this girl. I loved her so much, and I did something really stupid. I would do anything to take it back, but she won’t let me. She left, now she’s back and I don’t know what to do. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone. And I need her more than anything.” He looked me in the eye for the first time the whole time we’ve been talking. It pushed me over the edge. I broke down and bawled my eyes out right in front of him. “But it’s okay that she doesn’t want me anymore, because I know it’s my own fault and I wouldn’t love me either.”

“Ronnie, I do want you.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I don’t want to get hurt again. And don’t even promise me you won’t do it again because you already did that and look what happened.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. At least stay here the night?”

“Only if you promise, no drinking to get to sleep tonight.”

“Deal.”

Ronnie and I spent the whole night in his bunk. I told him what I told max, what I’ve been doing, which hasn’t been much, how I’ve been, which hasn’t been good. He told me about him, even though Max had already told me everything, but Ronnie didn’t know that.

We both went silent. I would like to say it wasn’t awkward, but it was. I was sick of it. “I’m gonna go to bed, I’m way to tired, night.”

“Night Shay.” I went to the lounge at the front of the bus and told the guys that I was staying the night. They all went to their bunks so I could sleep. They insisted on letting me use their bunks, but I wouldn’t.

1:00 in the morning, still awake. I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t want to, but I’ve realized I need him more than anything in the world. I lay on my back and stared at the roof of the bus, I would say I did that for half an hour before I heard someone get up. Ronnie emerged from the bunks.

“Cant sleep,” he told me.

“Me neither,” I replied and got up. I went into the kitchen and got a coffee. I’m not going to sleep so I have to not be tired, caffeine works to keep me awake.

“Why not?”

“Just thinking.” I turned around swiftly but a walked straight into Ronnie. He stood still, nervous at how close our bodies were. I’m not going to lie, I was nervous to. I got up on my tip toes and pressed my lips to his. At first he didn’t kiss back, but finally responded and started to kiss me back. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer. He pulled back; he obviously just realized that I had kissed him.

“I thought you didn’t-”

“I lied. I need you more than anything ever.” He smiled and pulled me back to him. And to think I was gonna forget about him. What was I thinking? I wish I could be mad at him, but I think it’s safe to say it’s impossible. This time I pulled back from the kiss and lead him back to his bunk. To sleep. I climbed in first, the Ronnie followed, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. He kissed my forehead.

“I love you Shay.”

“I love you to Ronnie.” I said before falling into a deep sleep.