Words I Might Have Ate

After coming to the realization that I had become a bum much like people I had befriended in the past, then lost touch with due to moving around, I decided to make a change so I didn’t end up sleeping on the streets and devouring any leftover scraps that would be considered a meal due to hunger. I returned home where I belonged for at least another year, and I made a plan to set things right.

Everything was scattered--my thoughts, emotions--and I set out to un-scatter them and figure out what I really wanted. That was one person in particular who I so stupidly let go of. He was the first person I wanted to set things straight with--even if we ended up not getting back together. I broke his heart. How would he know to trust me again? I didn’t fully trust myself. What if I made another stupid decision such as that and ended up losing him forever?

... But I sauntered over to his house intent on fixing everything. Of course, I didn’t exactly know how. I didn’t even know if he was going to want to see me... But I took a chance, and knocked on his front door. I knew he was home because his car was there. He would much rather drive somewhere than walk. The twenty-second wait for someone to answer the door was agonizing. I didn’t know if it would be him, his mother, or a sibling... but in my head, I had a feeling it would be him.

And I was right.

I couldn’t even look him in the eye. I felt overwhelmed and horrible when I did. He didn’t look too happy either; definitely surprised. His expression seemed to soften a bit when I attempted to speak.

“Before you close the door on me, I want you to know that... I’m an idiot... and I regret what I said before. I just... can’t keep my mind off of you. I think back to the better times we’ve had, and I just... hate myself for disposing what we had. It was something real.” He stared blankly for a moment, then spoke.

“Did Mike show you the song?” I shifted my eyes in confusion.

“What song?”

“It’s just so crazy, what you just said. I wrote a song... everything you just said is in that song... in more or less words.” I sighed a sigh of relief and anxiety. I didn’t know what was coming next. He closed the door behind him, and I moved to the side so he had room to settle himself. I couldn’t believe what was happening. He wasn’t calling me names or talking shit to my face. It was wonderful, but weird. I had actually grown accustomed to it.

“Uh,” I hesitated, clearly not knowing how to react.

“That gig that we had... we were gonna play this song I wrote for you.”

“Oh,” I said softly. I still didn’t know how to react to any of this.

“What are you doing here Carrie? Why are you saying all this?”

“Because I really am sorry, and I want to make things right again. I know you probably want nothing to do with me, but I wanted to let you know that I regret breaking up with you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for dating your best friend and fucking stuff up in your life. I’m sorry I even have to apologize right now. I just wanted to let you know that... and I still really care about you, and I think about you every day and I... still love you.” I looked straight into his eyes when I said that. It was so hard to. I felt more exposed than if I were standing there naked.

There was an uneasy silence for a little while and a tear rolled down my cheek. We didn’t meet each other’s eyes. I was hoping something would break the awkward tension... anything. I wanted to tell him I was going to leave, but I couldn’t. I coudn’t speak, I couldn’t move. I was frozen in anxiety.

“You really hurt me, you know that right?” I nodded.

“I didn’t intend to. But you’ve hurt me every day since then.”

“That doesn’t even compare to how you hurt me. You broke my heart...”

“I know, but I broke mine too... and I thought Mike could make it better, but it turns out, I’m just a crazy person, and no one could and ever will compare to you...” Another few moments of agonizing silence went by. I really didn’t know what else to say.

“So what are you asking for, here?”

“I’m asking for you to forgive me.”

“That it?” I looked away and nodded. “I still think about you every day. I miss what we had. I’m sorry for the things I said, too. I wish I could take it all back. I wish it was that easy to forgive and trust you again.” Another tear fell from my eye.

“That’s understandable.”

“And I know you want more than my forgiveness.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” I half-smiled, wiping my eye.

“And I kinda want it too.” I sniffled and he took my hand. My heart pounded. “So if you want me to forgive you, you have to answer two questions.” I nodded, growing more nervous. “Why did you break up with me?” I somehow knew he was going to ask that. I gave him my honest answer with a shaky voice.

“I was scared.”

“Of what? Of me?” I shook my head.

“Of the idea of being with someone who loved me... I didn’t want to get hurt, emotionally, I mean. I was afraid you were gonna hurt me in some way. I had all these crazy thoughts freaked myself out.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me about any of that stuff?” I shrugged.

“Because I’m crazy.” Another moment of silence. “What’s your other question?” I asked, anticipating his reply. He paused before he spoke.

“I’m the crazy one... because even though you broke my heart, then got with my best friend, I still want to be with you.” I met his gaze with blurry eyes and sniffled a couple of times. “But I want things to be a bit different. I want you to talk to me when you’re scared. I want communication between us. I still love you too.” I gripped his hand and he pulled me into his embrace. I just about died. I thought I would never get to hold him again. He smelt so good... well, I missed his smell. “So what do you say? Deal?”

“Deal,” I grinned. “I missed you so much. I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” he said softly. “I missed you too. And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be mad at Mike either. I don’t to be the one who ruins your friendship. You can’t not be friends anyway. You’ve been best friends for so long.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll sort everything out with Mike. Don’t worry about it.” He held me at arm’s length so we could stare into each other’s eyes and savor the moment. Instead of doing that, I leaned forward and we locked lips, which I had been wanting to do since I broke up with him. I wanted to keep my lips locked to his. I didn’t want to end this moment. I felt like a ginormous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. He cupped my face with his free hand, and I rested my hand on his neck, to deepen the kiss.

After our make-up kiss was over, we sat on his stoop, fingers intertwined, and I rested my head on his shoulder.

“I wish you would’ve grown some balls a long time ago so you could get the courage to talk to me,” I said. He chuckled.

“I tried, I honestly did. But I always thought you wouldn’t want to speak to or see me. And I didn’t even know what I would say. I always chickened out at the last minute.”

“I had an epiphany and I couldn’t stand not having you any longer.” He kissed my temple.

“I’m glad you’re one to stick to your convictions.” I smiled.

“For a while there, I wasn’t. But then I remembered something important: I’m not a hypocrite, just a girl who makes mistakes like any other person and learns from them.” He nodded. “But I know one thing: I’ll never let you go again.”