She Loves You

I was going crazy.

Completely insane.

And it was my fault.

I had pushed her away for no good reason and now I was paying for it.

Lyndsey was on the other side of Sarah and Jason’s yard, her lips curved in a smile as she spoke to her big brother though even from this distance I could see that her smile wasn’t as strong as it used to be. I sighed and ran a hand down my face, sitting down heavily on one of the benches out here.

“Way to try and break my furniture,” Sarah chuckled as she sat down beside me, her arms wrapping around her waist as she looked at me. “You okay ducky?”

I shrugged before shaking my head. There was no use in lying to her. Next to Lyndsey, Sarah knew me best. She always knew when I was lying and would always call me up on it.

“You want to talk about it?” She asked, wrapping her hands around one of my arms. “’Cause I’m an excellent listener.”

I huffed out a small laugh and looked at her for a second before looking back over to where Lyndsey was. She was now sitting down, by herself, her shoes discarded beside her and her legs dangling in the pool. Lyndsey stretched her arms out behind her and leant on them, slipping her sunglasses on and I watched as her whole body relaxed in the sun.

“I don’t know what you want me to say Sarah,” I started. “You already know what happened.”

“Fine!” I shouted and threw my jacket down. “I’ll stay in.”

Lyndsey stared at me for a couple of seconds, her arms crossed over her chest as she studied me. I shook my head a little and raised my arms, wanting her to do something or say something. I’d done what she had wanted me to, so why was she looking at me like I was an idiot?

Lyndsey rolled her eyes and let her arms drop to her sides.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” she told me, turning to walk towards the stairs.

“How am I a fucking idiot?” I shouted after her, cutting the distance between us down. “I’m doing what you fucking want me to do, so why does that make me an idiot?”

Lyndsey turned on her heel and glared down at me, her hand clenched round the stair banister as she paused halfway up the stairs.

“When did I ask you to stay in Brian?” She asked, her voice beginning to rise a little. “When did I tell you not to go out? When have I ever fucking asked that of you?”

“You don’t have to. I can see it in your eyes when I tell you I’m going out,” I explained, my voice still heated as I watched her begin to descend the stairs.

“But I’ve never actually asked you have I? You stay in, or you come home early, all on your own steam Brian. I would never ask you to stay in when I know you want to be out with the guys,” she pointed out. “I would never do that.”

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel guilty if I do go out. I come home early because all I can see is that fucking pathetic look in your eyes...”

Lyndsey scoffed and shoved me out of the way as she walked through to the kitchen.

“Glad to know you think I’m pathetic.”

I growled and ran my hands stressfully through my hair. “I didn’t mean it like...”

“I don’t care,” Lyndsey told me, waving her hand about dismissively as she took a sip of water from the glass she was holding. “Go out. I’m sorry if you feel guilty but listen to me Brian. Go. Out. See the guys. I’m giving you all the permission. And if it helps, I’ll shut my eyes then you won’t have to see the pathetic look.”

Lyndsey shut her eyes, as she said she would, and just stood there. I rolled my eyes and huffed out a humourless laugh.

“This is ridiculous,” I muttered as I turned on my heel. “At least I’m not the one who’s let themselves get fucking old before their time.”

I bent down to pick up my jacket but it fell from my fingers as I jumped, startled by the sudden volume of Lyndsey’s voice.

“Excuse me?” She practically screamed at me. “Did you just call me fucking old?”

I turned and looked at her, watching as her fingers tightened their grip around the glass until her knuckles began to whiten. I shrugged and shoved my hands in my pockets.

“Yeah I did. You want to know why?” I asked rhetorically. “Because you let your fucking job dictate what you do. You’ve let it take over your whole entire life and you’re always tired because of it. You’re twenty-two years old Lyndsey. My mum has more of a fucking life than you do.”

Lyndsey’s grip tightened more on her glass before she smashed it down on the counter beside her. I was sure that she hadn’t actually meant to shatter the glass, but I guessed I’d angered her more than I thought because the glass went everywhere. Lyndsey paid it no mind as she glared at me.

“You fucking bastard,” she seethed as she grabbed at the scrubs she was still wearing. “Yes okay so I’m fucking tired after work. But you try and be all perky and awake after doing a ten hour shift in emergency. You try and tell me that you wouldn’t be fucking drained after a shift like that. Doing what I do!”

She poked herself harshly in the chest as she said that last sentence before she began talking again.

“And yes, I admit it. I do feel down sometimes when you go out. There is nothing I’d like more than to come home from work and be able to just pull on my pyjamas and cuddle up with you as we watch mindless TV for a few hours. But I never fucking ask that of you Brian because I know that you don’t want to do that. I know that you want to see your friends so I let you do that. I don’t keep you on a fucking leash.”

“Well it fucking feels like it sometimes,” I countered.

Lyndsey huffed out a breath and threw her arms up in the air.

“When have I ever treated you like that?”

“You’re always asking me where I am, asking me who I’m with, what time I’ll be home...”

“Well excuse me for wanting to know if you’re safe, and it’s not like I fucking do it all the time. I ask you before you go out,” Lyndsey interrupted me. “I never phone you throughout the evening. I text you yeah, but just before I go to bed. Just so I can say goodnight. I don’t expect a text back. I don’t expect a phone call.”

“You treat me like a fucking child and I’m sick of it.”

Lyndsey narrowed her eyes at me, her hands now on her hips as she looked over at me.

“Sick of it, or sick of me?” She questioned and I could see in her gaze that she was daring me to answer.

“You know what?” I replied honestly. “Sometimes I can’t tell the difference.”

It should have affected me the way my girlfriend’s face fell when I said that. It should have affected me the way her arms fell down to her sides as if she felt completely defeated. But I was so far into my anger that it didn’t.

The longer the silence lasted, the more frustrated I became until I eventually grabbed up my jacket and left the house. After being out for a few hours, I’d started to kick myself for the things I’d said so I’d come home to try and make peace with her. To try and tell me girlfriend of five years that I wasn’t sick of her. That I didn’t mean it. That I’d just been angry.

Not that that was an excuse.

When I returned just four hours later, the house was empty of all of Lyndsey’s stuff. Lyndsey was nowhere. All that was left for me was a note from her that simply read:

Now you have nothing to be sick of.
Have a nice life.

That was when it affected me.

That was when I realised what I’d done.

Sarah sighed beside me and rested her head against my arm.

“I lost everything and it was my fault,” I muttered.

“No you didn’t...”

“Please,” I scoffed. “I did, Sarah, and you know it. I fucking pushed her away for no reason and now I’m paying for it.”

“Paying for it?”

I nodded as Sarah sat up and blinked at me.

“What do you mean?”

I looked over at Lyndsey and watched as she kicked her legs through the water, her body arching slightly as she stretched.

“She’s still in my life,” I told Sarah quietly. “But she’s not in my life. She treats me like her big brother’s friend. Like all I am to her, all I’ve ever been, is Matt’s friend. And it fucking kills. But I can’t whine and moan about it because it’s all my fault.”

Sarah remained silent as she stared at me before looking over at her best friend.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this,” Sarah admitted after a moment or two. “But I saw Lyndsey yesterday and...even though you hurt her, she still thinks about you. Every day she thinks about you. Just wanting to know how you are. If you’re well, if you’re happy...”

Sarah looked at me and all I could do was stare back.

“She loves you,” Sarah voiced. “She said that you cut her so deep with your words that it felt like you’d gone straight through to her soul.”

I sucked in a breath and looked over at Lyndsey.

“You know she felt like she was losing her mind when she left. For these last few weeks she’s felt completely at a loss and she blames you for that but,” Sarah continued. “She knows that you didn’t mean to hurt her. She knows that’s not who you are.”

“Then why won’t she talk to me?”

“Just because she knows that you didn’t mean to hurt her, she thinks that you meant it. She thinks that you are sick of her and that you thought she was too clingy so she’s giving you distance.”

I shook my head and sighed. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”

“Yup,” Sarah grinned at me, nudging me in the side. “But this can all be fixed.”

“How?”

“Lyndsey loves you,” Sarah told me again. “All you need to do is suck up your pride and go and say sorry. That’s all she needs to hear. That you didn’t actually mean it.”

Sarah stood up and stretched, smiling as arms wound their way around her waist and Jason propped his chin on her shoulder.

“Despite everything,” Sarah concluded. “She still loves you...and for that, you should be glad.”

I nodded and looked over at Lyndsey again. It took me less than a second to work out that Sarah was completely right. I pushed myself to my feet and ignored Sarah’s small ‘whoop’ of excitement and made my way round the garden so I could go talk to Lyndsey.

Lyndsey’s P.O.V

I had a feeling that Brian and Sarah didn’t know that I was watching them as they spoke. My eyes were shielded by my sunglasses so it didn’t surprise me if they hadn’t realised. It didn’t take a genius to know that they were talking about me, the way their glances kept going over to me. I had a bad feeling that Sarah was telling him about what I’d told her yesterday.

I knew for sure that she had when I saw him stand up and begin to walk over to me. I froze as he came closer, not knowing what to do...or what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted him to sweep me up in his arms and forgive him for his words and let him kiss the hurt he’d caused me away. But the other part of me meant what I had said to Sarah.

Yes I still loved Brian but he had cut me so hard with his words. I wasn’t sure if him explaining himself would help.

I chewed at my lip and looked down at the pool water as I felt Brian come closer. It took less than a minute before ripples appeared in the pool and I looked up and to the side to see Brian now sitting with his legs in the water but sitting about three feet away from me.

I blew out a breath as we both sat there in complete silence. As the silence grew, I gave up. I shuffled back a little and went to take my legs from the water so I could get up but I stopped as Brian finally spoke up.

“I’m a complete fuck up.”

I lowered my legs back into the water and shrugged my shoulders, keeping silent as I dropped my hands down to my lap.

“I’m so sorry Lynds,” Brian told me quietly. “I know it’s completely redundant but I am. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. I’m not sick of you. I’m not sick of you caring about me. I’m not sick of any of it. I’d just...fuck, I’d had such a bad day and I just...took it out on you. I shouldn’t have. That’s not what you’re there...were there for and I’m just...fuck, I’m sorry.”

It kind of stung when he corrected himself and changed it to were there for but I was the one that left him. But only because of what he’d said. In my heart I was sure that he meant it. As I packed all of my stuff and phoned Taylor to see if I could stay at hers, I went over everything I’d ever done in our relationship. I evaluated every little thing, wondering when I’d started to become clingy.

I looked to the side as I heard movement and watched as Brian shuffled a bit closer to me until we were about a foot apart.

“If you’d had a bad day, why didn’t you just talk to me about it?” I asked him quietly.

“I wanted to, I was going to but then you came home and you looked so tired and I could see that all you wanted to do was have a long, relaxing bath,” Brian explained. “So I thought I’d go out with the guys, blow off some steam and then we could talk the next day.”

I swallowed and looked back to my lap, nodding slightly. I wasn’t too bothered if he’d taken a bad day out on me, Lord knows that I’d done it to him often. But his words were still going through my mind and each time they did, my heart tore a little bit more.

I sniffed and closed my eyes as a tear fell down my cheek. I heard Brian hiss quietly and I knew it was because he’d seen me crying. He’d always hated seeing me cry, even when we were younger before we’d gotten together. His strong arms suddenly wound round me and I turned my body a little, bringing my hands up to curl my fingers in his T-shirt as I cried.

“Fuck, baby, please stop crying,” Brian pleaded quietly, his voice slightly muffled in my hair.

I wanted to, I really did but I couldn’t. I hadn’t really cried over Brian at all. I hadn’t had the time. He’d been right when he said that my job had taken over my life. I hadn’t had the time to break down because of what had happened between Brian and I because I had had to go to work.

When I left the house, I went straight to Taylor’s and went straight to bed before waking up in order to go to work.

I’d wanted to. There was nothing more that I wanted, than to be allowed a few hours where I could just be heartbroken but I couldn’t fit it in, which sounds so stupid but it’s true. Sure I’d cried a little bit but I hadn’t broken down, not like I was doing now.

Brian tightened his grip on me, bringing me closer to his body as he ran his fingers through my hair. I don’t know how long we sat there, or how long I cried for but I had long stopped crying before we pulled away and once we had, I noticed that no one was outside anymore.

“Am I really that pathetic?” I whispered, my voice cracking a little as I looked up at Brian. “Had I really become clingy?”

Brian shook his head and reached up to push my glasses away from my eyes, taking some of my hair up with them.

“Then why did you say it?”

“I...I don’t know,” Brian admitted after a moment of silence, his eyes closing as I sucked in a breath. “And that makes me sound like complete shit, but I don’t know why I said it.”

He opened his eyes and brought his hands up, cupping my jaw as his thumbs gently rubbed against my cheeks in order to wipe away some of my tears.

“But I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean a word of it,” he insisted, his dark eyes boring into mine. “You’ve never been clingy towards me ever, or made it seem like I can’t go out. It’s my deal that I feel guilty, not yours.”

I sniffed and turned a little more so I could look at Brian properly, his hands dropping down from my jaw and falling to my lap where my hands were resting still. Our fingers linked together and he squeezed my hands gently.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe the words that I say but I am so sorry,” Brian apologised once again, letting his gaze fall to our hands. “And I love you so much and I hate to know that I’ve lost you. It’s killing me.”

I licked my bottom lip as I looked at Brian for a second, wondering if giving him a second chance would be a good idea or not. I let out a breath and glanced over to Sarah’s house, rolling my eyes a little when I realised that we did have an audience, just they’d all gone inside. My gaze caught Taylor and Sarah who both grinned at me and put their thumbs up.

I looked back at Brian and squeezed his hands, making his gaze flicker up to me.

“I believe you,” I told him quietly, a small smile flitting across his lips. “Just...don’t push me away again. If there’s a problem them tell me, even if I look dog tired just tell me what’s going on.”

Brian’s eyes slowly lit up as he realised that I was telling him I wanted to give us another chance. He brought his hands up and pulled me forward, catching me in a kiss that I knew would leave me breathless.

“Fuck, I don’t deserve you,” he breathed but before I could reply, he had pulled me back into another kiss.

I brought my hands up and tangled my fingers in his hair as Brian’s hands went down to my hips and he pulled me even closer, making me bring my legs out of the water so I could straddle his legs.

“I love you,” I muttered, resting my forehead against his as I played with the ends of his hair.

Brian smiled warmly. “I love you too.”

Our lips met again and I could vaguely hear the noise of our friends and my goof of a brother cheering, but I didn’t pay them any attention. All I paid attention to were the lips moving against mine and the arms locked around my waist.

I was back where I belonged.