It's a Feeling That You Cannot Miss

"Bert, why can't you see what you're doing to yourself?" I wailed, a tear rolling down my cheek.

I was referring to my boyfriend's drug addiction. He'd been doing drugs since he was fifteen; and it has been eight years since then. It has gotten much, much worse. He’s injecting, snorting, and smoking drugs almost everyday. It kills me to know that he’s harming himself. Also, I’m very much against drugs.

I’ve been straightedge since age fourteen, basing my decision off of my big sister’s death. So, that means I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs.

Bert simply looked at me and rolled his eyes. “This is really getting old, Carolyn."

All he cares about is being high. He doesn't even care about me anymore. Things used to be better, we were happy. Bert was fun to be around, he really cared about me, and I was never alone. It really tears me up to know that Bert loves the drugs more than me, his girlfriend of four years. Even his best friends aren't important to him anymore. Jepha is closest to him, always has been, and seems more like a boyfriend to me than Bert. He is so sweet, cares about me more than himself, and is just altogether a great guy.

I leave the room to go find Jeph. I really need a hug right now, and Jepha is always there for me. I find him in the studio's practice room messing around with Quinn's acoustic.

"Has he finally realized how much he's fucking his life up?" Jeph asked when I entered the room. I shook my head, sitting down next to him. He set down the quitar and wrapped his strong, safe arms around me. That's another great thing about Jepha, he always knows what to do to make me feel better, and I feel so at home in his arms.

I feel guilty every time I realize I compare Jepha and Bert. Sure, Jeph does drugs too, but only occasionally and usually if he's at a party. Recently, he's quit cold-turkey because he sees what's happening to his best friend. Bert's losing all of his friends, respect from the fans, and his musical ability. He hasn't been able to write shit in months.

"He doesn't deserve you, y'know," he whispered in my ear, his hot lips briefly touching the skin. I shivered slightly, leaning into his touch. Our embrace was interrupted when Dan entered the room looking for his gray Pardee jacket.

"No one in this piece of shit band does," Jeph said, waving his hand in Dan's direction, where the tall man was bent over displaying his butt crack. A small smile appeared on my face at this, "I don't know," I said, "a few of you are pretty great." We shared brief grins, laughing as Dan fell over a random amp. He jumped up, hoodie in tow. "Bye, lovies!" he yelled, running out of the room screaming Quinn's name. I chuckled, I love that man.

"I was being completely serious when I said that none of us deserve you, we're just a bunch of Utah-born lazy ass potheads."

"You're much more than that, Jephy. All of you are. Your fans love you a lot, and I can see why. You all put everything you got into your music, you four really know how to bring the life back into someone's eyes. Whether it be a fourteen-year-old girl, or a ninety-year-old hobo, you really could make anyone smile."

Jepha lauhed, patting my knee. "But Bert, Bert doesn't deserve you. He only deserves a good kick in the genitals."

I giggled, "yeah, I've been thinking about me and Bert a lot recently, I don't see why I'm still holding onto him."

"I think you should break it off. The guy's my best friend, but he's totally fucking up his life. The drugs have blinded him, he doesn't see what he's slipping away from."

I nodded, finally deciding that I have to stop this, it's not going anywhere anyway. "Okay, I'm gonna go talk to him."

Standing up, I left the room and bumped into Quinn in the hallway. "Oh, hey Care, have you seen Dan?"

"No, he was looking for you earlier but..." I trailed off, my mind distracted on how I was going to execute this.

"What's up in that head of yours?" Quinn asked, setting down the cantaloupe he was carrying.

I explained to him what I was about to do and about me and Jeph's conversation. He sighed softly, "It's about time."

I looked at him, confused. "You and Bert... Bert loves the drugs. It took you some time to realize that."

"Will... will you talk to him when I'm finished?" I asked, playing with my fingernails.

Quinn nodded, and we walked to the recording room. When I opened the door my eyes began to water from the burning smell of a joint. Bert was laying on the floor, smoking and singing "Pretty Handsome Awkward."

"Bert."

He stopped singing at the sound of my voice, "Car-o-lyn! Wanna hit?"

I groaned, "Bert, you know I don't smoke. We need to talk." He nodded, and began humming.

"Bert, we... we need to break up. You don't love me, you love the drugs, the high."

He looked at me, "Carolyn, no. I do love you. I can change!"

Sighing, I said, "Bee, this is my life, I don't want to waste it, like you're doing."

He stood up, "Carol-lyn. Don't go."

I told him I was sorry, that he would see me around. I told him I hoped he could change, I told him how he was losing everything, then showed him.

I walked back into the practice room, finding Jeph on his laptop. He pushed it aside and pulled me onto his lap. "How'd it go?"

"He didn't like the idea, but it's over. Quinn's talking to him now."

Jeph nodded, "good."

We sat in silence and I settled into Jepha, leaning into his torso, laying my head on his shoulder. I could feel him watching me, but I just cosed my eyes. "Jephy," I mumbled.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

I opened one eye to see him smiling his cute little smile. I smiled up at him and he kissed my nose, making me giggle.

"Like I said before, Care, you do deserve someone much classier, who can take you to fancyass restaurants instead of ordering take-out and playing Nintendo."

I grinned, "but maybe that's how I like it." And he kissed me.