Maybe Memories

The hot summer began cooling off and fading into fall. Sirius found that he crossed Regulus' path on a daily basis. Sometimes, Regulus would look at Sirius as if he wanted to say something, but he never did. Some days it would make Sirius quite angry, but other days he just wished Regulus would say anything at all to him.

It seemed as of Remus was distancing himself from Estelle and it was enough that Sirius noticed. He wanted to ask, but never got the chance to talk to Remus alone. He didn't want to mention it to Estelle in case somehow she'd managed to miss it.

During mid-October, Sirius and Estelle were sitting in the common room, displaying their public affection without giving it a second thought. James received an owl, so Sirius left Estelle's side to go pester James.

Then James shot up from his seat and crumpled the paper in his fist. He looked like he was about to cry, but before Sirius could say a word, he broke into a sob and threw the paper at the hearth and rushed to the boys dormitory.

Estelle picked up the letter that had missed the hearth. "Sirius, you need to come read this, right now..."

My dearest James,

I am terribly sorry that I did not write to you sooner. I, myself am still to distraught to hold a quill without shaking. But your Aunt Hannah has been kind enough, and patient enough to write what I'm saying. Your father has passed away, as we all knew was coming. Still, it is a great shock.

James, your father loved you more than anything. He was always so very proud of you. Everything you've done. Please let Sirius know too, for your father thought of his as a second son, in a way.

You boys be strong.

Love, Mummy

Sirius felt his heart sink to the pit of his stomach. Silent tears began to fall from his eyes, He quickly wiped them away. He sat back in the chair that James had been in and sat for awhile. Everything was running through his mind.

A few minutes later, he rose. He started to go towards the dormitory.

"Give him a minute," Estelle said.

"I'm not leaving him by himself," Sirius replied and moved forward.

"Are you alright?"

"Better than him, I'm sure."

Estelle and Lily followed him. Sirius stepped forward, to find a completely empty dormitory. "James?"

"Cloak," Estelle muttered.

Sirius sighed, "James, please..."

A quiet muffled sob came from the opposite end of the room, away from James' bed. Sirius moved forward carefully. He dropped to his knees and felt around until he found the edge of the cloak. He pulled it off of James.

"Leave me alone..." James said, "Just...leave..."

"I won't," Sirius said and held onto James' arm, "Not like this."

James ripped his arm from Sirius' grip. "Just leave me alone!"

Lily knelt next to James and touched his hand, "We won't leave you."

"I can't..."

"You're hurting," Lily said, "and there isn't anything we can do about it. You will be okay." Her voice was tender, and Sirius had never heard her use that voice before. James held her hand.

Sirius felt as if he was imposing on a very private moment, meant for no one else, as James pulled her forward and held onto her as he cried. Sirius put his hand on James' shoulder.

After awhile, Estelle and Lily left Sirius and James alone for awhile. Sirius had gone past the breaking point and wasn't able to hold back tears any longer, especially seeing James this way.

"I don't know what it's like to have a father, you know that actually cares," Sirius said, "The closest thing I had was yours... I can't even imagine... But your dad wouldn't want us like this, you know?"

"I can't help it right now," James managed to spit out.

"Well, of course not..." Sirius said, "but...you'll be alright."

"Thanks for not leaving me..." James muttered.

"Right," Sirius said.

Remus entered the room. "I'm terribly sorry," eh said quietly, "Professor Dumbledore would like to see the two of you."

Sirius pulled James up by the hand.

"If either of you need me..." Remus began.

"I know," Sirius said.

"Thanks," James mumbled. The rest of the way to Dumbledore's office, James didn't make another sound. When they reached the office, Sirius said the password and knocked on the door, for James seemed incapable of doing these things.

"Please, both of you, take a seat," Dumbledore said, "I am terribly, terribly sorry for the loss. It's a terrible feeling to loose a loved one, I know."

"You don't know..." James muttered.

Sirius elbowed him in the arm, "James..."

"Headmaster, your first mistake was attempting to relate to the student. No one knows how they feel, so they like to think," Phineas Black, the portrait of Sirius' great-great grandfather said.

"Thank you, Phineas, but i believe I can handle this," Dumbledore responded. He changed his tone back sympathetic, which by looking in his eyes you can tell he truly was, "I do understand how upset you may be. This was a terrible loss."

Sirius swallowed tears.

"However, we must all go through these things. Life must continue on. This is why I call you here. James, your father, and Sirius, something close to a father to you, was part of an organization. A defense against Voldemort."

James wiped his eyes, "What?"

"Yes, your father was very active in this organization. The Order of the Phoenix," Dumbledore said.

"The Order of the Phoenix?" Sirius said, "Fighting against Voldemort?"

"Yes," Dumbledore began, "Now this organization is not to be spoken of to just anyone. There are secrets that must be kept. That is why I tell the two of you. After the school year ends, you will be welcome to join."

"Why can't we join now?" Sirius questioned.

"I would say that you could, but as your headmaster, I wish for your education to be fulfilled first," Dumbledore replied.

"Does Estelle know about this?"

"Ms. Grant will to be asked to join," Dumbledore said, "So I take it you're interested?"

"Yes," both James and Sirius said at the same time.

"I thought you would be," Dumbledore said, "Now, it's nearly dinner time. Off you go."

Excitement was bubbling inside Sirius, as he and James walked down the corridor, he thought of fighting against the death eaters...

"You think that's where Wormtail's been going?" James asked.

"Why would Dumbledore let him join before us?" Sirius replied.

James stayed silent.

"Coming to dinner?" Sirius asked.

"No..." James said, "I'm not hungry..."

As the days passed, James never seemed to come out of loosing his father, in the least bit. Nothing seemed to interest him anymore. Sirius hoped this would pass soon.

He stayed close with Estelle. She and James seemed to be the only ones he had anymore. Peter was hardly around anymore. Remus avoided eye contact. He shook off his suspicions that Remus was up to something, but couldn't help when it crossed his mind once in awhile. More than anything, he kept The Order on his mind. It gave him something to look forward to.