Maybe Memories

Although I can't escape the bad memories...and the good ones seem to fade.

Both Sirius and Estelle sort of mutually agreed that they would pretend that they hadn't had that conversation last weekend. They went back to arguing about every single thing they could.

Sirius spent another Christmas with James. Regulus barely spoke to him anymore, and that was the only member of his family he could stand. Though, luckily, he hadn't seen Bellatix in awhile, and he hoped to keep it that way.

Becoming an animagus took up most of Sirius' free time. After the holidays their homework load got heavier, and took up time they could've been training. Lupin still thought that their idea was ridiculous.

"Come of it already," Lupin exclaimed, attracting more attention from the common room then needed.

"We're doing this to help you," Estelle said in a whisper.

"I never asked for help," Lupin said quietly.

"We want to!" Estelle hissed.

"Honest, I really love that you guys are so accepting," Lupin said, "but, breaking the law? Come on."

"It's too late," Estelle said, "we already started."

In February, Valentine's Day fell Hogsmeade weekend. All five of them were almost willing to stay at school for that. Instead of staying up in the common room, they stayed together inside The Three Broomsticks, deciding that was their best bet to avoid absolutely sickening couples galore. Sirius was particularly pleased that Estelle hadn't gone anywhere with Jasper. He was tempted to ask why not...

The cold weather slowly faded, and soon it was mid-March. There was some-what of a rumor going around that there was a bad of dark wizards killing muggles and muggle-borns. Though it was all hushed up at Hogwarts and the students weren't really supposed to know.

"Mum told me it's true, " James said quietly, "They're calling themselves deatheaters, and they have a leader, whose name she wouldn't say. From what I understand, most people are joining from fear."

"That's insane," Sirius said, "a group of nutters is what that is." His eyes shifted across the Great Hall to the Slytherin table. Narcissa and Malfoy were sitting together across from Regulus. Two gits who were Snape's friends sat beside Regulus, then there was Snape.

Estelle actually looked quite startled by this conversation.

The weeks drug on and soon, they were studying for their end of term exams. Estelle was 'helping' Sirius study for his Astronomy, because he 'couldn't figure it out'. They were seated on a couch in the common room. Jasper took a seat across the room, so Sirius decided to scoot closer to Estelle. At some point, his arm ended up around her.

"What are you doing?" Estelle questioned.

"Looking at your book," Sirius replied.

"We have to same book," she replied flatly.

"So, we do..." Sirius muttered.

All this studying for the exams caused their training to come to a halt. Before they knew it, they were on the train ride home, leaving Sirius to a long, miserable summer.

Most of the time, he sat in his room staring out the window and waiting for someone to write him back. Nearly everyday, he wrote to either James, Remus, Peter, Estelle or Andromeda. By the first week of July, he was finished all of his homework. Dinner was never enjoyable, but one night was worse than all the others put together.

It was the most sickening feeling he'd had in a long time coming down to dinner and finding the table full. His father, his mother, and Regulus, of course, but Narcissa, Bellatrix and her husband, Rodolphus, and his aunt Druella and uncle Cygus were also present, as well as his aunt Lucretia, and her husband, his uncle Alphard, and his grandparents. What had he done to deserve this, honestly?

Though, he did what was expected, and sat next to his brother and Narcissa, directly across from his mother. Bellatrix was giving off an even more discomforting feeling than usual, and her husband was like a lifeless shell sitting there.

At first, it was fairly quiet. Of course, that didn't last long and they were praising Regulus for being on Slytherin's Quidditch team. Though, Regulus was being very modest about it, Narcissa was aging it on about how great he was because Lucius Malfoy said so.

"Obviously, all the talent went to Regulus," Sirius' mother spat.

Sirius raised his eyebrows and shrugged, "I don't particular find it fun flying hundreds of feet in the air with eighty pound balls flying at me, trying to knock me off the broom."

His mother was beginning to make another comment, but was interrupted by his uncle Alphard, "I couldn't agree more."

Sirius' mother just glared at Sirius.

The conversation didn't make Sirius any more comfortable as it went on. The subject of putting yourself around the right people came up, which wasn't a surprise.

"Bellatrix, you of course had the right wits about you," her father went on, "you married a good man."

For some reason, Sirius found that sentence to be slightly appalling, and he nearly choked on his potatoes. His mother gave him a warning look, for about the tenth time within five minutes.

It was best that he simply kept his mouth shut. So, he sat silently, as the rest of the family continued to praise everyone except him. He told himself over and over that it didn't matter and he didn't care...though, somewhere deep down, it still hurt.

As members of his family were slowly leaving the dinner table, he darted out of the room and made his way for the stairwell.

"Just where do you think you're going?" Bellatrix questioned, wearing a smirk.

"Away from you," Sirius replied through clenched teeth.

Bellatrix snickered, "Missing your little filthy half-breed friends back at Hogwarts?"

"Shut-up," Sirius muttered. Regulus was standing at the door frame of the hallway.

"Miss your mudblood loving headmaster?" she asked.

"Don't," was all Sirius could bellow.

"What? That pathetic old git is bringing that school down," Bellatrix knew she had something that was getting at Sirius.

Sirius clenched his fists, "Shut up."

"Or you'll do what?" she questioned, "I see no wand in your hand."

"You're honestly pathetic," Sirius said, "Just pathetic."

She drew her wand back and threw a flash of red at him, but he threw himself away from it. Ash covered a hole in the wall.

"Well, you'll obviously have to do better than that," Sirius said turning to go the rest of the way up the stars.

Bellatrix made a face, and drew her wand back, "Crucio!"

Suddenly, an unbearable, unexplainable pain was struck on every inch of his body. His body tensed up and he curled up, likely falling down the few steps he had gone up, though he was unable to feel that, It was nothing compared to what he was feeling. He was sure he was screaming, there was no avoiding it.

Abruptly, it stopped.

"What the bloody hell did you just do to me?!" Sirius demanded in a hoarse yell.

A wide grin was spread across her face.

Sirius' mother rounded the corner, "What's going on here? Why is there a hole in my--Sirius, what the bloody hell are you doing in the floor?!"

"Mum...mum, Bella--"

"Oh, it's never you, is it?" his mother interrupted, "It's never your fault! Get up and act like you have half a brain. Merlin, you're such an embarrassment!"

Sirius sat there, thunderstruck.

Bellatrix giggled and skipped down the hallway.

Quietly, Regulus questioned, "Are you alright?"

Sirius nodded.

"Can't you just...not argue?"

"Yes, and leave Bellatrix with the satisfaction of feeling like she got to me?" Sirius questioned.

"Yes! If she's going to do that!"

"I can't just keep my mouth shut," Sirius replied rising from the floor, "Not for anyone." He turned and began up the stairs.

"They're going to disown you!" Regulus yelled after him.

"Let them!" Sirius said. When he reached his room, he slammed the door shut. He proceeded to kick his desk, and the drawer flew open.

Even though the flow of anger hadn't stopped, Sirius sat and buried his face in his hands. No, he wasn't going to cry over it. Although, he felt like he could.

For awhile, he stared aimlessly out the window at the bright blue sky filled with clouds that looked like cotton. He wasn't wrong, so why did he feel like he was being punished?

An owl swooped in the window. It was Estelle's tiny screech owl, and it landed on his headboard and hooted. Sirius untied the letter from it's leg, trying to remember what he had written last to Estelle. He stroked the owl for awhile, replaying the shouting match they had outside of Madam Puddifoot's before Christmas break. He hadn't spoken to Chelsey Boltavik once since then, and she often sent death glares at him, but Estelle still talked to Jasper quite often.

He opened the letter:

Dear Sirius,

It's hard to believe you've finished all of your homework. I haven't even done that. Remus probably hasn't even done that!

If you must know, aside from studying, I've been looking further into Astrology. Big surprise? I have found that I'm fascinated by the night sky.

I've actually had you on my mind quite a bit as of recently. During the summer, I always do though. I worry. I know you and your family don't see eye to eye. I realize that you don't agree with them, and if you did we wouldn't be speaking. Somehow, it makes me feel guilty, like I'm putting more of a strain on your relationship with your family.

You don't show it, but I know you're hurting. My heart hurts for you. I love you, Sirius, and I don't want you furthering your family problems because of me, so please, just keep me as a friend and nothing else.

Love, Estelle

Sirius folded the letter, with his brain pounding against his skull and his heart uncomfortably in his gut. Right now he needed to write to someone--and he was glad it was Estelle that first reached him. Though, all her letter did was confuse him.

He grabbed a piece of parchment:

Dear Estelle,

Thank you for the concern, honestly, it means the world to me. You mean more to me than you could ever imagine. It's becoming so clear. I'm nor trying to disregard what you've said, I'm just simply letting you know that my family means nothing to me. I don't base my life off of their wishes. I'm going to do what I will. Don't take them into accord, they're dead to me.

Love, Sirius

P,S. Yes, I know you love Astronomy.