Status: done, son.
Stillborn
Diana, I Love You
It wasn’t the first time Robert touched a girl by force.
He waited for the most vulnerable girl in sight to come to him, because he knew that they were the ones he didn’t have to trouble with. They didn’t have to be necessarily beautiful, since that wasn’t his area of expertise. They only had to be willing enough, and he knew his work was done.
♣♣♣
Every year they hold a carnival in Little Hill. The black and green, worn down tents hang loosely, as the wind gently blows against them, although the old ropes never let out. The smell is thick of greasy products and heavy manure produced by the usual farm animals carnies drag around incessantly from town to town. The attractions were cheap; half of the tea cups cracked on the sides, the children’s carousel often breaking down, and finally the Ferris wheel which was said to have no seatbelts, so if you fall, you fall.
Every year the same carnies came, some of the strangest people you could ever meet. The bearded lady was a testosterone-junked woman, who had the body of supermodel. They exhibited what seemed was her child, the supposed two headed baby who was simply two little baby twins, conjoined at the head.
The even had a fundraiser in their honour.
But to every girl in the small town of Little Hill, there was only one appeal: Robby, the fire-eater and sword swallower. Not only was he amazing at his job, but his looks were a delight to watch as well. His tanned skin glistened with sweat around noon; the time his act was usually held. Everyone was sure to get there early, just for his shirtless act. He was glorified and most of all adored by every woman and girl every year for that whole week.
♣♣♣
Every year since she turned fourteen, for a whole week, Audrey woke up earlier than usual, although she well knew it was summer, and most seventeen year olds her age would wake up around midday. She would buy a whole new wardrobe the week before, making sure she looked as good as it gets. Her thin eyelashes would clutter at the brush of the mascara she never wore, her cheeks would redden at the pinching they never got, and her crusted lips would clear up with the touch of the unfamiliar clear gloss.
She would ride her brother’s bicycle, the red paint wearing off and the wheels somewhat flat, to the far end of the town, the place where the carnival was usually held at. She would be sure to hide the bicycle behind the thickest tree on the road, making sure no one could see it. Robbery and vandalism weren’t new in Little Hill.
Her steps crunched against the hay spread on the entrance of the carnival, as the ticket man smiled down at her, his white make up wrinkling against his aged skin. Nothing mattered to him anymore, so why would he care if one snuck in to see the remains of what was?
Robby smiled, his thirty-two pearls shining early in the morning as the girl he had waited for approached. He met her years ago, the first time she came here as a full-grown girl and since then he knew she was the prey. As year to year passed, all it took from him was a little hunting.
♣♣♣
He slammed her against the back wall of the pizza stand, surely enough that was the place where no one would come to find them. Everyone was busy practicing for tonight’s event at the other side of the carnival, so even if she screamed as loudly as she could no one could hear her. It also helped that the band playing tonight was practicing, the music erupting and muffling the intense hollers coming from Audrey.
“Shut up.” He hissed, pressing even further against her, holding her back with one arm which had strengthened over the years, and unbuttoning her shorts with the other. He had gone through many screamers before; it didn’t matter what they did he was sure to finish even before anyone noticed he was absent. She kicked as well, just like many of the others had before, some which actually managed to bruise for a good amount of time, but this girl, she was weak. That thought made him smile.
♣♣♣
The only ray of light she got was from the small slit she accidentally made last year on her purple polka-dotted curtain, but either than that everything was shut down. Once her body stopped reacting so did her life. That day at the carnival was the last time anyone every got close enough to touch her. If they did, her system shut down and flashes of herself desperately trying to grasp freedom by the tail hurt her insides. They knew better than to agitate the knocked-up, hormonal girl.
She got every morning out of bed and into her small restroom, the shattered pieces of her mirror staring back at her, endlessly devoting themselves to making her feel miserable. She looked almost too fictional, too chaotic to even be alive. It didn’t matter. She would still throw up the small fragments of the food she barely ate, moaning in pain as the residual acid made its way down once again.
Audrey knew she was pregnant. Fifteen minutes after her older brothers found her, she was aware of the fact that she was carrying a bastard’s baby. She knew that her whole family was aware of what had happened, but in fear of anyone else in town finding out, they told everyone she had the measles. For a month, just like normal people do. She knew who and she clearly remembered how. She knew she wanted her insides to die, so the baby would die along with them. She knew she didn’t have the guts to kill it though.
People walked into her room like it was of their belonging, never minding how disastrous she felt and how much that showed on her face. Most of them driveling on about fresh air and missing friends that were expecting her back in school. There was nothing to be said.
If her mother came in to bring some food she would be sure to place it on the floor next to her bed, giving her a small smile which Audrey never returned. She was sickened by all of them.
Eventually they stopped coming after the fourth month. Eventually she stopped thinking about them, thinking about the many ways she could make her baby die. It was too late for abortion, by the time she remembered it existed three months had passed. There was only one person who still wanted the baby alive, which was also the one person who hadn’t given up on her existence: Dean, her only best friend who visited her every day at least once.
♣♣♣
“I know you don’t want people near you, but at the very least fix your hair before I throw you against the wall and brush it myself.” He joked, walking into her restroom and throwing at her a brush which landed at the other side of the room. She was too dumb-struck by his insensitive joke and the fact he was stupid enough to say it she just couldn’t manage to catch it.
It took him three seconds later to realize what he had just said. It took him another six to walk over to the other side of the room, pick up the brush and drop it next to her side without getting close. It took him another chunk of effort not to lean on the bed, hug her, and gently apologize for what he had just done.
Audrey grasped the handle of the brush, gently passing it through her blonde curls. She licked her desiccated lips, shifting her eyes towards Dean, who was too fearful of one of her attacks to approach any further than the corner of her room. “Why do... why do you keep coming?”
“Well,” His steps were gentle against her beige carpeting as he stopped at least five feet away from her. “I want to make sure you don’t kill little Dean Jr. or Diana May.”
A small cough came out of Audrey’s throat almost like a cry of the laughter she had been keeping in. “Excuse me?”
“It’ll be our baby.” This time he walked even closer, as she slowly inched away, one hand grasping onto her covers as the other held onto the brush. He sat on the bed, never really looking at her but at her round belly, which only grew and grew more like a balloon ready to pop. He sometimes just even came to watch it, trying to stop himself from reaching out and touching the beautiful belly of the prettiest girl he had ever seen. “I promise you it’ll be our baby, and we will take care of it together. All we need is four more months and I promise you, you’ll be happy.”
Her bottom lip trembled as he reached out his arm to touch her shoulder. For a second she didn’t want to pull away. She wanted him to reach out and assure her with just a short caress of his hand. In that diminutive period of time, she realized how much she wanted to say yes, and how badly it ached to be scared.
She stood up quickly, her breath quickening at the thought of his fingertips tip sliding across her skin. She was okay being alone. She was okay with never having this baby. She was okay with being left behind. She was okay with never feeling another person’s touch ever again.
Dean never came to visit her again.
♣♣♣
Things passed quickly in between those four months that were needed. She started to walk downstairs, the giant balloon weighing on her back, and into the kitchen where she spent her time eating for two. Her three older brothers became her only connection to the outside world, the space where they brought her giant pretzels and tubs of cheesecake ice cream. She couldn’t dare herself to count the calories, much less admit she was practically eating for three.
Not once did she agree to go see a gynecologist. The idea of someone or anyone for that matter even slightly tapping any part of her body was yet to stop frightening her. Her parents were the only ones who appeared unaware of her condition, simply accusing her of being mentally ill. If it wasn’t for them having to feed her, they would’ve probably already have kicked her out of the house, baby in hand.
Dean was still to be seen and slowly Audrey started to realize she wasn’t okay.
♣♣♣
It happened when she was walking down the stairs, something wet sliding down her legs. Once she looked down she found her bottom half trickling with water, leaving a small, clear puddle on the wooden stairs. She called out for her brothers immediately after that, carefully walking down and sitting on the couch, caressing her belly and waiting for them to come.
“Please... please...” She begged although she really didn’t know why. Images of what was about to happen flickered through her mind. She knew they would have to help her to a hospital where people would be touching her arms and legs. She knew someone would stick their hands into her... Oh God. She knew people would be grabbing her, touching her, feeling her and she would be lying down, her legs open to the world, and she could do nothing about it except be in pain.
“I really should have killed you when I could...”
♣♣♣
Audrey was sedated as soon as she got to the hospital. Her brothers made sure to tell the doctors and nurses that if she wasn’t, she would have a panic attack from all the anxiety she felt of people getting near. In her state of mind, even the slightest touch could trigger her fragility and make her break down.
They transported her immediately into the surgical room, one of her brothers accompanying her all the way, clutching her still hand. There wasn’t much to do when they sliced her belly and the redness poured down. It was almost like an outer body experience, something too horrible to look upon with a straight face.
The room spun with the tired souls of the doctors, and the worried expression of the eldest brother who could not bear the thought of ever being a woman.
♣♣♣
She woke up to the sound of a machine beeping loud and clear against her headache. She woke up to the soft and slow steps of Dean, drifting slowly towards the bed, unaware of her awakening. He was cuddling her small baby in his arms, looking out the window as if he could practically fly out any minute.
“Dean...” She moaned at the pain her lower stomach felt, reaching down and trying to feel the thin scar left by the doctors under her hospital robe. His head shifted back towards her, a sad smile protruding on his lips. He walked over to me, keeping his distance.
“Do you want to carry her?” He asked, looking down at the baby girl.
“Her?” She couldn’t help it. Tears started to form at the corners of her eyes, blurring her vision. “You- you know... you know that I can’t you idiot. Just... the slightest touch reminds me of that goddamn son of a bitch. If I looked at her I don’t think I would be able to handle myself. I wouldn’t be able to... to breathe. I would just be reminded of my own fucking self.”
“Carry her. Carry her god dammit because she’s your baby. She’s your fucking baby and you may not know this but she isn’t him. She is you. She is all of you, as beautiful as you and you can’t let her go. So,” He gently extended her towards her. “Please.”
Audrey looked at the bundle for a second, then back at his green eyes begging for her change. Her arms shook as he let her fall onto her hands, her beautiful, small figure cuddling against her own. She was probably beautiful. “Did I do this?”
“No... The doctor said it happens in premature labors. They call it... Umbilical Cord Prolapse. Basically,” He paused, looking up at the ceiling. “The umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and...”
“Diana...” She cooed, her lips pressing against the baby’s soft forehead. “Diana... Diana...”
At that moment Dean sat next to her, wrapping his arms around Audrey from behind, lying his head on her back. She didn’t flinch at his touch. He held her for all that time she cried, all that time she was lonely, and all that time she missed.
All that Audrey knew was that she would be okay as long as she held Diana. All that she knew was that she would be okay as long as she was touching her baby. All that she knew was that she would be okay as long as she was being touched.
He waited for the most vulnerable girl in sight to come to him, because he knew that they were the ones he didn’t have to trouble with. They didn’t have to be necessarily beautiful, since that wasn’t his area of expertise. They only had to be willing enough, and he knew his work was done.
♣♣♣
Every year they hold a carnival in Little Hill. The black and green, worn down tents hang loosely, as the wind gently blows against them, although the old ropes never let out. The smell is thick of greasy products and heavy manure produced by the usual farm animals carnies drag around incessantly from town to town. The attractions were cheap; half of the tea cups cracked on the sides, the children’s carousel often breaking down, and finally the Ferris wheel which was said to have no seatbelts, so if you fall, you fall.
Every year the same carnies came, some of the strangest people you could ever meet. The bearded lady was a testosterone-junked woman, who had the body of supermodel. They exhibited what seemed was her child, the supposed two headed baby who was simply two little baby twins, conjoined at the head.
The even had a fundraiser in their honour.
But to every girl in the small town of Little Hill, there was only one appeal: Robby, the fire-eater and sword swallower. Not only was he amazing at his job, but his looks were a delight to watch as well. His tanned skin glistened with sweat around noon; the time his act was usually held. Everyone was sure to get there early, just for his shirtless act. He was glorified and most of all adored by every woman and girl every year for that whole week.
♣♣♣
Every year since she turned fourteen, for a whole week, Audrey woke up earlier than usual, although she well knew it was summer, and most seventeen year olds her age would wake up around midday. She would buy a whole new wardrobe the week before, making sure she looked as good as it gets. Her thin eyelashes would clutter at the brush of the mascara she never wore, her cheeks would redden at the pinching they never got, and her crusted lips would clear up with the touch of the unfamiliar clear gloss.
She would ride her brother’s bicycle, the red paint wearing off and the wheels somewhat flat, to the far end of the town, the place where the carnival was usually held at. She would be sure to hide the bicycle behind the thickest tree on the road, making sure no one could see it. Robbery and vandalism weren’t new in Little Hill.
Her steps crunched against the hay spread on the entrance of the carnival, as the ticket man smiled down at her, his white make up wrinkling against his aged skin. Nothing mattered to him anymore, so why would he care if one snuck in to see the remains of what was?
Robby smiled, his thirty-two pearls shining early in the morning as the girl he had waited for approached. He met her years ago, the first time she came here as a full-grown girl and since then he knew she was the prey. As year to year passed, all it took from him was a little hunting.
♣♣♣
He slammed her against the back wall of the pizza stand, surely enough that was the place where no one would come to find them. Everyone was busy practicing for tonight’s event at the other side of the carnival, so even if she screamed as loudly as she could no one could hear her. It also helped that the band playing tonight was practicing, the music erupting and muffling the intense hollers coming from Audrey.
“Shut up.” He hissed, pressing even further against her, holding her back with one arm which had strengthened over the years, and unbuttoning her shorts with the other. He had gone through many screamers before; it didn’t matter what they did he was sure to finish even before anyone noticed he was absent. She kicked as well, just like many of the others had before, some which actually managed to bruise for a good amount of time, but this girl, she was weak. That thought made him smile.
♣♣♣
The only ray of light she got was from the small slit she accidentally made last year on her purple polka-dotted curtain, but either than that everything was shut down. Once her body stopped reacting so did her life. That day at the carnival was the last time anyone every got close enough to touch her. If they did, her system shut down and flashes of herself desperately trying to grasp freedom by the tail hurt her insides. They knew better than to agitate the knocked-up, hormonal girl.
She got every morning out of bed and into her small restroom, the shattered pieces of her mirror staring back at her, endlessly devoting themselves to making her feel miserable. She looked almost too fictional, too chaotic to even be alive. It didn’t matter. She would still throw up the small fragments of the food she barely ate, moaning in pain as the residual acid made its way down once again.
Audrey knew she was pregnant. Fifteen minutes after her older brothers found her, she was aware of the fact that she was carrying a bastard’s baby. She knew that her whole family was aware of what had happened, but in fear of anyone else in town finding out, they told everyone she had the measles. For a month, just like normal people do. She knew who and she clearly remembered how. She knew she wanted her insides to die, so the baby would die along with them. She knew she didn’t have the guts to kill it though.
People walked into her room like it was of their belonging, never minding how disastrous she felt and how much that showed on her face. Most of them driveling on about fresh air and missing friends that were expecting her back in school. There was nothing to be said.
If her mother came in to bring some food she would be sure to place it on the floor next to her bed, giving her a small smile which Audrey never returned. She was sickened by all of them.
Eventually they stopped coming after the fourth month. Eventually she stopped thinking about them, thinking about the many ways she could make her baby die. It was too late for abortion, by the time she remembered it existed three months had passed. There was only one person who still wanted the baby alive, which was also the one person who hadn’t given up on her existence: Dean, her only best friend who visited her every day at least once.
♣♣♣
“I know you don’t want people near you, but at the very least fix your hair before I throw you against the wall and brush it myself.” He joked, walking into her restroom and throwing at her a brush which landed at the other side of the room. She was too dumb-struck by his insensitive joke and the fact he was stupid enough to say it she just couldn’t manage to catch it.
It took him three seconds later to realize what he had just said. It took him another six to walk over to the other side of the room, pick up the brush and drop it next to her side without getting close. It took him another chunk of effort not to lean on the bed, hug her, and gently apologize for what he had just done.
Audrey grasped the handle of the brush, gently passing it through her blonde curls. She licked her desiccated lips, shifting her eyes towards Dean, who was too fearful of one of her attacks to approach any further than the corner of her room. “Why do... why do you keep coming?”
“Well,” His steps were gentle against her beige carpeting as he stopped at least five feet away from her. “I want to make sure you don’t kill little Dean Jr. or Diana May.”
A small cough came out of Audrey’s throat almost like a cry of the laughter she had been keeping in. “Excuse me?”
“It’ll be our baby.” This time he walked even closer, as she slowly inched away, one hand grasping onto her covers as the other held onto the brush. He sat on the bed, never really looking at her but at her round belly, which only grew and grew more like a balloon ready to pop. He sometimes just even came to watch it, trying to stop himself from reaching out and touching the beautiful belly of the prettiest girl he had ever seen. “I promise you it’ll be our baby, and we will take care of it together. All we need is four more months and I promise you, you’ll be happy.”
Her bottom lip trembled as he reached out his arm to touch her shoulder. For a second she didn’t want to pull away. She wanted him to reach out and assure her with just a short caress of his hand. In that diminutive period of time, she realized how much she wanted to say yes, and how badly it ached to be scared.
She stood up quickly, her breath quickening at the thought of his fingertips tip sliding across her skin. She was okay being alone. She was okay with never having this baby. She was okay with being left behind. She was okay with never feeling another person’s touch ever again.
Dean never came to visit her again.
♣♣♣
Things passed quickly in between those four months that were needed. She started to walk downstairs, the giant balloon weighing on her back, and into the kitchen where she spent her time eating for two. Her three older brothers became her only connection to the outside world, the space where they brought her giant pretzels and tubs of cheesecake ice cream. She couldn’t dare herself to count the calories, much less admit she was practically eating for three.
Not once did she agree to go see a gynecologist. The idea of someone or anyone for that matter even slightly tapping any part of her body was yet to stop frightening her. Her parents were the only ones who appeared unaware of her condition, simply accusing her of being mentally ill. If it wasn’t for them having to feed her, they would’ve probably already have kicked her out of the house, baby in hand.
Dean was still to be seen and slowly Audrey started to realize she wasn’t okay.
♣♣♣
It happened when she was walking down the stairs, something wet sliding down her legs. Once she looked down she found her bottom half trickling with water, leaving a small, clear puddle on the wooden stairs. She called out for her brothers immediately after that, carefully walking down and sitting on the couch, caressing her belly and waiting for them to come.
“Please... please...” She begged although she really didn’t know why. Images of what was about to happen flickered through her mind. She knew they would have to help her to a hospital where people would be touching her arms and legs. She knew someone would stick their hands into her... Oh God. She knew people would be grabbing her, touching her, feeling her and she would be lying down, her legs open to the world, and she could do nothing about it except be in pain.
“I really should have killed you when I could...”
♣♣♣
Audrey was sedated as soon as she got to the hospital. Her brothers made sure to tell the doctors and nurses that if she wasn’t, she would have a panic attack from all the anxiety she felt of people getting near. In her state of mind, even the slightest touch could trigger her fragility and make her break down.
They transported her immediately into the surgical room, one of her brothers accompanying her all the way, clutching her still hand. There wasn’t much to do when they sliced her belly and the redness poured down. It was almost like an outer body experience, something too horrible to look upon with a straight face.
The room spun with the tired souls of the doctors, and the worried expression of the eldest brother who could not bear the thought of ever being a woman.
♣♣♣
She woke up to the sound of a machine beeping loud and clear against her headache. She woke up to the soft and slow steps of Dean, drifting slowly towards the bed, unaware of her awakening. He was cuddling her small baby in his arms, looking out the window as if he could practically fly out any minute.
“Dean...” She moaned at the pain her lower stomach felt, reaching down and trying to feel the thin scar left by the doctors under her hospital robe. His head shifted back towards her, a sad smile protruding on his lips. He walked over to me, keeping his distance.
“Do you want to carry her?” He asked, looking down at the baby girl.
“Her?” She couldn’t help it. Tears started to form at the corners of her eyes, blurring her vision. “You- you know... you know that I can’t you idiot. Just... the slightest touch reminds me of that goddamn son of a bitch. If I looked at her I don’t think I would be able to handle myself. I wouldn’t be able to... to breathe. I would just be reminded of my own fucking self.”
“Carry her. Carry her god dammit because she’s your baby. She’s your fucking baby and you may not know this but she isn’t him. She is you. She is all of you, as beautiful as you and you can’t let her go. So,” He gently extended her towards her. “Please.”
Audrey looked at the bundle for a second, then back at his green eyes begging for her change. Her arms shook as he let her fall onto her hands, her beautiful, small figure cuddling against her own. She was probably beautiful. “Did I do this?”
“No... The doctor said it happens in premature labors. They call it... Umbilical Cord Prolapse. Basically,” He paused, looking up at the ceiling. “The umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and...”
“Diana...” She cooed, her lips pressing against the baby’s soft forehead. “Diana... Diana...”
At that moment Dean sat next to her, wrapping his arms around Audrey from behind, lying his head on her back. She didn’t flinch at his touch. He held her for all that time she cried, all that time she was lonely, and all that time she missed.
All that Audrey knew was that she would be okay as long as she held Diana. All that she knew was that she would be okay as long as she was touching her baby. All that she knew was that she would be okay as long as she was being touched.
♠ ♠ ♠
c/c appreciated! :3