Between Lies and Promises

It was on a Monday morning when she died. A cold winter morning in February, 4 years ago. A silent breeze was blowing out side and grey clouds were clouding up the sky. That’s when she gave her last breath to the world. Right after that moment, small snowflakes were falling from the sky, ready to cover the ground with a white sheet. It seemed like a sort of sign from her to let us know she really was gone by now.

I watched her lying in the bed which was standing in the living room for a few weeks now. Her skin had still a soft pink color. Not a healthy color but it made her alive, as if she just fell asleep. But there was no movement in her, no sign of breathing. No sign of life….. she was dead.

Weakly I smiled a smile no one could’ve seen. She has no pain anymore, she was happy now, or at least that’s what I assumed. Of course I cried too. No one can carry on with their lives after someone close died without grieving. It’s a healthy thing to do, so I did. I cried.

I cried, because two minutes ago I lost my mother. I cried, because nothing would be the same anymore. I also cried tears of anger because she of all people didn’t deserve it. But then… who does?

This, her death, I remembered clearly. It was the week after which was a blur. Like all the condolences’ and the arrangement for the funeral. I only know I was sad and the last thing I wanted to do was to pick a coffin for my mother or to decide which flowers she would have wanted on her funeral. My father was a mess and he asked my agreement on every choice he made, like he needed my permission. I was only 14 but only woman in the house left.

Even though she knew she was gonna die, she refused to arrange her own funeral or tell us how she wanted it to be. “I don’t care if you buy me a cheap coffin or if you don’t give me a gravestone. Right now I’m still alive and I’m not gonna waste my last days on death!” So we did what she said. No one dared to talk about death or funerals and especially not around her. I couldn’t blame her, I want the same.

It’s weird to see how death affects people, sort of scares them. You think you know someone? Wait and see when death comes around the corner, it changes your view a lot. Our neighbors for example. We don’t know them that well. We never talk to them. A simple “hello”and “good morning” was all you can get and if you are lucky they say “Hi. Nice weather huh?”. That’s the maximum you can get. But when my mother died they told us they were sorry for our lose and if we needed anything we just had to ask. It was not weird for them to say it, most people said it. But they actually did help us, something no one did. Misses Shane cooked for us a a few weeks, she and her daughter cleaned the house and Mister Shane did the garden. We were stunt, but thank full.

Unfortunately the opposite happened too. Our friends Bill and Susan did showed up at the funeral but that was all, we never spoke them again. This after a long time of friendship. Bill and my dad know another from high school and were best buds ever since. Thanks giving , Christmas, we all celebrated it with each other . But now this seems like a long time ago.

Bill and Susan weren’t the only one, sadly enough. Many friends and even family followed their path, and we as family decided that it was time for a new chapter. We decided to move, away from the big city Dallas in north east Texas to a small village called Saint Annaville in south Texas, close to the border with Mexico and the sea cost. My father was born and raised in Texas (and so was my mom) so he refused to leave Texas and we stayed. We just moved to the other site of the state. It was not easy to leave Dallas behind, the city where I was born and raised, to leave my mother behind in a cemetery there.

At first I was angry with my dad for doing this to us, but now I understand. And now I know that it was the hardest decision he ever made in his life. He had to quit his job as an accounted and start all over in a small village in the middle of nowhere. But he did it, and so did we.

The people here are nice and very generous which made it so much easier for us to start all over again. I like it here. It’s peaceful and quit, the perfect place to start a new chapter of your life, and for me at the same time the last chapter of my life. There’s no place in the world where I wanted to die rather than here………..