I'm Not Saying Goodbye

Jimmy was driving, while everyone else was either changing in the back or already passed out. My stomach wasn’t feeling any better, so I was still in the front seat, I was starting to think I was really sick. I felt so crappy that I didn’t even want to move, Bri would reach up and rub my back every couple minutes but it didn’t really help at all.

“Stop the fucking car!” I almost went straight through the window but caught myself at the last second. Jimmy had pushed on the brakes, and I could hear the puking sounds right next to me, which was making my stomach turn even more. Zacky was puking the entire contents of his stomach, it was probably due to how wasted he was at the end of the show. There was no question, I was moving to the back of the van. My time in the front was over, it was a rule. Whoever was carsick the most got to sit up front, and seeing Zacky puke his guts out definitely surpassed my stomach queasy-ness. Bri had passed out sometime in the pass 15 minutes, so that seat wasn’t an option. The other row was covered in bags and random articles of clothing. Zacky had split the beer he was drinking all over the front seat, so my only other option was sitting next to Matt. I climbed into the back of the van, trying to make my way past all the trash that littered the floor. Matt only moved slightly to make room, for me to sit next to him. I grabbed my pillow and curled up on the seat into a ball, clutching at my stomach. It was cramping every now and then, Jimmy said it was probably from the questionable burgers we had eaten before but I knew it was just from all the driving. Once we were back on the road, everything was pretty mellow. It was just quiet, people sleeping it off, and listening to iPods. I wanted to stretch out and just drift off, to sleep but that wasn’t an option. There was no way I was going to sleep next to Matt. I didn’t know if I would be alive when I woke up.

I was trying to find a comfortable spot to lean against but the window was too hard and everything else felt weird. I was trying to lean against the arm rest when Matt handed me his blanket. I looked at it like if was a bomb or something that would kill me.

“Uh, here. You can use it.” He mumbled as he put his ear buds back into his ear. I snuggled up against it and took a deep breath, it smelled amazing. I wanted to lean against him so bad, for some reason I felt like it would make me feel better. Just to know that someone cared.

The only times I actually felt like I wanted to be there was when I was with Matt; when it was just me and him everything was alright. We would just talk or sit there, but when everyone else was around he didn’t even acknowledge my prescience. I was just another “crazed, obsessive fan girl.” I wouldn’t say we were the best of friends but we didn’t hate each other either. We were basically just acquaintances, and nothing more.

___

“That show sucked!” Matt groaned, I didn’t bother to answer him. We already had a system; when he vented, I was just supposed to listen. Our system wasn’t perfect but it worked. He started talking about how the amps that they were supposed to use had a sucky sound or something like that. I was stupid when it came to all the tech stuff about the shows. All I cared about was the music. “Your not looking yourself today, I can see it in the way that your hand shakes.”

“Huh?” Was all that I could manage, Matt was still looking at me questioningly. If someone wasn’t themselves today it was him, since when did he care about how I looked everyday. I looked down at my hand, it was doing this little twitching thing, but it was mostly from the occasional turning of my stomach. “I’m okay.” I whispered, suddenly I was feeling a little weird about the turn that our conversation was taking. “So how’s Jessie?”

He looked away, I was grateful for the awkward silence, it made things a little better. Brian had already told me that Matt and Jessie were going through some things but I never asked for details. So it seemed like a good topic to take the attention away from myself.

“Oh, Uh Jessie is um, I really don’t know. We’re not together anymore.” Matt choked out, his voice sounded really strained and I could see the veins in his arms popping out. “I don’t care what she’s doing. She’s not my problem anymore.”

“Oh, I um, I didn’t; know. Sorry Matt.“ I stood up and with me being me, felt nervous as hell. I stuck my hand in my pocket as I looked down at Matt. “I think I’m just going to head back down to the van. So I’ll see you…later.” I grabbed at my locket as I took my time walking back to the van, it was what I did when I was nervous. Just to feel it there calmed my nerves.

“Ember!” I looked back and matt was running to catch up to me, I stood there and waited. He looked at me, I felt awkward all of a sudden like there was something on my face or I had a huge stain on my shirt. “I um, wanted to tell you something.”

“Uh,” I knew what was coming, it was the same every time. I tried to think of a way to stop this from happening. “Matt I really have to get back to the van.” I tried to pull away but he held me there, pulling me closer into him.

“Just stay, for a second.” He was staring into my eyes, I didn’t want to be his rebound just some easy lay. “Ember you have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to say this.

“What about Jessie, I know you’re going to get back together. You two were meant for each other.” I stuttered. I went still as he leaned in. I instantly relaxed into the kiss, it was like we were molded for each other, every single detail was perfect.

“Ember, the only thing I want is with you.”