Its Killing Me, Killing You

Well now that you know part of my past. I will get you up to date on everything that has happened.

When I was Seven

Well as I said before, I went to public school, and over the spring my uncle raped me, and I had my first attack. During the middle of the Summer season I had another attack. Black outs, and minor seizures. My second attack was my dad's fault. He threw a glass bottle at my head and it hit me by the left eye and shattered. Right after that he took off and was gone for a week.. My brother John. (He is my half brother, but we were born the same day, but he's two hours older. We have the same dad. His mom did when he was four, and then he came to live with us). was the one who called 911 and saved me. He found me when I was seizing. I was in the hospital for, I believe, two and a half weeks while the doctors ran tests on me to see what caused the seizure. They finally had three tests come up positive for cancer. They said the cancer was unknown to them, and that it was triggered by sharp inclines of pain and stress combined together. Then they started saying things in medical terms and I was more focused on the stripey walls and beeping monitors. Then the day I got to leave the hospital they gave my mom a pamphlet about a camp for cancer children, so they can get to know other kids like them. It was a week long at the end of summer right before school started.
That is where I met Raven. My best friend.

*Flashback*

"Mom, I don't want to go. I am scared. What if they make fun of my eyes?" I am terrified of people ever since my dad threw the glass at me. The blood and seizure made my left eye change color. I used to have two blue eyes, but now I have a blue eye, and a red eye.
"Darling, if they make fun of you, just ignore them. But I am sure you'll find someone to get along with. Just remember, have fun, and don't be afraid to ask for help. I got to get going so I am not late for work. Go find a table and sit by the other kids. The guides should be here soon. Love ya!" Mom was obsessed with her job. Almost as much as dad was with his beer. But he only got like that because of my stupid cancer.
"Bye mom. Love you bunches."

I don't know how she thinks they will like me. I am almost the smallest one here.
-----wanders around by tables-------
I think I see a girl who is my age. She has black hair, and amazing golden eyes. but she is dressed weird. She is in all dark colors and looks sad. i wonder if she just got back from a funeral.
"Hi. I am Bethany, and I am seven. I like your outfit."
"Blah blah. Get lost. Oh, I hate yours." Her voice was like needles to my ears the way she hissed at me.
"Umm. I have cancer too." She doesn't even glance at me.
"Hmmm. Isn't that why we are all here. Cuz we have cancer." More hissing.
"My uncle hurt me, they don't know what kind of cancer I have, and they say that I will be dead before I turn 21." For some reason this got her attention.
"I'm Raven, and I am eight. And I like your shoes. And I'm sorry I was so mean. I don't like making friends because I know I will die before them all, except maybe you. I have an unknown cancer too. i don't know why."
Since then me and Raven had been best friends. And she never once said anything about my eyes.

When I was Eight

When I was eight I had two attacks. Not much was different, but the doctors said there was a chance the attacks will get worse as I get older, and the attacks may affect how tall I get. But I spent a lot of time at Raven's. Our moms became best friends, and Raven and John got along really good. They were pretty good friends at school. But my mom wouldn't let me go to public school because she said the kids wouldn't understand what was wrong with me. So she home schooled me. She wouldn't even let me follow Raven and John around for a day at school.

But half way through the school year my brother got kicked out because he took a knife to school. So my mom home schooled him too.
Then one night after school let out my parents got into a big fight. Me and John spied on them from the hall. It was about money and me. My dad wanted to put me up for adoption because I was ruining the family. But my mom said there was no way she would ever let me go. They argued and after two hours of that he hit her. He said she needed a lesson on letting things go. And that I would be the first thing she let go, and that she couldn't stop him. He was going to kill me and take John far away and live somewhere else. She tried getting up, but he hit her hard enough to knock her across the kitchen. He walked over to her and put a wet dish cloth on her face for her to clean up her mess. I snuck into the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife in the drawer that I could find. I had decided that if he wanted me dead that I could do it myself and save him the time and when he looked at me i screamed something about if I died I would haunt his fat face for the rest of eternity and then I shoved the knife in my stomach. I remember crumbling over in sheer pain and my mom scrambling to help me. And poor John, I saw him run down the hall to our room. He must have called 911 or Raven, and then she called 911.

Then my dad ran over to me and ripped the knife out of me. A new wave of pain shot through me. I heard John running to me with his first aid kit. I told him I was sorry and I loved him, he said he would have done the same and that he loved me too.Then our dad came up behind him and stabbed him in the back, and then slit his throat. I couldn't believe that I had seen my brother die. All I remember after that was sirens, voices and everything going black. That was my second attack ever. And as they predicted, it was worse than the first one.

My mom and the doctors decided it would be best if I saw a therapist. I had never cried over my brother's death, not even when I am alone. I found the next best thing. If I couldn't control when I am in pain, I can control how much I want. I started cutting. I would hide the incisions under my bracelets and such.
Towards the end of the summer I had my other attack. I hit a moving truck with my bike. Even the doctors didn't notice the suspicious marks on my wrists.

When I was Nine

I only had one attack and it was at the start of summer.
I saw the one uncle, who was supposed to be in jail, at Wal-Mart. That's all it took for my attack to start.
Three weeks and I was released from the hospital. My mom sent me to live with Raven for awhile, so she could sort things out with my dad. She was thinking about divorce, he was thinking about murder. While at Raven's I told her about my therapist, and that I cut. She understood, and showed me her scars. She was ashamed at first, but then we started talking about the stories behind each one. And it turned out, we each had one named after my brother's death.
When school started up again, I moved back with my mom. She wasn't getting a divorce.

When I was Ten

I had three attacks. Biking, rolling in a cardboard box down the stairs...my idea, it looked like fun, and my dad threw another bottle and it got me in he back of the head.
My mom started drinking and hired my therapist to home school me at his office. My mom thought that was a great idea.
And once at Raven's house I met her a few of her friends but it was only a brief period of time.

When I was Eleven

I had only two attacks, But one landed me in the hospital for 2 months. I was hiking with Raven's family when a herd of deer stampeded us. I fell and rolled down a steep but short cliff. I broke my right wrist and bruised my ribs pretty bad. And the second attack was when I tripped over/into a line of shopping carts while playing spies with Raven in Shopko.

When I was Twelve

I had five attacks.
Biking.
Saw my Uncle again.
Raven Died.
Beaten by my dad.
Cut too deep.

God. I still miss that child. Raven. My love.

When I was Thirteen

I had two attacks.
Minor Car accident, and then a Christmas tree fell on me during Halloween.
I quit seeing my therapist.
I started becoming more like Raven because that was the only way I could remember her without having attacks. I have had a few issues controlling the pain.

When I was Fourteen...well I am 14 almost 15

Three attacks.
My dad beat me twice and my uncle came for a visit. just the sight of him causes an attack.
But a few positive things has happened.
My dad is going to jail for killing my brother, and almost me.
My mom and I are moving in with Raven's family, and I will be attending Raven's school with all her friend's.