I love the girls who hate to love because they're just like me

I don't know how long I'd been watching the blank screen before I realized nothing was happening. I was half asleep and half awake, my eyes drooping and my mind blank.

"Avery." Brett's soft voice drifted into my ear and I forced my eyes open to look at him. "It's bed time, babe." He smiled and I shut my eyes, feeling his arms wrap around me.

"What time is it?" I mumbled as his strong arms lifted me from the couch. I'm sure my words came out in a slur.

"Past your bed time," he chuckled lightly and he carried me up the stairs. I let my body go limp as I leaned my head into his chest. I bounced up and down slightly with each step he took.

I could tell we had entered his room when the hinges of the door creaked as he pushed it open with his foot. He treaded across the carpet and laid me down on his bed.

"You're sleeping with me tonight, okay?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

"Mmhmm," I mumbled, nodding sleepily as my dreams already began to take form under my heavy lids.

"Do you want me to get you into your pjs, or do you want to sleep like that?" he whispered and I shook my head, not really comprehending what he was asking. I felt the covers pull out from underneath me and I was cold for a few minutes, lying on the fresh sheets. I then felt the bed move as Brett lay down next to me and the covers returned.

He leaned over and moved my hair out of my face delicately. His lips touched my forehead and I smiled, falling into a dream that would probably be forgotten.

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I was lost.

I didn't know what time it was or where I was headed, but I felt like I was lost. It appeared I was in my apartment building, looking for someone or something, but I couldn't find it. The halls were empty and the light was dim, obstructing my vision to the end of the hall. No matter which door I opened or which hallway I went down, I couldn't shake this profound sense of loss.

"Avery!" My eyes shot open and I gasped for air, feeling a sudden release from the trap I'd just been ensnared in. "You okay, babe?" I looked up at Brett and sighed, nodding slowly.
"Bad dream," I breathed and his forehead creased with worry.

"It wasn't about-"

"No," I said quickly, shaking my head. I didn't want to be reminded of my last run-in with Tony. Brett smiled softly and kissed the top of my head, pulling the covers off me.

"Come on, get up. I'll make you some eggs or something." I looked at him for a minute, confused, and he stared at me strangely. "It's seven fifteen; you have work in an hour."

"Oh!" I said, a little louder than expected, and my eyes widened in realization of the charade I would now be faced with. Brett laughed as I hopped out of bed, hurrying over to his dresser and pretending to be in a rush.

He left the room as I grabbed a pair of my black jeans, tossing them over my arm. I held my breath, listening to his footsteps descend the stairs, sighing once he reached the bottom. I was bad at lying and I hoped he wouldn't notice my odd behaviour.

I took my time, grabbing my bra and undies, and walking over to the closet to get my Poison the Well tee. I made my way into the bathroom, making sure to scurry so my footsteps would be heard from the kitchen.

I had a hot shower and came out all primed and proper. I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen, smiling thankfully as neither of the boys appeared to be awake yet.

As much as I loved this place, I kind of wanted to get back to my crummy apartment. There was just something about those guys that I didn't like. Maybe it was the fact that I was now a total feminist but, then again, I could be wrong.

"Hey, girlie," Brett beamed, probably hoping his cheerful mood would lighten my spirits. "I made you some bacon too." He held the pan over the table and dropped some greasy slices of bacon onto my plate. I didn't bother asking if there would be any left over for the guys as he set the last few pieces onto his own plate.

"Thanks Brett, you're the best," I said, but my gratitude was half-hearted. He set the pan back on the stove and sat down, looking up at me suspiciously from under his brow.

"Something wrong?" he asked, trying to sound casual as he pushed my chair out with his foot. I sat down and pulled the chair up to the table, grabbing the fork next to my plate and scooping some eggs into my mouth. I shook my head lazily and took a sip of the juice in front of me. Grapefruit today.

We finished breakfast, just the two of us, and Brett took our plates to the sink. I stood up and stretched my arms over my head being unusually tired from yesterday night. I think it was just stress.

"Do you want me to give you a ride?" Brett asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.
"Ronnie, get the fuck off me!" Grumpy shouts travelled down the stairway and into the kitchen, emanating from upstairs. Suddenly, there was a loud thump and the rest of the shouts were muffled confusion. My eyes left the ceiling, travelling back to Brett as I raised an eyebrow.

"You better go deal with that. I'll walk."

"Pick you up after work?" he bartered and I smiled at his thoughtful nature.

"I'll call you. I have to go to the mall afterwards, so I don't know where I'll be." Lying came surprisingly easy this time. Maybe I was getting better at it? I didn't like that.

"All right," he nodded. I stood up from the table and walked over to the door, slipping on my shoes. Another thump followed another angry shout and I shook my head, grabbing my messenger bag from the floor.

"See yah." I walked out the door quickly as Brett made his way up the stairs. I wasn't overly concerned with their bickering. It had already travelled to the back of my mind as I thought about where I would head first.

I started to plan the day in my mind as I walked to the mall. I'd hit the internet cafe first, print off my resume a bunch of times, and then head to the mall. It sounded like a good plan to me. My day was looking hopeful already.

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"We're not looking for help, sorry," the man said, flicking his long blonde hair behind his shoulder. Like I hadn't heard that a thousand times already.

"Thanks anyway," I muttered, turning around and leaving the salon. I wasn't really that disappointed by this refusal. At least now I wouldn't have to work with a bunch of bimbos and guys who pluck their eyebrows. As if. I was more disappointed that Sunrise and HMV had turned me down. I wanted a job in something I was good at. Music and art were my strong points.

I had delivered my resumes all around the mall, to various clothing, food, art and music stores. I felt like the god damn Easter Bunny, handing out resumes like eggs, hoping someone would stumble upon one and think it was great. No luck so far.

I decided to give up as I passed an awfully tempting looking garbage can. I ripped my stack of resumes in half and tossed them into the trash, pulling out my cell phone for the time.

It was well past 3:30pm, the usual end time of my Starbucks shifts, so I decided to call Brett.
"Uh, hello?" an unfamiliar voice answered.

"Hi," I said hesitantly, thinking maybe I had dialled wrong. "Is Brett there?"

"Depends who's calling," he said and I remembered the one named Ronnie.

"Ronnie?" I questioned and I could just hear the grin in his voice.

"That's me," he said proudly and I rolled my eyes.

"Stop being a douche and put Brett on," I demanded, not in the mood for games, but this seemed to amuse him.

"Hey, Brett, it's your girlfriend," he snickered and there was some shuffling around as the phone was passed.

"Hey, Avery."

"Would you kindly tell him that I'm not your girlfriend," I said and Brett laughed.

"Why? It's so much more fun this way." I laughed lightly and walked towards the front entrance of the mall. "So, you at the mall?" he asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, could you come get me?" Before I had asked I'd already known the answer.

"Sure," he said and I sat down on one of the uncomfortable, metal benches, crossing my legs under me. "I'll be there soon."

"Thanks Brett." The line disconnected and I looked out into the parking lot, full of cars and SUVs. Out of all those people, I began to wonder how many were in some kind of trouble. It gave me some kind of comfort knowing I probably wasn't the only one going through something like this.

Brett arrived soon, saving me from my thoughts, and he drove me back to my place. He pulled up in front of my apartment and the car slowed to a stop.

"You staying home tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah," I nodded and he looked like he wanted to say something else. "Why?"

"Nothing," he lied. I could see it in his face. The corner of his lip always did this little twitch thing when he wasn't telling the truth. He was a worse liar than me. I gave him a nod and got out of the car, thanking him again quickly before I slammed the door.

I made my way inside the building, the guilt setting in again. I hated lying to my best friend, but was it justified if I thought I was protecting him?

As I pushed the number four, the large doors closed, locking me inside the metal box as it rose. I tried not to think as I watched the numbers light up above me. If my mind travelled anywhere beyond basic movements and functions the guilt would take hold of me.

I stepped out of the elevator and walked down the hall to my apartment. I grabbed my keys from my bag and opened the door routinely, stepping inside. I shut the door and tossed my keys onto the small table on my right, kicking off my shoes into the corner.

I decided to skip on dinner as I strode across my apartment, grabbing the hem of my shirt and pulling it up over my head. I tossed it to the floor and moved my hands down to my pants, unbuttoning them as I walked down the hall.

I unzipped my jeans and slid the fabric down my legs as I entered the bathroom. I kicked them into the corner and bent over to put the plug in the bathtub drain. I turned on the taps and watched for a moment as the water flowed from the silver tap into the cream coloured tub. It sounded like a waterfall and I closed my eyes, imagining some far off place, too beautiful to exist.

Minutes later I was shook from my thoughts as the loud, piercing noise of a car alarm sounded. I sighed as I remembered suburbia and stood up straight, making my way out of the bathroom. I walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, searching for something more to help me relax.

I grabbed a wine glass from the top shelf above the fridge and set it on the counter. I opened up the fridge and grabbed out the bottle of merlot I had hiding in the back, pouring myself a glass as the sound of the car alarm stopped abruptly.

I made my way back to the bathroom and turned off the taps as the water had risen to the top. I set my glass of wine on the ledge of the tub and grabbed myself a towel from the shelf above the toilet. I set it next to the tub, stripping off the rest of my undergarments, and climbed in slowly. I grabbed my glass of wine and laid back, letting the warm water relax my muscles.

I swirled my glass around and took a sip of the dark coloured wine, holding it on my tongue. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, letting the chilled drink slide down my throat.
At least now I wasn't thinking about anything. Maybe things would be okay after all.

Tomorrow had to be a better day than today had been. I would find a job, I would pay my rent, and everything would be fine.

Smile, tomorrow will be worse...