I've Learned to Play on the Safe Side

I swirled what was left of my extra-large strawberry icee around the bottom of the plastic cup. The ice was melting and small pieces of ice swam in strawberry-colored water. I put down the cup and sighed. Swimming. That was how I felt. Like I was swimming and swimming, but I would never reach shore. Soon, I would melt just like the little pieces of ice. If I was lucky, I would just melt away, and no one would notice I was gone.

I looked at the time on my iPod. Almost 5:30 PM. Which meant I had been at this cafe for almost two hours. I turned up the volume on my iPod. "Injection" by Rise Against. I focused on the loud music, and for a few seconds, I completely forgot about the pressure at home- about everything I was going through.

"Who am I?" I asked myself. I looked down. My navy blue, too-tight skinny jeans looked back, unwilling to answer the question. At least I knew who I wasn't. Someone who got straight A's and was captain of the softball team. Someone who had sleepovers on Friday nights where her sixteen best friends all gossiped and straightened their hair. Someone whose teachers always called home with compliments about her outstanding work and whose oh-so-perfect boyfriend could handle talking to her dad for more than three minutes or so. Someone who didn't wear skinny jeans and black hoodies. Someone who didn't spend all waking hours blogging online, but instead hung out with her friends at cafes and at movie theaters. The someone my parents wanted me to be.

Add all that to the questions about my own doubts in myself and my beliefs and the taunts about the "emo" kid and whisperers assuring their friends they had seen cuts all up my arm, and maybe you'll understand why I was perfectly happy to be alone at a four-person table in my favorite cafe, where the dim lights made me feel more secluded and where no one I knew ever went. I had decided I had had enough blogging for the century, and forced myself to leave my room, armed with my iPod and $5.86. Looking at the clock, I realized I had lost track of time.

Just then, I heard rather than saw someone sit down next to me. I didn't turn around to look at them. "Perfect. Just perfect," I thought. "Just what I need. Someone to torment me outside of school, too."

Instead of a familiar voice, however, the person next to me said "How much are those icees?"

I pulled out my earphones.

"What?" He repeated his question.

I looked up. A boy my age I had never seen before sat next to me, and another boy, who, I suppose, was his friend, sat across from me. The boy across from me grinned from beneath his brown-streaked-blond hair, which was falling in front of his eyes. He had the hood of a Skeleton Crew hoodie up. The boy next to me had black hair which was falling into his eyes. He was wearing a brown hoodie, but didn't have his hood up. I looked at them both and didn't answer.

"Can you talk? Because I could just go ask someone else, you know."

I raised by eyebrows at the boy next to me. "Why don't you ask someone else? There's plenty of people in here."

"Because nobody else was smart enough to order an extra-large strawberry icee, so I figure my best bet for an accurate answer lies with you."

"Go look at the board."

"Why should I trust the board? These people change it constantly. Like, yesterday, the Special was salmon, and today it's trout. It's like they can't even make up their mind. If I look at the board, it'll say the icee's, like, three times what you paid, and then I won't have an excuse to not pay that much."

I couldn't help it. I smiled.

"OK. So the icee's $7."

"No, it's not."

"How do you know?"

"Because if you had $7 to blow off on an icee, you wouldn't be wearing your younger sister's jeans."

I blushed.

"OK, fine. It was $4.50."

"Finally, an honest answer. You catch on pretty quick. In fact, so quick that I think and me and Alex'll sit right here next to you."

"What happens if I get up and leave?"

"We follow. There's no law icees aren't allowed outside, is there?"

"I guess not."

"So it's settled. If you're attacked by a mob of mutant rhinoceroses, the owness is on us," he said as seriously as if he were at a funeral.

I cracked up, snorting in spite of myself.

"Don't choke on that icee. That's part of the job description, too. Prevent you from killing yourself."

I laughed even harder.

"Seems like you need more looking after than we counted on. Alex, go get two extra-large strawberry icees while I stand ready to issue the heimlich maneuver when ready."

Alex got up and walked towards the counter, barely containing a laugh as he ordered the two icees. Meanwhile, the kid next to me leaned over and took my iPod, turning it on.

"You like Rise Against?"

"Is that a problem?"

"No, that's awesome. I love Rise Against."

"Oh, cool."

"So what else do you listen to?"

"Um... My Chemical Romance, The Used, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus... you know, the usual shit..."

"Typical emo kid, aren't you? At least you aren't one of those pussies who worships Pete Wentz and listens to Boys Like Girls."

"Would that be a problem if I was?"

"Are you?"

"Maybe."

The kid rolled his eyes. "I knew there was a catch. You can't be as cute as you are without there being a catch."

It was my turn to roll my eyes, but I felt a flutter of butterflies erupt inside my chest at his comment, which I unsuccessfully tried to ignore. "You never actually told me your name, you know,"

"Guess it slipped my mind."

"Are you going to?"

"Since it seems so important to you. I'm Jake. You?"

"Ashlee."

"Enchantee, Ashlee."

I punched him on the shoulder and the butterflies returned as my hand met with his shoulder. Just then, Alex returned with the icees.

"So, friends and soulmates, what say you we abandon this hovel and take advantage of the glorious sunshine while it lasts?"

"Emo kids don't like sunshine," Alex informed his friend as he slurped his icee, which was already half gone.

Jake looked at Alex sternly. "I do not approve of your narrow-mindedness. I hope the sun blinds you."

"Then who'll keep you out of trouble if I can't even see you?"

"Ashlee seems to be doing a good enough job so far. Have I gotten into trouble since we walked in here?"

"No," Alex admitted. "And it's been a whole eight minutes," he said, turning on my iPod and looking at the clock. "Which I think is a new record."

"Never underestimate the power of a good distraction," Jake said, winking at me. Then he picked up his icee and stood up. "So, fair lady and noble knight, will you accompany me on this noble quest?"

"Sure." Alex stood up, throwing away his now-empty cup. Jake looked at me.

"Look... I-I really should get going. I told my parents I'd only be gone a couple hours."

"So tell your parents you'll be gone another couple hours. What's the big deal?"

"I dunno... it's just..."

"Here." Alex shoved a cell phone into my hand. "Call them."

I sighed and dialed my home phone number. I was glad, actually. It was the first time I had had the chance to hang out with someone since... well, practically since school started. And these guys were nice. Especially Jake.

My mom picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Mom, it's Ashlee. Look, I met up with some friends in a cafe, and they wanted to hang out, so I'll be home a little later than usual, ok?"

"Oh, honey! That's fine! Do you want me to pick you up anywhere?"

"No, Mom, that's fine, I'll just walk home or something; it's no big deal."

"OK, honey! Have fun!"

My mom makes me sick. All she cared about was the fact that I was finally hanging out with some people my own age for a change. That suddenly I was acting like a "normal" kid. She hadn't offered to do anything for me for over a month. My parents barely talked to me. And now suddenly I was her little angel.

I hung up the phone and handed it back to Alex.

"It's all cool," I said.

"Alrighty, then," Jake said. "So, where do you want to go?"

"The mall," Alex said immediately.

"Crashing the mall," Jake said with a malicious smile. "Sounds like a plan."

They made to walk out the door, but I said "Wait."

"What?" Jake said.

"Why did you... you know... sit down and everything?"

Jake raised his eyebrows. "Is it a crime to be friendly, too?"

"No, it's just..."

Jake sighed. "Look. You looked how I used to look. Depressed, basically. Like you could use a friend. And I know how that feels. So I decided to cheer you up a bit. Okay?"

I raised by eyebrows and didn't answer for a couple seconds, but then smiled. "Okay."

To make a long story short, the next couple hours were probably some of the best couple hours of my life. The three of us took a bus to the biggest mall in the city. Jake and Alex weren't like anybody I had ever met before. They didn't seem to care what anybody else thought. We were by far the loudest, most attention-grabbing people in the mall. And slowly- maybe it was realizing that I was missing out on the fun they were having, maybe it was a decision to come out of my shell a little, or maybe it was just being around them- I found myself spending less time worrying about the countless stares we were earning and more time just cracking up at... well, everything.

The first thing we did was visit the food court, because Alex announced he was hungry. Then, as soon as we arrived, he had to rush off to the bathroom, thanks to his record-breaking-icee-drinking abilities. When he returned over ten minutes later, Jake and I were busy debating the all the possible ways to die inside a men's bathroom.

Then all three of us agreed we were in the mood for Asian food. So we marched off to the only Thai place in the food court. While I was busy deciding what I wanted, Jake and Alex told the clerk in their most serious tones a long story which involved Jake's second cousin's uncle by marriage having died because of Thai food poisoning. Jake then gave the clerk a long lecture on how he hoped this food was safe because his family had a very good lawyer and he had heard of people being put in prison for up to eighteen years for giving a consumer food-poisoned food. While I was busy concentrating intently on suffocating the peals of laughter that had erupted inside me, the clerk looked like he would give anything to be at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Then Jake ordered spicy chicken, and when the clerk brought it, told him he had changed his mind and wanted mild. Then he changed his mind back to spicy and back to mild again. Finally, the clerk said something into the crackle of his headset, and the manager came out and told us we better get the fuck out of there is we knew what was good for us. Laughing, Jake and Alex decided to settle for Subway sandwiches.

Next, we went to Claire's, where Jake and Alex each picked out an assortment of fake feather boas, gigantic fake gold hoops, plastic purses, dangling bracelets, and fedora hats. Then they each stood themselves in front of the two mirrors, positioned perfectly so no one else could see a thing. When they had finished adorning themselves with their various accessories, turned around, and struck poses worthy of a Playboy magazine, I immediately dug my cell phone out of my pocket and took about fifteen pictures of each of them, which they were only too happy to pose for. After much debating, they each decided to splurge on the two fluffiest boas in the store, a light pink one and sparkly light blue one. They both promptly wrapped the boas around their necks, Jake sporting the blue one and Alex the pink, and strutted down the halls, refusing to take them off until we left the mall.

So, basically, the next two hours consisted of the three of us alternately trying on size XXL sweatshirts in Hollister and then asking the saleslady if she thought they made us look fat, stopping random people and asking for their autographs, wondering aloud if Victoria's Secret's line of panties came in mens' sizes, and basically nonstop laughing and picture-taking.

The sun was just beginning to set when Alex announced his mom had said he had had to be home by eight. So we left the mall, Jake and Alex finally taking off their boas and stowing them in their extremely visible Claire's shopping bags, and waited ten minutes at the bus stop across the street until a bus pulled up. Alex batted his eyelashes at us and blew us both butterfly kisses as he got off the bus about fifteen minutes later.

"I better get off, too," I said. "My stop's just, like, three more."

"OK," Jake said.

Three stops later, I got off, and turned to wave good-bye to Jake, who, to my surprise, was right behind me. "I didn't know you lived around here."

"I don't... I-I mean, I do... so I thought maybe I could just walk you home, since, you know, we live close."

I raised my eyebrows. "Mmhmm. Sure. Fine, whatever."

The sun had disappeared halfway behind the horizon when we stepped off the bus. Long shadows were cast along the sidewalk, and the sky was like a finger painting of pinks, purples, and oranges. It was summer, so the night was warm, and there was a breeze so light I could barely feel it. I started walking towards my house and Jake followed.

"You cold?" he asked.

"Yeah, a little," I replied, although I was perfectly fine. Jake put his arm around me. We walked for a little while more.

I felt something warm slowly grasp my hand. I looked at Jake. He was smiling at me, his arm wrapped around my back and holding my right hand in his soft, warm grip. I smiled back and rested my head on his shoulder.

Just then, some idiot biker raced past me, about an inch away from killing me. I jumped backwards, into Jake, tripped, and landed on the sidewalk. Jake let go of me, turned around and starting yelling at the biker, calling him every bad thing I had ever heard of. When he had run out of breath, he turned around to face me, his face red with irritation, and his hair disarrayed so his dark brown eyes were peeking through the strands of black hair. He held out a hand to help me up. I took it, stumbling a little as I got to my feet. Jake's other hand, still clutching the Claire's shopping bag in front of him, accidentally brushed across my crotch as I got up.

Jake looked at me. Half of me was horrified; I had never been touched before, even accidentally. But my bigger half was thrilled, because I had never been touched before. So I just grinned, and looked into Jake's eyes. A warmth erupted inside me like nothing I had felt in months as I found the small flecks of worry and confusion in his eyes Jake was so good at hiding and studied his red face. I reached out a hand to gently push his hair back over his eyes.

"You know," I said softly, "Your eyes match your hoodie." Neither of us noticed the randomness or the irrelevance of the comment.

"I know," Jake whispered, smiling after a deep breath that got most of his irritation under control. "I spent hours in Abercrombie picking out something that would match my eyes."

I giggled. "I read somewhere that you can tell a boy's sensitive if he cares about things like his clothes matching his eyes."

Jake raised his eyebrows. "Do I strike you as sensitive?"

"Not a bit," I giggled. "Why would I hire a sensitive bodyguard?"

"Fair point," Jake said. "You know what I read somewhere? That bodyguards are the best kissers because they spend so much time exercising their lips in the event that one of their charges fall for them."

"Prove it," I whispered.

Jake put an arm around my waist and pulled me close. He kissed me gently. You know how people say you never forget your first kiss? I now knew that was true.

I returned the kiss, wrapping my arms around Jake's waist. He applied more pressure, and I returned it. His other arm wrapped itself around my waist, too, and the Claire's shopping bag dropped between us. Suddenly, Jake's mouth opened. I hesitated, then opened mine, too, both our tongues entering the other's mouth at the same time. Jake pulled me closer and held me tighter. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged as tightly as I could, while still furiously kissing him and exploring his mouth with my tongue, as I felt his tongue do the same to mine.

I don't live on the "bad" side of town, but my neighborhood definitely isn't the suburbs or anything. My family lives in the penthouse of an apartment building- one of the, like, five thousand in our neighborhood. Behind a lot of the apartment buildings are back alleys- places I don't usually go. I don't really see the point, since the only perks are the amazing graffiti on the sides of the abandoned buildings and the emptiness.

A car whizzed by Jake and me and honked its horn, causing Jake to break away from the kiss and look up, while the laughter of drunk twenty-something guys faded away. I guess then we realized there were better places to make out than the middle of the sidewalk in a fairly busy neighborhood. So I took Jake's hand and we started walking again. But instead of leading him to my apartment building, I led him into one of the back alleys.

He looked at me, and I smiled and gave a small nod. He then wrapped his arms around me again, and I wrapped mine around him, and we continued where we had left off.