I've Learned to Play on the Safe Side

We ran until we couldn't run anymore. The alleys in my neighborhood never seem to end. We turned left, and then right, and then left again. We ran in circles. I didn't know where we were. But somehow, while running, the pain lessened. I focused on running as fast as I could- on the pain in my legs, rather than on the pain that dominated the rest of my body, which became a distant throb. I ran so fast a breeze whipped across my bare chest, and I willed the speed to make me feel alive again.

Finally, breathing so hard I couldn't speak, I collapsed into the side of a building. It must have been late, because I could barely see anything. I couldn't see Jake until he stopped running and approached me. Until he was only a foot or so away from me. I concentrated on my ragged breathing, trying to forget the other thoughts that pushed themselves into my mind. I then realized my naked chest. I felt exposed. I clutched my arms around myself, trying desperately to hide every inch of skin I could. And as soon as that first feeling of nakedness, of vulnerability, took hold of me, the rest came flooding in.

Although Jake was the only other person in the alley, I felt like anyone could come up on me at any moment. I tried to shrink into the perfectly flat wall, terrified of being grabbed by a nonexistent stranger. I felt like every inch of skin showing was giving up another part of me, like if I didn't conceal myself totally, I would become like a flat sheet of paper- an open cache of secrets that anyone could stomp on or tear.

Jake was still holding his t-shirt and hoodie in a bundle under his arm. He handed them to me, and I quickly pulled on his Vans shirt and Bad Religion hoodie. They were drenched with sweat and smelled like Jake, which comforted me. They were also too big for me, and I hurriedly wrapped myself in the spare fabric, pulling his hood over my face and trying to bury myself where no one would be able to find me.

Then, the tears spilled again, soaking the hoodie even more than it already was. I felt like my eyes should have been bone-dry by now, like I had shed an entire river within the past hour, but the tears came as freely as if they were the first ones of the night.

Jake took a step towards me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close to his bare chest. As soon as I felt his touch, I pulled quickly away, falling into the wall.

"Ashlee?" Jake asked quietly, reaching out a hand to wipe the tears from underneath the brown fabric of the hoodie. Before his hand brushed my face, however, I turned around and ran away from him, still crying.

When Jake had touched me, all I had been able to see was the face of the boy who had raped me. I saw his leering smiles and his yellow teeth. I felt his touch, felt how he had grabbed me, shoved me, forced me to let him steal my virginity. For less than a second, I had been convinced that once Jake had me, he wouldn't be able to let me go. He would grab me and hurt me even more. Like he had done only ten minutes before.

I cried even more because I knew I had hurt Jake. What he had done hadn't been his fault, although the emotional part of my brain didn't seem to be able to accept that. And I had seen the hurt in his eyes when I had pulled away. However tough Jake was, he was a human being. And I knew that the ordeal with the gang hadn't left him unscarred. And that seeing me pull away maybe made the scars a little deeper.

I forced myself to turn around, wanting to make Jake feel better, although part of me screamed "Let him hurt! He deserves it! Look what he did to you! Are you ready to forgive him for that?" The pain between my legs and the blood in my jeans provided me with another unneeded reminder of what the older boy had forced him to do.

Nevertheless, I walked the few steps back to Jake. He reached out his hand again, but I took a step back. "Please don't touch me," I whispered. Jake hesitated, and I could see the sadness welling up in his eyes, but he nodded.

"Ashlee, we're going to the police station."

"W-Wha.. no! No, we can't! Didn't you hear what they said? They'll kill us, Jake!" My voice was shrill and broke at the end of my sentences.

"Please don't take them seriously," Jake said. "They can't hurt us anymore." Hurt us? the part of me I wanted to crush whispered. They only hurt you, Ashlee. Didn't you see him? He was enjoying it.

Shut up, I whispered back. SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! YOU'RE WRONG!

"B-But..."

"Do you want them to get away?"

"N-No, but... Jake... Jake, please! Don't!" I was in hysterics. Jake was wrong. They would find me. And hurt me. And I wouldn't let them hurt me anymore.

Jake was silent for a few seconds but then nodded. He reached out to put an arm around me, but then remembered what I had said. It seemed to hurt him to not be able to comfort me.

It took us hours to find our way out of the maze of alleyways. The darkness was absolute, which made me feel even more vulnerable, like anything could jump out at me at any time. My cell phone rang several times, but I ignored it. Finally, we emerged at a street a couple blocks from my apartment.

"Jake," I suddenly realized out loud, "I don't want to go home."

Jake nodded. "You can stay at my place. It's about twenty or thirty blocks from here." The buses were out of service for the night.

I kept silent, but Jake seemed to understand that I was accepting his offer.

Walking along the crowded streets, packed with careless people and lit by the neon lights of restaurants and bars, I felt how Jake looked- dirty, naked, and scared. People passing us glanced at Jake, but you get a lot of weirdos in the city, and no one seemed to give us a second thought. Although I was completely covered- even my hands and face were almost completely hidden by Jake's hoodie- I felt like any one of the people passing could see right through my clothing.

When we arrived at Jake's condo, a twelve-or-so-year-old girl opened the door- his sister, I assumed.

"Oh my fucking god, Jake, there you are," she said. "Mom's been flipping out and- what the fuck? Jake? Jake? Are you OK? Who's this? Jake? You look like hell."

A woman who I supposed was his mom had heard the girl talking and came running to the door. She hugged Jake tightly.

"Jacob Ryland Sauter, Jr., I told you to be home before dark. Where in God's name have you been? And what have you been doing; you look like... Jake, are you alright? Who's this? Jake?"

"Mom," Jake said clearly when his mother had released him. "Ashlee's staying overnight. She'll sleep in the guest bedroom."

"But-"

"She's staying, Mom."

It seemed the need to know where Jake had been overpowered any random strangers sleeping in the house. "Oh... oh, fine. But Jake, where have you been?"

"I'll tell you in a second. Can I just show Ashlee where the guest room is?"

"Jordan can show her."

Jake seemed about to protest, but then decided against it. He glanced at me worriedly, as he stepped over the threshold. I murmured "thanks" so quietly I'm sure no one heard it, as Jordan led me past her mother to a room on the first floor.

Jordan stood in the door of the room, as if she expected me to say something. When I didn't, she left, closing the door behind her.

I closed the window and sat on the bed. I felt safer in here. The room was small and I felt like there was no way anyone could get in with the door and window closed. A throb between my legs caused me to strip off my jeans and panties, which I threw on the floor. Blood spilled over the sheets. At the moment, I didn't care. I felt safe, and it didn't matter what Jake's mom thought of blood all over her sheets. I lay down on the bed, and pulled the covers over me, curling myself up into a tight ball.

About fifteen minutes later, someone knocked on the door. "It's me," Jake said quietly. "OK if I come in?"

I nodded, then realized he couldn't see me. "Sure," I croaked.

Jake entered, closing the door quietly. He had changed into a t-shirt. Turning around, he saw my bloody jeans and panties on the floor. "You want a pair of jeans or something?" he offered uncomfortably. I nodded.

He looked again at the blood. "Anything, uh, else?" I couldn't think of anything that would stop the bleeding, so I just shook my head.

Jake returned with a pair of his skinny jeans. He sat on the bed next to me, careful not to touch me. "So did you, uh, tell your mom?" I asked.

While he answered, I struggled to put the jeans on under the covers so I wouldn't expose my bare legs to him.

"Yeah. It's OK, though. She practically fainted, though. She wanted to come in here, but I told her not tonight. She'll be in here first thing tomorrow morning, though, trying to get you to go to a shrink or something."

I could tell he had only told her half the story.

Jake just sat there for a few minutes. I managed to get the jeans on. Finally, he said I probably wanted to be alone, and got up and was about to close the door when I remembered something. "My mom," I croaked. Jake made a very good impression of a grin, although I could see it didn't reach the horror still in his eyes. "Gimme your phone."

"It's in my jeans."

He fished the phone out of my jeans, and walked out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned.

"I got Jordan to call your home and pretend she was your friend and say you decided to sleep over. Apparently, your mom was worried sick and had tried to call you, like, a million times, and wanted to talk to you. But Jordan said you were taking a shower. But you have to call her tomorrow morning."

"Thanks, Jake." For everything, I wanted to say, but the part of me that wanted to hurt Jake as much as possible wouldn't let me. Jake nodded and left.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all that night. I tossed and turned and had waking nightmares about the boys in the alley and the boy who had hurt me so much.

The person in the room above me didn't sleep much either. I could hear his sobs all night and I bit my lip to fight back my own tears, as the part of me that still loved him was flooded with guilt for the part of me that didn't. I wanted to help Jake, but nothing felt right when he never cried or showed weakness in front of me. I wanted to be like Jake. I wanted it to be so no one knew all the fear I kept hidden inside me.