Most Of All.

We all watched as you thrashed around the living room, screaming about the subject we had brought up and how we never left it alone. We hated you when you were like this; we hated the messy movements from the alcohol you had consumed and the slow reactions from the drugs that you allowed to slip down your throat and flow into your veins.

But, most of all, I hated the taste of the alcohol on your tongue and the evident lack of want in your movements. They hated this you, Ronnie, but most of all… I hated this you too.

“You keep fucking threatening me that you’ll kick me out of the band,” you hissed as you looked over each of us, your dark eyes staring into ours a pair at a time. Your hands curled into fists and your eyes narrowed, but your body swayed unreliably, showing that if you threatened to throw a fist at one of us, you’d miss and just end up on your ass. “I’d like to see you try.”

After that, you charged upstairs and into your bedroom, not staying to watch me collapse on the couch or Robert walk over to me and place a gentle hand on my shoulder as he uttered, “You know he doesn’t mean any of that. It’s just the drugs, the alcohol.”

“Yeah,” Monte said as he dropped down beside me and looked me straight into the eyes. “They’re like poison, Max. He just… He’ll quit. We have to keep trying.”

“That’s the thing, though,” I said tiredly, my voice cracking from being near to tears. “He’ll only listen to me, Bryan.”

“Which gives you more reason to try.”

“Go talk to him,” Robert said with a soft smile, his hair, for once, pulled back into a pony tail and his glasses not covering his eyes. “Settle him down a bit, tell him he has to change. It’ll be okay.”

Nodding, I forced myself back onto my feet and slowly made my way upstairs, lifting my hand to knock on your door. I could hear you say, “Go away, Max,” but I didn’t care and pushed the door open anyway, my gaze automatically locking on your still figure. You were sitting on the bed, your long legs pulled to your chest with your head rested on your knees. You looked so broken. Now that I look back on it now, though, you always did after you had a breakdown.

I pressed the door shut behind me before I made my way over to you, slowly sinking down on the mattress beside you. You didn’t look up at me, but you muttered, “I said to go away, if you’re incapable of hearing.”

“Ronnie,” I whispered, and you actually looked up, making my heart skip a beat like it always did. “Honey, come here.”

And you did. You threw yourself at me, your arms linking around my waist as your face nuzzled into my neck. I wrapped my arms around you and held you as you cried and whimpered, your voice weak.

“Y-you guys can’t k-kick me out, M-Maxxy. I n-n-need you.”

“Shhh, Ronnie. Just hush. Breathe, settle down. Then we’ll talk, okay?”

We laid there on your bed, just like that, for what seemed like forever until you whispered, “Do you love me, Max?”

A soft smile found itself on my lips as I moved my hand up and down your back, your breathing now calm except for the occasional hiccup or sniffle from crying so hard. “Of course I do,” I told you, my dark eyes fixated on the ceiling, used to this by now. I was the only one who you’d allow to calm you down when you were upset, but it was normal. That’s what boyfriends do, right? “Why would you think that I don’t?”

“Because I’m stupid. Because I drink too much. Because I get shit-faced and I hurt you and the band.”

I had to stop myself from glaring at you. I lifted your face so that your dark eyes could meet mine, your cheeks tear-stained. “You’re not stupid. You just make stupid choices.”

You were silent as you pressed your lips to mine and pulled me closer, our lips doing some sort of exotic dance before they parted shortly after, the only words falling from your lips being, “Will you love me forever?”

Forever’s a long time, I almost wanted to say, but I knew that it wouldn’t matter. I would love you forever; until the day I died and then on, no matter what happened to you or me. “I’ll love you forever, Ronnie. Forever and fucking ever.”

You smiled for the first time that night, and my heart went into overdrive, pounding against my chest as I smiled back. A smile from you always meant something good.

*

Now I’m standing outside of your penitentiary a year and a half after you’ve been taken in, almost regretting coming here in the first place. The December air chills me to the bone and, though I don’t have a ride for another two hours, I already want to run away, to go back home where I can sleep and dream about you being in my arms again, just like it was before your friend shot that kid, before you were blamed for all of this fucking bullshit. Before you violated parole, before you blamed me. I feel a tear roll down my cheek and brush it away before I make my way inside, informing the guards of who I’m here to see.

I sit at one of the tables in the visiting area, picking at my fingernails after I inspect the empty room.

“M-Max?”

When I hear your voice, it sounds broken. You sound lonely, but that quickly ends when a short, curt laugh falls from your lips: the lips I miss kissing, miss touching, miss feeling all over my body. “What are you doing here, backstabber?”

You sit down in front of me, the shackles around your wrists making a clang when they hit the table. I’m silent as my eyes lock with yours, my lipring being chewed on. I hate this place. I hate this situation. Hell, I almost hate you.

“What the fucking hell are you doing here, Max? Are you here to bust me out with some more bullshit?” I flinch, but don’t say a word, knowing to let you get your anger out before I begin spilling my guts. “It’s been over a year, Max. Over. A. Fucking. Year. You don’t need to be here. You don’t want to be here. I know you. Leave, go back home, go fuck Craig, because that’s what you want to do, you little bastard.”

But I can’t hold back words anymore. I lean forward and stare into those eyes that once belonged to my loving boyfriend. “Craig? Really, Ronnie? That’s the best you can shoot at me? You’re full of bullshit!”

You – no, not you – your evil twin, I’ve decided, stares back at me and smirks the smirk that I once knew to be playful, teasing. “I’m full of bullshit, Maxwell? You’re the one that I thought was my best friend, my love of my life, but ha! Those were lies, weren’t they?”

Your words sting like a slap to the face and it takes all of me to hold back tears. “No, they weren’t,” is all I can manage, but you scoff, rolling your eyes.

“Max, please. A real boyfriend wouldn’t turn me in. A real boyfriend wouldn’t hurt me–”

“A real boyfriend wouldn’t do drugs and down alcohol until he can’t see straight, and then beg his best friends not to kick him out of his own band,” I hiss, and you fall completely silent, not expecting me to be so foul, so hurtful. Here’s the revenge, Ronnie. Here it fucking is. “A real boyfriend would listen,” I say softly now, my pain clear in my words. My eyes are filled with tears and a single one slides down my cheek. “A real boyfriend would know when he took it too far, Ronald.”

You don’t know what to say and your mouth gapes open as you stare at me with disbelief in the dark orbs that I’ve missed so much. “B-baby…”

“Ronnie, don’t. You left me when you wouldn’t stop. It’s too late to fix it. See me when you get out of prison. Maybe I’ll have a little bit more respect for you then.”

You look down as tears begin to roll down your cheeks and I gently lift your chin, making your eyes meet mine. I press a soft, gentle kiss to your lips. “I love you, honey, and I’m hoping you make a good recovery. When you get out, I hope your band is badass and you blow everyone’s mind who’s missed you, but most of all… I hope you’re well enough to come back to me and talk about being mine again.”

All I hear you say is, “I love you too,” before I flash a soft smile that you return.

I leave the prison with high hopes in my heart, and run to the car where Bryan and Robert are waiting. “He’ll be okay,” I inform them as I climb into the back seat. “And I will be too.”

I look back at the building as we drive away, only one thing in mind: A smile from you always means something good.