Trembling With the Strings

I hugged the stuffed zebra close to me, grinning up at Darius. I felt like a little kid as I held his hand with a childish smile on my face as we walked to the car.

“I told you it’d be fun,” he said, smiling down at me and swinging our entwined hands as we walked. With his free hand, he twirled his keys on his finger.

“I had no idea there we so many,” I told him, thinking back to the elephants and lions among other animals. “We never got to go to the zoo. I heard other kids talking about it, but I never imagined there could be so many animals in one place. Marty would have loved it.”

“I would have brought him, but I…” He cut himself off, shaking his head.

“No, tell me,” I begged, leaning against him as we got closer and closer to the car.

“I just, I don’t know. I want to take him and maybe Johnny and Marcus…as a family. I just want us to be a family, and a trip to the zoo seems like something a family would do,” he mumbled sheepishly, opening the car door for me and pulling me into his arms.

I smiled up at him, lingering in his embrace for longer than necessary. He smiled slightly, holding me even tighter and leaning down to kiss me gently. I was the one to pull back, and I buried my face in his shirt.

“Baby, is something wrong?” he whispered, pulling himself out of my grasp and sitting me in the passenger seat. He hopped into the driver’s seat, turning the radio down, so it was only background noise.

“I’ve been thinking,” I told him quietly, listening to the music and forcing myself to continue. “I know that I haven’t been entirely open with you, but that’s not how I want it to be.”

“That’s not how I want it to be either,” he told me, starting the car and reaching over to hold my hand as the car pulled out of the parking lot. “You can tell me everything, Gracie. I won’t betray you in any way, I swear.”

“I know that.” I turned to look out the window. “It’s about my parent—my dead parents.”

“What about them?” he asked. I could feel his gaze even as I watched the passing scenery.

“My dad used to be a really nice guy, until... Dianna and Frank weren’t perfect.”

“What do you mean by that?” He was trying to stay calm, but I could sense the agitation building up.

“She ran off a little while after Johnny was born. My father just wasn’t the same. He became so unsure of himself. He lost his job, though he already hadn’t been making too much money to begin with. Dianna came running back a year later, saying that she missed our family.

“She was a drinker by the time she came back. She made my dad the way he is—was. He used to be so loving, and he and my mother were the best parents a kid could wish for. We never had too much money, but that was okay. We had each other, and that was all we needed. When mom left she took my father’s soul with her. I don’t know what happened to her, but she just wasn’t the same when she came back. She got him into drinking, and then he started getting abusive. It was just screaming at first, but I guess he snapped. To this day, I don’t know why my mom left my dad or why she came back. I think her leaving us is the reason I’m so independent. I realized that you can’t trust anyone to stay by your side forever. I could only trust myself.”

“But now you have me. I could never leave you,” he whispered, sounding so desperate for me to believe him. I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

“I know that, but old habits die hard. I’m trying, I really am. But I had a pretty odd upbringing. I…I really hated you when I first met you,” I told him wryly, making a face. “You just acted so confident, so sure of yourself. And I hated it. I wanted to be that self-assured, but I couldn’t do it. You didn’t seem to care what people thought about you, but I wanted so desperately to make friends. I think I hated that you were everything I wanted to be. You could take care of yourself and a whole village if you wanted to! I’m just a stupid, weak girl.”

“But I’m only here to take care of you. You don’t need to be strong. Let me protect you, please. It’s all I want. I want you to come crying to me when someone’s being an ass to you; I want you to ask me to kick his ass. I want to feel like you need me. I can’t explain it, but that’s how I work. I need it, Gracie. I get that you want to be independent, but I want you to come to me for support, for everything.”

I saw what Dante had been saying. I understood it suddenly, as we pulled into the driveway.

“He’s like an animal, you know? He’s convinced himself that he needs to protect his mate and provide for her. His instincts took over…”

He’s trying to find a balance between not caring and caring way too much.

I glanced over to him, and his face showed that he had been reading my mind. He seemed a little unsure about how I would respond, but I knew how I felt. I reached out and touched his cheek, smiling softly as he habitually leaned to the warmth. I guided him closer, scooting into the middle seat and caressing his lips with my own. It was tender at first, but I could almost feel that Darius wanted something more than gentleness. He turned the mild touches into passion as he roughly crushed his lips to mine, pushing me back and trailing kisses up my neck and along my jaw before attacking my lips again. I kicked myself as a small moan escaped my lips and my heart raced. His breaths were getting raspy. I almost cried out when he jerked himself away.

“I… I can’t, Gracie!” he groaned, throwing his head back as he pushed his hair out of his face furiously. He shoved the car door open, taking in deep breaths.

“Why?” I murmured, hurrying over to him. He looked torn.

“I already told you!”

“It’s still about me being pregnant?” I asked, making a face. “But you said you want me to need you. And I really, really need you right now,” I purred in his ear. His hands fell to my hips, and he pulled me to him, kissing me urgently.

Again, he groaned and pulled back. “I love you, and you’re very sexy, but don’t do this to me! It’s already hard enough for me to control myself. You’ll have our kid, and then we’ll jump into bed the second we get home. But until then, please, be nice!”

“But Darius,’I whined, groaning inwardly. “That’s going to take forever.”

“Don’t remind me!” He grabbed my hand, pulling me towards our house. He headed for the stairs, letting go of my hand. “Babe, I think I’m going to take a nap or something. I’d ask you to join me, but I don’t think I could behave myself right now.” He kissed me quickly before trudging up the steps.

I sighed, glancing around the room. What’s a girl to do?