You Were Supposed to Love Me
Chapter 1
My fingers start typing up the setter upon the screen of the computer, writing the beginning of the message i will upload in our website.
My hands are shacking’ but I’m not sure why, maybe I feel a little guilty of lying to our loyal fans, maybe ‘cause i still feel the pain, or maybe ‘cause I still can’t accept the fact that you left me.
The sorrow don’t disappear, your presence just don’t go away. And every fuckin’ time I think of you, I feel my heart turning’ into a million pieces. I can’t help it, you were my life, you were my hope, you were everything I dream of.
“Hey Guys,
We like to keep all of you in the loop because although you are fans we see you as our friends...”
I can’t help the tears coming to my eyes just after I wrote the first sentence. Isn’t ironic? I’m lying for you, again.
Just like always, just like the first time we felt each others lips. I’m lying for you, for what our love was, I’m lying ‘cause I still love you, and I still have those fucked up hopes that you will comeback to me.
That you will realize that I’m the only one who can make you happy, that I’m the only one who deserves you and your love.
Did you ever love me? Did you ever felt the same things that I felt for you?! Did you ever felt that nothing beside us matter??!!
I’m not sure now, I’m not sure of anything.
I remember every word that you whispered in my ear the last night I felt your skin over mine, you know? The last time I heard your voice screaming my name, begging for more, moaning promises of love. Promises that you fuckin’ broke!!!
You said that you will never leave me! You said that you will kill yourself If I ever left you! You told me that you couldn’t live without me, without my caress, without my love… You were fucking lying…. You were telling me fuckin’ lies…
I trusted you, with all my heart. But you let me down, just like every fucking person in my stupid and miserable life.
But still, I’m here… writing this, explaining why you’re not on tour with us, why you’re not here with me…
I still remember our first time, do you? Of course you remember, I know you’ll never be able to forget that first kiss, that first touch, the first moan, your first orgasm… I gave you your first orgasm, and you have no idea how much I enjoyed it.
My fingers just keep typing….
“…I'm very proud to announce my brother's recent marriage. Watching him grow up into a man and finding love makes me the happiest brother alive.”
Do I feel proud? Do I feel happy for you?
No.
And you can’t ask me to be. You were supposed to love me; you were supposed to be with me, not with that bitch. She only cares about the money, and you know it.
You… you are only worry about what people can think about you, about us, because you can’t stand our sin. You can’t stand the fact that our love is condemn, that our love is not suppose to exist.
“In light of this joyous event, the band has decided to give he and his wife a much needed break from the road to start a life and have a proper honeymoon and do all of the things a newlywed couple should do.”
You didn’t care about that on the past. You didn’t care ‘cause we weren’t famous, nobody knew us. You were only worried about our parents, just like me. What would they think about us, ‘cause you knew dad would beat me up, and mom would locked you up in another room of the house. This wasn’t normal, we both knew… but we accepted it, we knew we weren’t doing the right thing, but our love was so strong, so desirable, intoxicating…
I remember you were always telling me that when we grow up we could move out together, live far away, without worrying about what others could think about us.
Everything starts changing when we formed the band. When we start creating songs, when you met that bitch on a party, when you told me that you couldn’t stand the looks of the guys or what they though… you though they were disgusted, that they couldn’t believe we were together because we were brothers…
That was another fuckin’ lie that you created for me, the guys didn’t care at all. Frank knew what we have since the beginning, he has always been my best friend, and even if he though it was weird, he was happy for me. He was happy ‘cause I found love, even if he was still in love with me…
Ray, he always knew. I never told him, neither did Frank. But he always knew that we loved each other more than bothers should.
Matt didn’t matter that time, and he doesn’t matter now.
Bob… well, he just didn’t care. He was happy to have us as friends.
So you lied, ‘cause that bitch told you. ‘Cause that whore took your heart and stole it from me, and you fuckin’ let her!!!!
“…I know this is upsetting news, as it is for us, but we will continue to tour with a temporary replacement until he has situated himself in his new life.”
How am I supposed to live now? Lying every time we’re on stage, smiling on every picture, pretending I’m just fine.
Well, does that matters anymore?
I just started the big lie by writing this.
I just started the end of our love, and it hurts so fuckin’ much…
“…We thank all of your for your love and support, and know you are all as happy for him as we are.”
You were my first love, you were my only wish, my only hope and my only dream.
All I really wanted was to be happy, for like, one second… But you ruined that.
Be able to look around and not just to see shit… But that’s all what I see since you left my side.
I wanted to enjoy life with you, but you broke my wings and left on the floor, bleeding my pain out…
Love does not exist… at least not for me.
You were supposed to love me forever…
“…See you on the road,
Gerard…”
My hands are shacking’ but I’m not sure why, maybe I feel a little guilty of lying to our loyal fans, maybe ‘cause i still feel the pain, or maybe ‘cause I still can’t accept the fact that you left me.
The sorrow don’t disappear, your presence just don’t go away. And every fuckin’ time I think of you, I feel my heart turning’ into a million pieces. I can’t help it, you were my life, you were my hope, you were everything I dream of.
“Hey Guys,
We like to keep all of you in the loop because although you are fans we see you as our friends...”
I can’t help the tears coming to my eyes just after I wrote the first sentence. Isn’t ironic? I’m lying for you, again.
Just like always, just like the first time we felt each others lips. I’m lying for you, for what our love was, I’m lying ‘cause I still love you, and I still have those fucked up hopes that you will comeback to me.
That you will realize that I’m the only one who can make you happy, that I’m the only one who deserves you and your love.
Did you ever love me? Did you ever felt the same things that I felt for you?! Did you ever felt that nothing beside us matter??!!
I’m not sure now, I’m not sure of anything.
I remember every word that you whispered in my ear the last night I felt your skin over mine, you know? The last time I heard your voice screaming my name, begging for more, moaning promises of love. Promises that you fuckin’ broke!!!
You said that you will never leave me! You said that you will kill yourself If I ever left you! You told me that you couldn’t live without me, without my caress, without my love… You were fucking lying…. You were telling me fuckin’ lies…
I trusted you, with all my heart. But you let me down, just like every fucking person in my stupid and miserable life.
But still, I’m here… writing this, explaining why you’re not on tour with us, why you’re not here with me…
I still remember our first time, do you? Of course you remember, I know you’ll never be able to forget that first kiss, that first touch, the first moan, your first orgasm… I gave you your first orgasm, and you have no idea how much I enjoyed it.
My fingers just keep typing….
“…I'm very proud to announce my brother's recent marriage. Watching him grow up into a man and finding love makes me the happiest brother alive.”
Do I feel proud? Do I feel happy for you?
No.
And you can’t ask me to be. You were supposed to love me; you were supposed to be with me, not with that bitch. She only cares about the money, and you know it.
You… you are only worry about what people can think about you, about us, because you can’t stand our sin. You can’t stand the fact that our love is condemn, that our love is not suppose to exist.
“In light of this joyous event, the band has decided to give he and his wife a much needed break from the road to start a life and have a proper honeymoon and do all of the things a newlywed couple should do.”
You didn’t care about that on the past. You didn’t care ‘cause we weren’t famous, nobody knew us. You were only worried about our parents, just like me. What would they think about us, ‘cause you knew dad would beat me up, and mom would locked you up in another room of the house. This wasn’t normal, we both knew… but we accepted it, we knew we weren’t doing the right thing, but our love was so strong, so desirable, intoxicating…
I remember you were always telling me that when we grow up we could move out together, live far away, without worrying about what others could think about us.
Everything starts changing when we formed the band. When we start creating songs, when you met that bitch on a party, when you told me that you couldn’t stand the looks of the guys or what they though… you though they were disgusted, that they couldn’t believe we were together because we were brothers…
That was another fuckin’ lie that you created for me, the guys didn’t care at all. Frank knew what we have since the beginning, he has always been my best friend, and even if he though it was weird, he was happy for me. He was happy ‘cause I found love, even if he was still in love with me…
Ray, he always knew. I never told him, neither did Frank. But he always knew that we loved each other more than bothers should.
Matt didn’t matter that time, and he doesn’t matter now.
Bob… well, he just didn’t care. He was happy to have us as friends.
So you lied, ‘cause that bitch told you. ‘Cause that whore took your heart and stole it from me, and you fuckin’ let her!!!!
“…I know this is upsetting news, as it is for us, but we will continue to tour with a temporary replacement until he has situated himself in his new life.”
How am I supposed to live now? Lying every time we’re on stage, smiling on every picture, pretending I’m just fine.
Well, does that matters anymore?
I just started the big lie by writing this.
I just started the end of our love, and it hurts so fuckin’ much…
“…We thank all of your for your love and support, and know you are all as happy for him as we are.”
You were my first love, you were my only wish, my only hope and my only dream.
All I really wanted was to be happy, for like, one second… But you ruined that.
Be able to look around and not just to see shit… But that’s all what I see since you left my side.
I wanted to enjoy life with you, but you broke my wings and left on the floor, bleeding my pain out…
Love does not exist… at least not for me.
You were supposed to love me forever…
“…See you on the road,
Gerard…”