Union

August 3rd, 2008

I'm writing in a journal, first time in forever. In fact, until I got home yesterday I hadn't even opened this journal which Frank bought me in the hospital gift shop.

So, here I am AGAIN, just laying in a bed trying to recover, once AGAIN.

Frank is actually worried about me. He thinks I am acting strangely unaffected by what happened the other day.

What can I say? Besides the physical pain, I feel nothing.

Frank has been drunk twice in the last three days. He promised me he's quit, but that's what he's doing instead of sharing his feelings with me. He'll come around though.

I'm not mad, I kind of understand.

On another note, he has been waiting on me hand and foot. I don't feel it is necessary, especially since he is supposed to be doing publicity for the new album. But I guess I don't mind that much...

An amazing thing happened while I was in the hospital. Frank and I decided on a date to take our trip to Germany. August 20th, that is the day we decided upon.

Frankfurt and Berlin are the first European tour dates, and we plan on enjoying ourselves as much as we can while we're there.

Ouch, my body hurts so badly right now. Fuck, the police still haven't caught those assholes. It actually quite surprises me. Their fingerprints would have been everywhere. Plus they were caught on camera jumping the gate.

I can't concentrate on that. Come on Rose, no thoughts...no thoughts...

Whoo, that's better.

Oh what was that? I think Frank is coming back upstairs to check on me. I better hide my journal, before he decides to read it.

Rose stuffed her journal under her comforters and rested her head back in her pillow.

"Hi sweetie," Tre smiled as he came into the master bedroom.

"Hey crazy face," Rose smiled in return.

"How are you feeling?" Tre asked her as he sat down on the bed and brushed his hand lightly up against her bruised face.

"I was okay. I feel better now that you're here..." Rose smiled.

"Ahh...someone's playful!" Tre laughed and he lightly started tickling her.

He didn't do it hard enough to hurt her, but she began to laugh. As she tried to dodge his attacking 'tickling hands' she suddenly had a flashback.

She couldn't get away from his tickling, and felt paranoid and trapped all of a sudden. Tre laughed and leant in to kiss his seemingly happy wife. "I'm going to kiss you!"

"NO!" Rose screamed all of a sudden as she brought her arms up over her face.

"Holy shit! What's wrong!?" Tre asked in a panic.

Rose slowly took her hands down from her face to look at Tre once again. "Oh my God...uhh...I...nothing," she said as she began shaking and breathing heavily.

"Rose...is it him?" Tre questioned.

"Who's him?!" Rose snapped. She knew very well whom Tre was referring too. She didn't want to remember anything about him. All she remembered was a God awful scent he gave off. What was that scent?

Stale cigarette's and cheap wine.

"You know, that guy..." Tre said.

"Oh. Ahh....yeah," Rose answered truthfully.

"I'm sorry Rose. Do you want me to just leave you alone?"

"No! I mean...no. I like you being here with me," Rose smiled.

"Do you feel safer with me here?" Tre asked her.

"Yes, I do actually, you know," Rose replied, "you're my husband."

"You're right, I am your husband I'm supposed to protect you. I think we both saw the job I did of that," Tre said, obviously feeling guilty by what had happen to his wife.

"Frank, don't you dare blame yourself," Rose said in a mother's demanding demenor.

"Why?"

"Because you did the right thing."

"How the fuck was letting another man have his way with you, the right thing?" Tre shouted all of a sudden then jumped up off the bed. "I'm so stupid!" He began to pace as he grabbed his hair in his hands and just about pulled it out.

"Frank, please don't do this to yourself," Rose pleaded as she looked on at her terribly upset husband.

"God...I'm so sorry I let them do that to you," Tre said as he started to cry like he had before, so terribly distraught by the whole incident.

"Frank! Stop it!" Rose demanded again.

"No...I should have risked my life to save you. I'm just...I'm such a fucking failure to you as a husband! I'm a failure as a man, no wonder my wives always divorce me. You'll probably divorce me too," Tre cried.

"You're not a failure! Frank...think what would have happened if you had attacked that disgusting fucking asshole. Think..." Rose said.

"He would have shot me..." Tre said.

"Exactly..." Rose whispered. She patted the bed and motioned for her husband to sit back down.

Tre obliged and looked deep into Rose's eyes. "I love you...but, I don't deserve you."

"Frank no..." Rose said as she shook her head and placed her hand against his cheek. "If they had shot you, you'd probably be dead now. But you held back. Because of that, we now have the freedom to be together until we die," Rose pointed out.

"Rose..." Tre whispered.

"Yes..." Rose said as she took up her husband's hand and placed her palm flat against his.

"I wanted to be a father again..." he said slowly.

Rose sighed slightly as she wiped an escape tear from her own cheek. "Frank..."

"I know what you're going to say," Tre interrupted her. "After being assaulted you probably aren't interested in the idea. And not after the death of our...of our...our...."

"Michael, Frank," Rose said finishing her husband's sentence for him.

"Yes, I guess now you're probably too afraid to make love to me, after being raped," Tre said as he wiped his own tears.

Rose was quite surprised to hear her husband use the term make love instead of something like fuck or bang. "Frank...I felt this way about having kids before the assault."

"Felt what way?" Tre asked.

"I don't want to have children," Rose said slowly and she lowered her eyelids down over her sharp green pupils.

Tre looked up at the ceiling and sighed, he felt very unhappy with her answer. "Are you sure?" he blurted.

"Yeah, I'm sure," Rose said seriously. "I'm positive."

"Fuck, but...what about having a little Rose?" Tre said as he looked down from the ceiling at Rose laying in the bed next to him. She looked so sad, he thought.

"No Frank..." is all Rose said as she shook her head.

Tre sighed again then slightly smiled with irritation. "Was there a year you were planning on sharing this with me?"

Rose grinned and looked away from Tre. "I don't know..." she said.

"You don't know? Jesus Rose, that's a pretty big thing to keep from me, don't you think?" Tre said with hostility but calmness in his voice.

"Frank...please don't do this to me right now. Please!" Rose said.

"Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry."

"You already have two beautiful children. Why doesn't that satisfy you?" Rose questioned.

"Look, I'm sorry I brought the subject up. I'll just drop it now..."

"We've been through so much together. I just can't let the same feelings arise again..." Rose said.

"What feelings?" Tre asked her.

"The feelings that come with recovering a near fatal car crash, having a priceless irreplacible gift from a family member vandalized. Your fiance stabbing your sister. Being raped. your sister vanishing, and losing a child," she said last, as it was the main topic.

"I know the feelings..." Tre said.

"I know...and I can't stand the thought of losing another. I can't lose another, never again..." Rose said as she shook her head.

Tre grabbed her cheeks softly to stop her from shaking her head. He kissed her gently and then pulled away to look into her eyes. "Death is a part of it Rose... Don't give up on life because you fear death will best you," Tre paused for a moment. "Our children...you're not giving them a chance."

Rose nodded as she weeped and looked her husband in his piercing blue eyes. "I can't conquer my fears..." Rose admitted.

"Then, we'll conquer it together," Tre said lovingly as he pulled her into a hug.

"Together..." Rose repeated.

***

August 3rd, 2008

Okay, I really should be writing something useful down like lyrics or something. But fuck, I feel so upset right now.

Nobody knows how shitty I feel right now, not even Adrienne. I guess I do a good job at hiding my emotions. Tre said I'm acting strange, especially after what happened to Rose.

Yeah I'll admit to you, because you is really me, that I feel so fucking terrible for Rose. I mean, poor woman. Hasn't she suffered enough these last years?

So yeah, I never kicked Tre's ass for giving Speed to Rose. But then again, how could I even feel hatred towards the poor man after what he's gone through?

He keeps saying everyone else is acting strange after Rose's rape. But you know what I think? I think it's him...

He still has a smile on his face everytime I see him. Talk about being emotionally fucked.

The only thing I've gone numb over right now is Blue. I am in such denial that my guitar was met with that fate...fuck...

Mike is even upset over it. I've had that guitar for as long as he's known me. It was kind of like its own member of the band.

Well...when I started writing this I said it wasn't useful. But it is, because I can't talk to anyone else about my feelings.

And personally...I think that's the same thing Rose suffers from. It's an anxiety thing...and she has it too. I think that's why she never shares anything. In fact, I KNOW it is. You know?