Union

August 18th, 2008

Wow okay, this journal writing thing is becoming like a routine for me. I guess I kind of missed writing. I use to do it a lot when I was a teenager.

Fuck, I miss being a teenager and writing all the time. Wait, what am I saying? No I don't miss being a teenager. But fuck, I'm so self-absorbed.

I should write about what is really the biggest thing to happen to me in the last two years though.

Yeah, I've been ignoring discussing it with anyone. Frank has urged me to go get councelling, he thinks I'm numb. Hmm...'comfortably numb'. Whoo...I love Pink Floyd.

Okay, writing shit like that is really weird. I should be giving the pages of this book a sob story. Hmm...not happening.

Okay, but back to talking about Frank. I've never seen him act the way he is acting now. Well I have...but for what's just happened to me, it seems abnormal. I mean I guess it technically happened to him as well, he was there.

He just acts like it never happened. I mean, he shows sympathy to me, but doesn't act like it's changed his own life at all. He thinks everyone else is fucked up but himself.

But you know what I think? I think it's him...He still has a smile on his face, each and everyday. Talk about being emotionally fucked.

Well, all though he didn't agree with leaving me home alone today, I told him he had to for the sake of my sanity. He went over to Billie's house. They're rehearsing their songs before we leave for Germany on Wednesday.

I don't know why I'm going to bother explaining this to you, because you is really me, but here goes...

Okay, so in the last nineteen days, he's been drunk too many times for me to count. And that's mostly because some days he's drunk more than once.

But hey, maybe that explains all the smiling he does. It sure fucking explains why are house always reeks of tequila and lemon. I think he seriously needs to get his shit together.

Okay, so the reason he's driving me insane is... Well, he just won't leave me alone! I know he's concerned and everything, but damn...a girl needs her space.

I feel safer when he's around, I'll admit that much. But I don't feel like being afraid forever.

What was that? Sounds like someone's downstairs...frig I'm just paranoid.....

....I want to be able to be alone, and not feel scared. Conquer my fears, you know?

***

"That sounds better," Billie Joe said as he tuned his guitar in his downstairs studio of his house.

Tre ignored Billie and looked up from his drumset towards the phone mounted on the wall. "Fuck, I should call Rose," he said.

"Man, stop worrying about her. She'll be fine," Mike said as he placed his bass down to have a break.

"Yeah no worries, that's where Adrienne went. She thought Rose could use another woman to talk to," Billie Joe said to try and put Tre's mind at ease.

"Oh fuck, really?" Tre asked.

"Yes," Billie replied.

"Okay..."

"Now, stop sluffing off you two. We have to play for the greatest city in the world in three days!" Billie smiled.

"You say that about every city," Mike laughed.

"Yeah well, you know..." Billie grinned.

Tre started playing his drum solo, and was quite surprised when his stick hit the metal rim of his snare. "Whoa..." he said as he stopped.

"Oh my God Tre. Is what just happened what I think just happened?" Mike said with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

"Yeah..." Tre said shamefully.

Billie seemed a little less willing to joke about it. He placed his guitar down and walked over in behind Tre's drumset. "Man, do you need to talk?"

"Nope," is all Tre said and he returned to drumming. When his stick hit the rim of his snare once again he stopped and shouted, "FUCK!"

Billie jumped back slightly. "Tre, you can't play shows like this," Billie said.

"Fuck off! I'm the best fucking drummer in the world!" he said as he jumped up from his stool and threw his sticks across the room.

Billie turned to look at Mike and he sighed. "Tre relax," Mike said.

"I am relaxed..." Tre answered in a low voice. He felt himself shaking, and it was becoming so radical that he wasn't the only one in the room to take notice.

"Why are you shaking?" Mike asked.

"No reason..." Tre answered.

***

"Hello?! Rose are you upstairs?!" Adrienne called from the front foyer of Tre Cool's massive villa.

"Yes! Come on up!" Rose said as she now realized Adrienne had let herself into the house. She stoaed her journal away and waited for her cousin's wife to appear.

Within a matter of moments Adrienne was standing in the upstairs master bedroom, "Hey," Rose said as she looked up from the desk where she had been sitting writing a journal entry.

"Hi, how are you feeling?" Adrienne said as she took a seat on the bed.

Rose turned around on her chair to look at Billie Joe's wife of fourteen years. "I'm doing good actually," Rose smiled as she nodded her head assuringly.

"Oh, that's good. I just thought I should stop over and see how things were going," Adrienne said.

"You mean, keep an eye on me?" Rose asked.

"No...of course not," Adrienne laughed nervously.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Rose said.

"Rose..."

"Yeah?"

"Umm...is there something you want to talk about? I mean, like you can tell me anything. You know that, right?" Adrienne asked.

"Yeah, I know."

"Good, so is there?"

"Yeah," Rose sighed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Adrienne asked.

"Not really."

"Don't you think it'd be a good idea?"

"I'm just trying to forget. If anyone needs a talking to right now, I think it's Frank," Rose said.

"Rose, I think you do too," Adrienne confessed.

"Why?" Rose questioned.

"Because, you're acting...umm...what's the word?"

"Numb, desensitized, like I don't give a fuck..." Rose said, just to name off a few.

"Yeah..." Adrienne said slowly.

"Well I'm sorry, 'Mrs. I'm Adrienne Armstrong and I'm married to a rock star with no problems in my life whatsoever'," Rose said. She knew half of what she had just said was complete bullshit.

Adrienne laughed slightly again, "You're married to a rock star too, don't forget. And maybe you think Billie Joe has zero problems, and he likes to think he does too, but I can see right through him."

"Whatever..." Rose said nastily.

Adrienne sighed, "Rose, how do you think Billie feels after his favourite and most treasured gift from his father was destroyed? And more importantly, how do you think he feels after you were raped?"

"How the fuck should I know!?" Rose shouted. "He's ignored me ever since! So I assume he's angry at me!'

"Exactly!" Adrienne said suddenly. "You're not the only one who is getting ignored by Billie right now sweetie. I can see he's upset, but I don't see any anger."

"Well I'd hate me if I was him," Rose said calming herself.

"That's bullshit..."

"I was a fan before I knew him. Back then, I would have given anything to own that fucking guitar. I would have given my soul. For him, losing that guitar is like losing his father all over again," Rose sighed.

"You really understand him, don't you?" Adrienne said calmly.

"Him and I have always had an understanding. Well, until he met me, it was only me that understood him," Rose said as suddenly she recalled sitting in her room back east. "Everytime I cried...those despair-filled green eyes of his would pierce my soul."

"You had some posters?" Adrienne assumed.

"Yeah..." Rose said as she wiped a fresh tear from her own cheek.

"You know Rose, I think you and Billie should talk to each other," Adrienne suggested.

"Oh God, no," Rose said quickly.

"Why?"

"Because..."

"Because why?" Adrienne questioned again.

"Just because, I can't."

"Why?"

"Because...because, we're almost best friends. But, I'm still secretly afraid of him," Rose hesitated to admit.

"Wow, really?" Adrienne asked.

"Yes, " Rose said as she lowered her head.

"Still? After all this time?" Adrienne questioned more in disbelief.

"It's an anxiety thing. You know?"

***

"Fuck..." Billie sighed under his breath. Just then he grabbed Tre's arm and turned him around. "This tour is officially canceled..."

"You can't cancel it!" Tre snapped all of a sudden.

"Yes I can, because I'm not singing," Billie retorted.

"Fuck! I can still drum!" Tre said as he snapped his arm away from Billie Joe.

"Bill, cancel it?" Mike asked feeling quite shocked by the lead singers decision.

"Yes. And you know why?"

"Pfft...because Tre's too upset to drum?" Mike said.

"Yeah, and also because he's going to fucking rehab. Because whether or not Mr. Tre Cool wants to admit it or not; he has a serious fucking drinking problem!" Billie snapped.

"What?! You think I'm an alchy?!" Tre choked angrily as he turned around quickly.

"You are man! That's why your arms can't stop fucking moving all over the place! You are the best fucking drummer in the world! But not when you're fucking desperate for the drink!" Billie exclaimed.

"Fuck you Bill! I'm leaving! Cancel the fucking tour then! Do what makes you fucking happy! You controlling son of a..."

Tre left Billie's house in a hurry and darted back to his own. Man was he ever angry. He had acted out in anger against Billie, but more than anyone.

He was angry at himself...