Fall Out Boy Is Family

Just about half a minute later, Pete came walking in.

Why did he need to come here now? I mean, I’d love to see him anytime, but he always brought hordes of paparazzi and “fangirls” with him. If it weren’t for that, I’d be, like, overjoyed right now. I mean, it’s my break. Why would I not be?

He waved to me and smiled, but it definitely didn’t reach his eyes.

I frowned a little and waved back.

Fallen sighed. “Should we walk up to him or wait for him to come to us?”

“Walk up. If we wait, he’ll probably be surrounded and we won’t be able to see a single hair on his head.”

“True. Let’s go.”

We sidled over right as the mob of screaming girls came around the corner. Pete was just inside the door.

“Sam, listen.” Pete shot a weird look at Fallen.

“Can you give us a second?” I asked him.

Fallen nodded and started to back up. “A second’s probably all that you have.”

He was right. I turned back to Pete to suddenly find that my ears were being assaulted by the screaming mob of girls.

“You get too much attention for a married guy!” I yelled to him before grabbing Fallen’s wrist and dragging him—my personal coffee addict—back to Aunt Lydia’s and the demented cameraman.

Felice came parading into my room, laden with her bags for a sleepover, as we always had at least once a week.

“Watcha got?” I asked, picking up a plain black bag that looked like it didn’t have her normal sleepover stuff in it. All I pulled out was a toothbrush and some things I’d rather not mention. “Felice!” I exclaimed. “You could have warned me!”

“What? I can’t go against Mother Nature. It’s the time of the month. I have no say in it.”

I sighed. She was hopeless. “Whatever.”

Her eyes narrowed in on my neck. “Ooh! Who gave you the necklace? New guy? What’s he like? I wanna know name, eye color, hair color, hotness rate—one to ten, as always—and height, if you can estimate it.”

I sighed. “Brown eyes, blackish-brown hair, ten in hotness”—Felice squealed—“about five-foot-five, and his name is Pete Wentz!”

“Oh. Well, you could have told me!”

“And you could have told me that you had pads in your bag!”

“I was going to come in, but I think I’ve got better places to go.”

“Fallen!” I cried. “Come save me from Felice! She’s mad!”

“Oh no!” he said in mock horror. “Is she raping you? I’ll save you!” He galumphed into my room. “How dare you!” He pointed a shaking finger at the giggling Felice. “How dare you fucking touch her! You’ll pay for this! By the Great Heron I swear you will!”

“Dude, who on Earth swears by the Great Heron? That’s just weird,” I said, my nose wrinkled.

“Don’t judge my religion! It’s sensitive.” He gave me a weird pouty face.

I frowned and giggled at the same time. “Um, okay. Sorry, Fallen’s religion.”

“Oh, it loves you now, Sam. Beware! Never sin or you will be tickled to death by feathers!”

That sent Felice into another fit of giggles. I frowned at her now.

“And what counts as sins?”

“Hmm…” Fallen contemplated. “Going through a day without drinking coffee—”

“I’d be dead a thousand times over,” I cut in.

“Giving someone I haven’t met a blowjob—”

“I’m not consulting with you if I want to give someone a blowjob!” I yelled.

“What’s going on in there?”

“Nothing, dad!” all three of us yelled. Yes, they called my dad “dad”, too.

Ignoring my last comment, Fallen went on with his list, ticking the sins off with his fingers. “Going out with two people at the same time.”

“I wouldn’t do that anyway.”

“Getting really rich and not giving me any of your money.”

“Dude, we’re coworkers and cousins. Your money’s my money.”

“And having sex—loudly—in a place where other people can hear.”

I sighed. “Was this necessary?” I asked Felice.

She giggled again. “I don’t know, but it sure was entertaining.”

I put my head in my hand. I was doomed. These were my best friends? I’m the lamest thing out there.

Never mind. The Jonas Brothers are.