What Could Have Been

After a year of carrying on, without Matt – without his kisses, without his music, without him; Kate was about to see him for the first time.

She was waiting at the fence. That was all that kept Kate from Matt – a seven foot metal fence.

There he was! He just got off the plane that carried him from Iraq, to New York, to Nebraska, to Wyoming, and now to California. His hair was buzzed – that much she expected. But she didn’t expect him to be so big. He had told her in the letters he had sent any chance he got, that he had done some major working out – but she didn’t think this much!

Kate couldn’t contain herself. She had to jump the fence.

The guards yelled and threatened to shoot, but it didn’t matter. Now nothing could stop her from being in Matt’s arm again. Least of all a scrap of metal thinner than her pinky.

When she hit the cement ground again, she almost fell on her face. But she didn’t. She ran to Matt the moment she caught her balance.

“You’re insane, you know that?” He whispered in her ear when they embraced.

“And I love you. God I love you so much.” She, once again, began to sob in his neck and held onto him for dear life. “Don’t ever leave me again.”

Kate took a moment to look over at the other army-wives. They did not look at her with distaste, or anger, or jealousy. They looked at her with a lonely understanding. Her soul mate had returned. Already, with one glance, she could tell that all fifteen of them knew of the lonely nights she endured when she cried herself to sleep. They knew about the days she spend looking out the window in his computer chair wrapped in his favorite blanket. They knew about the plants that died because she was waiting for her lover to water them. They knew, and they didn’t even know her name.

“I won’t.” He promised. Of course, the promise was empty – he would have to return to the war in three weeks. But for now, he would stay, and they would have a taste of forever.

“You promised,” she sniffled, “that we would have our forever.”

“It’s now, Kate. Our forever is now.” He meant for his words to be reassuring – to make her look up at him with her beautiful brown eyes, so he could see the gorgeous twinkle. To make her stop crying. Instead, it only brought more tears. “Why are you crying, Baby?”

She took a deep, sickly breath before answering. “Because you’re not here.”
And then Kate woke up.

~~~

In reality, Matt never came home. He spent a year-and-a-half without seeing Kate’s face. He promised to be strong – to come back to Kate so they could have their forever.

But this wasn’t Matt, not in this war. Not here, away from the ones who loved him most. Matt wasn’t Shadows, or M-dog, or a lover. He was Matthew Sanders, the soldier. Here he fought. Here, he took the lives of the soldiers on the other side so he could survive. He did it for his country, for honor – for Kate. Every single enemy on this field was a threat to Kate, even the pregnant mother with a bomb in her hand and a little boy at her side.

Matthew was a fighting machine. He wouldn’t stop for anything. He was the pride and joy of his officer, who often made him the icon of their division.

“We should all be more like Matthew. Fight strong! Have no fears – fears make you weak.” St. Berry would often say as the soldiers crawled into their bunks for another shitty night.

Matthew often ignored St. Berry – he was like a broken record. He collapsed onto the forest green bed once Berry left to his own tent. He sighed, exhausted, after the lights had turned off and the soldiers turned on their own personal flashlights.

He knew what they were all doing – they were writing letters. He remembered writing letters to Kate all the time – at least three a day. But slowly they had decreased to one, then once every two days, then once a week, once every two weeks, every month.

It wasn’t Kate’s fault – of course not. She still wrote to him regularly. He got one every few days, sometimes a couple every day. But lately he had been sending less, because of something that had been troubling him – doubts. He had never had them before. It scared him.

What if she no longer used the shampoo he loved so much? What if she didn’t run around in the rain like a crazy woman? Did she even look in his desk just for old sakes?
... Was she kicked someone else to the side of the bed? Was she running her black-painted fingernails through someone else’s hair?

These were the thoughts that scared him even worse than terrorists.

“Hey, Matt, right?” Someone asked from the bunk to his left.

Zachary Baker; Matthew had come to know his name because he was often caught goofing off. “Yes?”

Zack scratched the back of his black hair-covered head. “Hey, I’m Zacky.” He needlessly introduced himself. “Listen… You seem like a pretty tough guy. You’ll make it back home, right? Well, I was just wondering – and you don’t have to or anything, but well… Could you take this letter back to my girl?” Zacky held out an envelope to Matt. “They address is on there and everything. Her name is Gena – she lives at my house in California.” It was a small world. Hesitantly, Matthew took the crisp letter. “Lately… I’ve felt like I’m gonna go soon. And I don’t think that I’ll make it. So I want someone who’s tough to give my last words to Gena.”

Zacky looked up at Matt with hope and pleading in his green eyes, like a sad puppy. How could he refuse? Even though he had been feeling the same for days now… Maybe this was his chance. “Sure. But just in case…” Matthew reached under his cot and grabbed a blue box. In it, he had written a letter to Kate he never sent. Looking over it, and running a thumb over Kate’s address, he handed it gingerly to Zack.

“Just making sure.” Matt cracked a smile as he said this.
Zack smiled too. “Alright, a step to brotherhood.”

Now Matt had a full out smile on his face. He nodded before lying on his back in his bunk. A frown took over his new found grin. He was right to give Zacky the letter. He wasn’t going home. How could he? Kate had moved on (or so he thought), and he was a murderer.

How could he walk his hometown streets? He would be welcomed back like a hero – yes that he was sure of. His mother would have tears in her eyes and repeat: “oh thank God, my baby boy is home!” His father would have a look of pride in his eye as he patted his newly muscular back. His friends would jump on him and try to kiss him. They would all laugh and have good times – except Matt. He would be forever burdened by the memories haunting him. He had done things that would be considered crimes in California. He had shot until he couldn’t anymore, and held strangers’ blood in his hands. No. Matt was definitely not coming home. He could feel it in his bones – karma was going to come and get him. Something would happen, he just knew.

The next soldier Kate would see would be Zacky, with the only thing Matthew had left in the world.

~~~

Kate had just finished washing this week’s dishes when the doorbell rang. At first, she just thought it was a part of her imagination – no one ever came over anymore. She had isolated herself more and more. She was convinced that something had happened to Matt. That was the only logical reason for him not answering her letters. In fact, she had just sent another letter yesterday. She didn’t wake up early enough this morning to put the letter in the mailbox for today, and was going to send two tomorrow.

“One second!” She shouted with her hoarse voice as she got the towel that hung from the oven handle to dry her hands with. It was probably her sister, Anna, who had been desperately trying to get her back into the real world.

When she reached the white, chipping door, she didn’t even bother checking through the peep hole. The neighborhood was pretty good so she wasn’t too worried. She was, though, a little more skeptical of the area when she saw a large, muscular, tattooed man on the apartment doorstep.

“Hey.” He said, and then coughed. He wore black baggy jeans, a Jack Daniels t-shirt, and smelt of strong cigarettes. He had the greenest eyes Kate had ever seen. “Can I, uh, come in?”

Kate gave him a guarded, skeptical look. “I think you have the wrong apartment.” She took a slow step back into the room.

Now he looked embarrassed. “My mistake! I’m sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Zack Baker – I knew Matt Sanders.”

Kate’s heart was dragged down to her liver at the word knew, but she hoped that it didn’t really mean anything. Maybe this “Zack” was just checking up on her by request of Matt because he got off earlier than her lover. “Yeah sure.” She led him into the living room. It was kind of a mess – she hadn’t cleaned in weeks and she wasn’t expecting anyone over. “Please, sit.” She gestured to the red couch.

Zacky sat down and put his hands in his lap, trying not to reach for his pocket where he kept a zippo and a cigarette. “So, uh, it’s a nice place you got here.”

Kate rolled her eyes. “Just cut the shit and tell me it’s a dump. I don’t need sweet talking – I let you in didn’t I?”

Zacky grinned. “Wow, Matt didn’t let any details slip about you.”

“How is he?” She asked desperately, wringing the towel in her hands. “He hadn’t answered my letters.”

A knot was caught in Zacky’s throat. Here came the hard part. He coughed lightly into his fist before fishing out the now-yellowed parchment from his back pocket. “The thing is… Well… Um, Kate… He’s gone.” He finished in a whisper.

The towel dropped to the floor. “Wha—? No…” she shook her head in denial.

He took a sharp intake of breath through his nose to try and keep himself together. “He, uh, went out early one day. Only by an hour. He was armed and everything. It had been quiet for the past few days… He was just supposed to scout around. But… we never found him. He went M.I.A.” Zacky could tell that Kate was just falling apart inside. He hoped that he wouldn’t have to see the glitter tears Matt said so much about. “He did give me this, though. About a month ago.” He got up from the seat across from Kate to give her the folded letter. “He said it was for one Kate Larson.”

It didn’t seem to register to Kate right away. Like this was all just a bad dream. Zack didn’t realize he was crying until a tear hit the letter in his hand. He quickly looked away as fast as he could before Kate saw – but he wasn’t fast enough. They made eye contact for less than a second, and he knew that she had seen the tears in his eyes and he had seen her reddened eyes, glittering in the corners.

Kate looked at the letter, and slowly took it. She cradled it in her hands as if it were a fragile glass baby. On the envelope was her address in careful, deliberate handwriting. Nothing like Matt’s usual chicken scratch. She ran her hands over the entire letter, melting at the fact that Matt also held it in his own hands.

In the end though, Kate never read the letter. She never felt quite right about it. Why didn’t he ever send it in the first place? There were secrets in that letter that may break her heart.

Zacky and Kate did become good friends -- maybe that was Matt’s last gift to her. A good friend with a nice shoulder to cry on, when she couldn’t go on. Kate had been invited to Zack and Gena’s wedding a year after, and had become Godmother to their three children later in life. (She couldn’t help the fact that their first born, Matthew James Baker, was her favorite).

She remained single for the rest of her life, despite conflict between her parents, sister, and friends.

She didn’t need anyone else. She had her memories. She could – and did – live the rest of her life with just those memories. She did begin to wither away, just like the plants that never got watered; which was probably why she died at the early age of forty-nine. “She died of a broken heart”, Zacky always said to his children when they lost their Godmother, and they told their children. “She never let go. And who could? They were soul mates. How can you live without your soul mate?”

But when she was alive, she only needed one thing to hold onto: Her forever with Matt. When she passed on, it was a bittersweet day for Matt. Oh God, how happy he was to know that they could continue with their plans, but how depressed he was to know her days on Earth were cut short because of the misery he caused.

When they met for their forever, Kate had just finished this week’s dishes when the doorbell rang… And they could find out what could have been… What could have been…