Vampires, Pink Volcanoes and... The Jonas Brothers?

This was not happening. This was so not happening. I was not sixty feet above a bubbling pit of sickly pink lava, matching pink bandages wrapped around my otherwise naked body. Any minute now, I’d wake up in my soft, warm bed, to find that this was all just a very, very bad dream.

I squeezed my eyes shut, counted to ten, then opened them again.

I let out a stream of foul curses; I was still poised precariously over the strangest looking volcano I’d ever seen. Not that I’d seen very many of them in my fifteen-year-short life. But I was pretty sure they weren’t meant to be pink. And not just any pink. The kind of candyfloss-pink that is adored by six-year-old girls all over the world.

Yes, you can understand my consternation.

But worse was yet to come. A horde of pink-clad things were bobbing towards me, barely recognisable as human beings.

I squinted at the approaching figures to find some clue as to who they were, which would lead me to discover why in the name of all things holy I was strapped with pink bandages to a branch suspended over a pink volcano.

My eyes widened with shock and disbelief. If I wasn't very much mistaken - and believe me, that didn't happen very often - the man leading the scantily-clad girls was no other than Joe Jonas. As in, Joe Jonas, the JoBros singer.

"This must be a nightmare," I murmured, transfixed by the sight in front of me.

Joe laughed, but it was not the deep, booming sound I expected. Instead, it was a high-pitched cackle, similar to that of a wicked witch.

"This is not a dream. Could you dream something as incredible as me?" he called, smirking arrogantly, stopping at the foot of the volcano.

“Evidently not,” I muttered sarcastically. A little louder, I called, “What do you want with me?”

“You,” he enunciated, or he would if he knew such a word existed, “are our sacrifice.”

His female followers nodded solemnly, looking up at me.

“Sacrifice? For what?” I exclaimed.

The Jonas brother smiled evilly. “That, my lovely, will be revealed very soon.”

I gritted my teeth with frustration. Of all the crappy boy band members in the world to be kidnapped by, I had to be kidnapped by Joe Jonas. Why couldn’t I be kidnapped by a vampire like everyone else? Oh, wait, I did that already. That's how I met Edward, my vampire boyfriend. I sighed. This just couldn’t get any worse.

Note to self: never, ever say that. It can always get worse.

From behind him appeared two other unfortunately familiar faces: that of his brothers, Nick and Kevin.

"Great," I muttered sarcastically. "The whole package."

Suddenly, I screamed with shock as I jolted downwards, rolling out of my bandages. I was being lowered into the volcano! I swore loudly. Unless I thought of something, really, really fast, I would be dissolved in a pit of molten lava that was getting scarily closer with every passing second.

I wriggled in my bandages, trying to get free, but to no avail. I could feel the heat from the volcano singeing by fringe. But then an idea struck me like lightning. I started to swing from side to side, and as I neared the edge of the volcano, I grabbed for a protruding branch. My scrabbling hands failed to get a hold of it and I cursed. Gritting my teeth, I swung harder, and grabbed the branch again. This time, I secured my hands around it and managed to tear myself free.

“Don’t look down,” I ordered myself as I started to climb out. As I reached the top, I ducked my head down; Joe was talking.

“With this sacrifice, we shall be able to take over the world!” he cried. “We will be able to take over the minds of teenage girls everywhere! We will dominate the music industry! There will be no need for good looks, charm or, God forbid, talent! We will make a ridiculous amount of money for doing ridiculously little!”

This was met by excited cheers all round.

“Not so fast,” I called, rising up out of the volcano movie-heroine-style, and jumping onto safe ground.

The horde gasped collectively, staring at me with shock.

“You escaped,” Joe snarled, somewhat stating the obvious.

I smiled evilly at him. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. I can’t let you three morons take over the world. I’d never be able to live with myself if that happened.”

“Girl, you have no idea who you’re dealing with,” he replied smoothly.

“Of course I do,” I retorted. “Three bubble-head guys who can’t make music to save their lives.”

Kevin snarled. “Let me at her. Let me at her!”

Joe restrained his brother, but he looked like he very much wanted to kill me too. “You can kill her. But make sure the volcano gets her first. It’s the only way the sacrifice will work.”

"You're crazy," I muttered. "You're all stark-raving bonkers."

"GET HER!" Joe screamed, his voice extremely high-pitched.

My eyes widened as, with a collective cry, the horde of girls rushed towards me, their staffs poised so they now looked like stakes. I turned and ran, faster than I thought was humanly possible. Damn, I thought. Where was my adorable if slightly creepy boyfriend when I needed him?

As if on cue, Edward Cullen, possibly the most beautiful creature ever made, appeared out of nowhere. I didn't stop to think how he'd got here or how he knew where I'd be. I just ran into his arms and hugged him so tight I would have suffocated him. If he was still breathing, that is.

"Oh Bella," he murmured into my hair. "I'm so glad you're okay."

He called me Bella for some reason, even though it wasn't my name. I think it was a nickname, and I kind of liked it. It was better than my name, plain Jane. I smiled up at him, my current situation forgotten.

But it all came rushing back when the horde of girls skidded around the corner, their stakes raised. Edward pushed me behind him to protect me, and that was when something incredible happened.

They stopped. The horde of rabid teenage girls just stopped and stared at my boyfriend. Their stakes clattered to the ground, as if in surrender.

"Edward," I whispered, similarly transfixed, "you're sparkling."

He turned around to grin at me. "I know. That's the whole point."

The Jonas Brothers appeared out of nowhere.

"Get her!" Joe shrieked, a hint of desperation in his voice. "And the vampire too!"

As one, the girls shook their heads. "We cannot harm the vampire," one of them said firmly. "He is Edward Cullen."

"So?" Joe was incredulous. "He's not even a real vampire! He sparkles, for God's sake!"

The girls snarled ferociously, and the Jonas Brothers jumped back, terrified. "Do not insult Edward. We are Twilighters. He is our leader."

Joe muttered under his breath. "Oh, whatever. If you want a job doing, do it yourself. Kill the girls."

The girls howled with pain and collapsed to the floor, dead. I didn't feel too sad about it. After all, they were about to stake me five minutes ago.

"Now," Joe said menacingly, "prepare to die!"

They lunged towards me but Edward got in the way. With a snarl he tackled them to the ground and started beating them up. I watched, horrified, as he bared Joe's neck, his fangs scarily close.

"This is what you get for kidnapping my girlfriend," he hissed. "No one gets to do that but me."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how The Jonas Brothers became vampires. With their undead looks that were all the rage at the moment, they stormed the American music industry to produce perplexingly popular music that garnered a worldwide audience. In a weird, twisted way, their plan worked.