The Pages All Look Torn and Frayed

“I need a break!” I yelled over the music to Brett. I sighed and took my guitar off, managing to place it gently on the ground. I swear we’ve filmed the same scene over and over again. All I do is stand there and pretend to play and sing as the music is going. I waited until he yelled ‘cut’ before I exited the set. Today has dragged on forever, and I needed out of this place now.

“I think we should call it a day.” Brett said as we met up by the drinks. He reached into the cooler, bringing out two water bottles. I took the freezing bottle and placed it against my forehead, relishing in the feeling. I closed my eyes briefly, still holding that bottle to my head to cool me down. I honestly didn’t feel like I wanted to drink water. I wanted something else.

“Wanna go get a drink?” I asked, finally taking that bottle away from my head, only to put it against my cheek now.
“Yea, but I gotta make sure they get everything cleaned up here first.” He said after a swig of his water. He turned and looked at all of the equipment littering the grounds.
“I need to change into something less sweaty anyways.” I mumbled while poking my shirt. “So, let’s meet out by the car in 15 minutes.” I added. I then turned and headed to change; knowing that what I said wasn’t a suggestion.

I walked in and shut the door behind me. I tore off my damp shirt and tossed it into my bag before pulling out a clean shirt. I got changed and started to reapply my stage makeup. I’ve always been one for over the top makeup, so I don’t like to wash off good stage makeup. I ran a brush through my slightly tangled hair before deciding that I looked good enough. It’s not like I have anyone to impress tonight.

I pushed past the double doors, and out into the night. The stars were covered by purple clouds, so the only light was from the street lamps. I saw Brett’s lean figure leaning against the rent-a-car and I smiled, ready to just go. I knew Holly was going back to the bus, she was exhausted as well. I feel a little disconnected with her. I’ve been feeling like that for the past few weeks now. I don’t know why though.

“Ready?” He asked as I approached him.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I shrugged. He leaned off of the car and slid into the drivers’ side. I got in and prepared myself for the short drive to the bar. I sat back in silence as Brett drove around the city, trying to find a decent bar for us to attend to. We try to steer away from the bars that only old cheap men with their whiskey stay at. But then there are the bars that have rap battles every night. We wouldn’t want to go there. He finally pulled up to one, and I was just eager to get inside.

“Oh, hell no!” Brett whined when we walked in. I started laughing about as hard as I possibly could. My sides even started to burn with the intensity.
“Dance dance, we’re falling apart…” Blared from the speakers. Brett just walked over to the bar and plopped onto a stool with a pout on his face.
“I hate this song.” He muttered under his breath. I tried to control my laughter long enough to order us a drink.

“OH NO! I spilled it!” I giggled while picking up my fallen glass. I frowned at it before waving at the bartender. “Hey, I need one more!” I shouted.
“I think you’ve had enough.” He said while looking at the various glasses surrounding me.
“No, I don’t think so yet. That’s barley anything.” I said back to him. He just raised an eyebrow and looked around for a bit.
“Where’s that guy who was with you?” He asked. I started to look around too, wondering where Brett had run off to. “I don’t know. Maybe bathroom.” I shrugged.
“I think you should get him to take you home.” He suggested.
“He is not my boy friend!” I shouted while slumping in my seat.
“I didn’t say he was. But I think you are too drunk to get yourself home.” He replied. I just crossed my arms and looked the other way. I heard him sigh before walking away to help another customer.

I wasn’t drunk.

My stomach churned and convulsed, but I wanted to stay here. What if Brett came back and didn’t know where I was? I wouldn’t want him to worry. Plus, I bet its nothing. I’m not sick.

My stomach twisted and I felt myself start to gag at the vile slowly making its way up. I pushed myself off of the stool, thankful that the bar was there, so I wouldn’t fall over. I steadied myself and tried to walk in a straight line. My heaving grew worse and started to run to the bathroom or outside. Just somewhere.

I found myself in the back alley, bent over with alcohol spewing from my mouth. Tears fell from my eyes and blended with the vomit on the concrete. My body trembled and I fell against the wall. I leaned my head against the brick while taking in a deep breath. This is the last time I drink. Well, at least for now. I was forced back over in my bending position as my stomach convulsed against. I coughed at the vomit, feeling my throat starting to go raw from the acid.

A pair of arms wrapped around me and held my hair back as I vomited. For a minute I thought it was Gerard. But I instantly knew that he wouldn’t be here.
“Brett?” I mumbled between a cough.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” He questioned while pulling me to a standing position.
“There’ nothing wrong. I’m fine.” I said while breaking from his grip, just to see if I could stand on my own. I wavered before leaning myself against the wall again.
“No your not. Anyone puking all over themselves in an alley isn’t fine.” He argued. I could feel a skull cracking headache creeping its way on, and I just wanted to leave now.
“Just stop worrying about me, Brett. I promise everything is okay.” I slurred. I could still feel a slight buzz ringing in my mind, but most of reality had seeped back in.

“That’s what they all say.” He sighed. I ran my hand over my face, only to see black eyeliner coat my hand. I sighed and tried to stand up normal, despite my trembling form.
“I’m happy, okay Brett?” I said harshly. I don’t want a lecture and I don’t want a fight. I want my bed.

“Okay, Gerard.” He shot back.

My heart froze and my brain stopped working. My body felt like acid was running through my veins, burning my very insides.
“What?” I managed to ask through trembling lips. I said I wasn’t going to be like him, and I’m not. I’m nothing like Gerard was.

“If you say you’re happy, then you wouldn’t be doing this. You wouldn’t have even been here to start with. What happened to the Rachel I knew years ago? What happened to the straight edge girl whose only love was music? I’ll tell you what happened, Gerard happened. Is it really love, Rachel? Is it love when he drives you to drinking?” He yelled.

“It isn’t him, it isn’t his fault! And the girl you knew is dead.” I shot back.
“Yea she is. And its because Gerard murdered her. What happened to that vow you made to yourself years ago?” He questioned. I could feel the blood running to my head, almost making me pass out.
“How do you know about that?” I asked in shock. I didn’t think anyone really knew about that. I thought that was something I kept to myself, afraid that if Gerard found out he would leave me.

“You only think that we last talked seven years ago. You don’t remember that time you called me, bawling over the phone when Gerard was in rehab. You told me everything and I swear that even then, I knew he would drive you to madness. I saw how bad he hurt you, and then you said that you made that vow to yourself. To never hurt someone the way he hurt you.” He replied.

“I’m not hurting anyone.” I mumbled.
“Do you honestly think it doesn’t hurt me to see you like this?” He asked. I closed my eyes briefly, just trying to hide the tears that stung my eyes.
“Please just take me home.” I pleaded, not wanting this conversation to go farther. He won, he knows he has too. Everything he said has been true and I just don’t want to hear about my sins anymore.

“No, I’m going to let you continue to do this.” He replied sternly.
“Please Brett…” I barley said. I started to walk past him, craving to get out of this situation. He grabbed my arms, holding me in place, and forcing me to look at him.
“You’ve turned into him.” He bluntly stated. Those four words made the barrier holding back my emotions break. Tears flooded me and fell down my face rapidly. My heart twisted and turned in my rib cage.
“Let me go Brett.” I struggled.
“No, I’m not letting you become Gerard.” He said while still holding me in place. I started to shake my head back and forth quickly, wanting to shake every sin from me. I could feel my sanity running from me with each breath I took.
“I’m not him, I’m not him…” I continued to mumble. I wanted to convince myself that I wasn’t anything like him. I wasn’t addicted like him.

“What happens when the vodka doesn’t hold you anymore? Soon you’ll be looking for something stronger, just like Gerard did.” He said.
“This is different. I am happy. I’m living my dreams.” I argued.

“How is it different? Gerard claimed to be happy too. He was living his dream as well. Nothing is different, except the out come. You can change your outcome; you can stop now, or go to rehab just like he did. You saw how the band suffered with him gone and rumors going around the media about him. It took years for him to build his reputation again. I know that isn’t what you want.”

“It is different. I wasn’t cheating on him when he went through his drinking!” I blurted out in frustration.