The Pages All Look Torn and Frayed
Take This to My Grave-
I stood directly outside of Gerard’s door, mentally arguing with myself about the situation. My tears have left my standing here with my veins pulsing through my brittle skin. I clenched my fists, staring at the numbers inscribed on his door. 6661. I sighed, confirming to myself that I wasn’t going in there. I didn’t want to see the crippled shell I knew he would be. I didn’t want to know of the cruel, sadistic things Brett did to him. I took a step back, turning around when I felt myself bump into someone.
“You need to go in there.” Bert said while placing a hand on my shoulder. I looked down at our shoes, cursing the tears about the spring from my eyes.
“I cant.” I choked. He let his hand fall from my shoulder as I looked up at him, his piercing glassy eyes staring straight into mine.
“You should. He needs you.” He muttered, trying not to let the doctors walking by interrupt the obvious hard moment we were enduring. I slowly nodded, to weak to fight even farther. I turned again, waiting for Bert to walk in first.
I turned around and looked at him, silently asking him why he wasn’t going first.
“I think you should go alone.” He said, reading my mind. I sighed again, feeling like every ounce of my energy was pouring out of me with every little sigh. I reached out a shaky hand, letting it drape over the steel door knob. I ignored the cold seeping into me as I slowly turned the squeaky knob. I closed my eyes, not wanting to face the man before me. I stepped in, the sound of monitors beeping taking away from the eerie feel.
I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to tell myself to not cry anymore. Using all of my will power I held back a barrier to the tears and sobs wanting to rack my soul. The door shut behind me and I stopped at the foot of his gurney. I pried my eyes open, and they landed directly on his eyes. But his were closed, practically glued shut. I finally let myself take in his feature. His broken body covered by thin hospital sheets. His ivory skin was now a refrigerator white, but black and blue bruises decorated his skin. A tube was shoved down his throat, pumping in oxygen when needed.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
But my vision instantly hazed against my will and hot streams of tears fell down my face. I didn’t care that they hit my shoes and rolled off onto the grimy floor. I felt myself moving towards his side now, totally unaware that I could actually move, let alone walk. I stood next to his fragile form and stared down long and hard. I took in every aspect of his looks. His greasy ebony hair fell in face, so I pushed it back lightly, trying to not hit the bandage plastered to his forehead. I sighed lightly and let my fingers tangle in his locks.
I ran my finger down along his jaw bone, feeling the silky skin under my finger tips. A stray tear fell from my eyelash and landed on his cheek. I moved my thumb and brushed it away, not wanting to pollute his skin with my crying.
“What happened between us, Gee?” I muttered, mostly to myself since he couldn’t hear me.
“I love you Gerard. I’m sorry this happened. I really am. I should have never been out tonight, I should have stayed with you.” I sobbed.
I stopped after that, really wondering if I hadn’t been out tonight, would it have changed all of this. I wouldn’t have been with Gerard though. I know I wouldn’t have. He would be off working on new material alone or what ever he does all the time now. I would have fell asleep in a cold and empty bed.
I sighed and took a step back. “I love you so much Gerard.” I whispered before turning my back on him. I couldn’t stay here. I know it would mess me up farther. I opened the door to an empty hall way. I started down the hall to another section of the hospital. I tried my best to dry my eyes, know that there was no sense in trying to save my make up. That was long gone.
This time I wasnt hesitant about walking into Brett’s room. I pushed the door open and walked in, trying to look like I wasn’t part of the living dead. He was sat on the end of the bed, flexing his bandaged knuckles. I walked up to him, standing in front of him as he looked at the bandage. He looked up at me briefly, flashing me a small smile.
“Why are you smiling?” I asked, a bit harsher than I intended.
“I did you a favor.” He replied.
“A favor!? How was that a favor?” I retorted.
“That pussy hurt you. So I hurt him.” He shrugged.
“Brett, I know that isn’t why you hurt him. I know you hardly care about my feelings, so it was just that you wanted to punch his lights out. Well, I hope your happy, hes almost dead because of your stupidity.” I shot back while crossing my arms.
“I am happy. I hate him. And you know I always have. And this was the perfect opportunity to give him what I’ve always thought he deserved.” He smiled. I felt my blood start to boil, and it took all that I had to not knock Brett out right now.
“I suggest that you pack up your stuff and get off of my bus. I don’t care if we ever finish the video, I just want you out of my sight for the rest of the tour.” I growled before storming out of the room. I stomped my way to the waiting room where I saw the rest of the guys.
“How’s Gerard?” Ray asked from his seat. I sighed and tried to calm my nerves, not wanting to lash out against them.
“He’s fine.” I replied calmly. I opened my eyes and looked over them. “Can someone take me back to the bus?” I muttered. I saw Frank nod and stand up with keys in his hands. He placed a hand on my back, leading me away from the staring eyes. He must have known what I was feeling, and know that I didn’t want to be around people at the moment. He waved himself off to the guys before we stepped outside.
It was already about 4 am when we got back to the buses. I gave him a small smile for driving me home, then hugged him before climbing back onto my bus. I walked into the bunk area, careful to be quiet because I knew Holly was sleeping. I looked across from my bunk at the bunk that Brett had been using. His laptop and bag were situated on the top and I just scowled at his stuff, almost as if he was sitting there. I climbed into my bunk and shut the curtain, blocking the world from my view. I tangled myself beneath the cotton blankets and tried to force myself into unwilling sleep.
“You need to go in there.” Bert said while placing a hand on my shoulder. I looked down at our shoes, cursing the tears about the spring from my eyes.
“I cant.” I choked. He let his hand fall from my shoulder as I looked up at him, his piercing glassy eyes staring straight into mine.
“You should. He needs you.” He muttered, trying not to let the doctors walking by interrupt the obvious hard moment we were enduring. I slowly nodded, to weak to fight even farther. I turned again, waiting for Bert to walk in first.
I turned around and looked at him, silently asking him why he wasn’t going first.
“I think you should go alone.” He said, reading my mind. I sighed again, feeling like every ounce of my energy was pouring out of me with every little sigh. I reached out a shaky hand, letting it drape over the steel door knob. I ignored the cold seeping into me as I slowly turned the squeaky knob. I closed my eyes, not wanting to face the man before me. I stepped in, the sound of monitors beeping taking away from the eerie feel.
I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to tell myself to not cry anymore. Using all of my will power I held back a barrier to the tears and sobs wanting to rack my soul. The door shut behind me and I stopped at the foot of his gurney. I pried my eyes open, and they landed directly on his eyes. But his were closed, practically glued shut. I finally let myself take in his feature. His broken body covered by thin hospital sheets. His ivory skin was now a refrigerator white, but black and blue bruises decorated his skin. A tube was shoved down his throat, pumping in oxygen when needed.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
But my vision instantly hazed against my will and hot streams of tears fell down my face. I didn’t care that they hit my shoes and rolled off onto the grimy floor. I felt myself moving towards his side now, totally unaware that I could actually move, let alone walk. I stood next to his fragile form and stared down long and hard. I took in every aspect of his looks. His greasy ebony hair fell in face, so I pushed it back lightly, trying to not hit the bandage plastered to his forehead. I sighed lightly and let my fingers tangle in his locks.
I ran my finger down along his jaw bone, feeling the silky skin under my finger tips. A stray tear fell from my eyelash and landed on his cheek. I moved my thumb and brushed it away, not wanting to pollute his skin with my crying.
“What happened between us, Gee?” I muttered, mostly to myself since he couldn’t hear me.
“I love you Gerard. I’m sorry this happened. I really am. I should have never been out tonight, I should have stayed with you.” I sobbed.
I stopped after that, really wondering if I hadn’t been out tonight, would it have changed all of this. I wouldn’t have been with Gerard though. I know I wouldn’t have. He would be off working on new material alone or what ever he does all the time now. I would have fell asleep in a cold and empty bed.
I sighed and took a step back. “I love you so much Gerard.” I whispered before turning my back on him. I couldn’t stay here. I know it would mess me up farther. I opened the door to an empty hall way. I started down the hall to another section of the hospital. I tried my best to dry my eyes, know that there was no sense in trying to save my make up. That was long gone.
This time I wasnt hesitant about walking into Brett’s room. I pushed the door open and walked in, trying to look like I wasn’t part of the living dead. He was sat on the end of the bed, flexing his bandaged knuckles. I walked up to him, standing in front of him as he looked at the bandage. He looked up at me briefly, flashing me a small smile.
“Why are you smiling?” I asked, a bit harsher than I intended.
“I did you a favor.” He replied.
“A favor!? How was that a favor?” I retorted.
“That pussy hurt you. So I hurt him.” He shrugged.
“Brett, I know that isn’t why you hurt him. I know you hardly care about my feelings, so it was just that you wanted to punch his lights out. Well, I hope your happy, hes almost dead because of your stupidity.” I shot back while crossing my arms.
“I am happy. I hate him. And you know I always have. And this was the perfect opportunity to give him what I’ve always thought he deserved.” He smiled. I felt my blood start to boil, and it took all that I had to not knock Brett out right now.
“I suggest that you pack up your stuff and get off of my bus. I don’t care if we ever finish the video, I just want you out of my sight for the rest of the tour.” I growled before storming out of the room. I stomped my way to the waiting room where I saw the rest of the guys.
“How’s Gerard?” Ray asked from his seat. I sighed and tried to calm my nerves, not wanting to lash out against them.
“He’s fine.” I replied calmly. I opened my eyes and looked over them. “Can someone take me back to the bus?” I muttered. I saw Frank nod and stand up with keys in his hands. He placed a hand on my back, leading me away from the staring eyes. He must have known what I was feeling, and know that I didn’t want to be around people at the moment. He waved himself off to the guys before we stepped outside.
It was already about 4 am when we got back to the buses. I gave him a small smile for driving me home, then hugged him before climbing back onto my bus. I walked into the bunk area, careful to be quiet because I knew Holly was sleeping. I looked across from my bunk at the bunk that Brett had been using. His laptop and bag were situated on the top and I just scowled at his stuff, almost as if he was sitting there. I climbed into my bunk and shut the curtain, blocking the world from my view. I tangled myself beneath the cotton blankets and tried to force myself into unwilling sleep.