The Pages All Look Torn and Frayed

“I thought you weren’t talking to me anymore?” Brett spat while shoving some of his clothes into his duffle bag. I sighed and stared down at my feet that were covered by a tattered pair of converse. I kicked my legs, making sure not to hit him, as that would cause more conflict. I leaned back in my bunk, and just watched him for a moment, trying to stir up the right words to say. There are so many ways I could just make the matters worse by saying the wrong thing. He turned and looked over his shoulder slightly, trying to see if I was going to reply or just stare at him all day.

I looked up and gave him a weak smile. “How many times have you said you weren’t going to talk to me, but did anyways? You know I can’t stay mad at you, Brett.”
He just raised an eyebrow and stopped his packing.
“But I only said that I would stop talking to you because you talked too much about gore. You never landed my girl friend in the hospital.” He replied.
“You never had a girl friend.” I muttered under my breath. “Besides, your like my best friend, and its hard to play a concert when the band is mad at each other.” I replied, trying to cover up the insult I just added in.
“Care to elaborate the last part?” He questioned, turning around and leaning against his bunk.
“Well, since My Chemical Romance isn’t My Chemical Romance without the singer, they are getting a replacement. And Screaming Crayon Revival are going to take their place.” I smiled. I swear his whole face brightened and a smile as big as the Cheshire cat’s grew over his face.
“What? No way!” He practically yelled. I nodded my head to his excitement.
“Yep, but since we don’t have a lot of songs, LeatherMouth is taking the other half of the set time.”

“I don’t even remember when I last played drums.” He sighed.
“Well, you better go learn, because our first show is in two days. I have the songs somewhere, I’ll find them later and we’ll practice.” I replied happily. He nodded eagerly with a smile plastered to his face.
“Wait, do I get to stay on the bus then?” He asked, raising an eyebrow slightly.
“Of course. Now unpack all of your crap and go find some drum sticks.” I said while taking a leap off my bunk. I waved myself off before starting to casually walk from the cramped room.

“Where are you going?” He called once I got out into the living area of the bus. I stopped, placing my hand on the counter, tapping my fingers gingerly.
“I’m going to go see Gerard. I’ll be back later, don’t worry.” I yelled back.
“Hey, isn’t your anniversary tomorrow night?” He asked, sticking his head out of the bunk area. I felt this warm sensation flooding through my heart and I nodded, of course with the biggest smile ever on my face. I just hope Gerard wakes up by then.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

It’s really amazing how they will never know exactly how I feel at this precise moment in time. This exact moment that I’m standing over my boy friends basically lifeless body, wanting to hold onto him for dear life, praying that his was still here. Honestly, saying that I was holding onto him was a big misconception. I wasn’t holding him, hell, I wasn’t even letting myself touch his face. I felt like he was already dead, and I would be touching a cold dead corpse. I didn’t want the feeling of freezing, rotting flesh dangling on my senses.

I just stared, long and hard. I wanted to sketch every bit of his features into my memory. Just so when I lay my head on my pillow tonight and close my eyes, I will see his perfect face. His exact bone structure and color of his lightly tanned skin. His ebony locks that are now hanging loosely over his face. I never wanted to loose hold of the memory I have with him.

I know that I’m acting like he’s already dead. But, if everyone else saw him the way I do, they would see him lying in a casket. I know they all believe that he’s going to be okay and pull through, because he’s Gerard fucking Way, and he’s a strong person. But of course that glimmer of hope always radiates through me so harshly. I just think that it’s all going to go to hell, again. It’s like nonstop problems for us, it’s always something going wrong to pull us farther down into this endless pit. I may just be pessimistic, but I think it’s the truth.

I love him, although I still hold so much pain and resentment for him as well. The same for Brett, I love the guy, he’s like my best friend. But when I look at the pale lifeless face of Gerard I feel nothing but resentment towards Brett. I know I said I looked past all of this and forgave, which I did. The memory of everything is still always there though. It’s a never ending nightmare of being tormented by things myself and others have done to hurt other people.

I tried to let go of the thoughts of him always leaving me for something. When ever he would run off when he promised me he would be there. He constantly had to work on some new project with some band off where ever. I knew he was hiding something, but I tried to shove it out of my mind. I wanted to pretend we had the picture perfect relationship. I wanted us to be just like Jack and Sally.

I continued to just study his face, waiting for the slightest sign of life from him. Tomorrow was our three year anniversary, and he might now even be conscious for it. This is no where near how I planned it.

I told myself over and over that this was Gerard, the love of my life, the man who makes every day worth living, and that I should be able to touch him. I steadily reached my shaking hand out and grasped onto his, expecting to feel nothing but dead flesh. But instead his hand was warm, just as it always was. I felt my muscles loosen and I squeezed his hand lightly, hoping he could feel my affection for him.

“What if one of the guys is in there? You know you cant just walk in like this.” I heard someone say from outside of the door. I kept my hand on Gerard’s and just listened as the voices carried on.
“They aren’t, they are all on the bus right now. I checked before I left, do you honestly think I’m that stupid?” Another voice rang out.
“What if Rachel is in there?” The voice whispered out harshly. My eyes snapped to the door, wishing I could see who wanted to plague this room with their presence.
“Yeah right, she’s probably out with that Brett guy.” Someone laughed. “Just look out for me, okay? Knock if you see someone we know coming.” They added before the door knob started to turn. I waited cautiously, my breathing quickening as to see the person who came here.

As soon as the door clicked shut the girl spun around quickly, her black pig-tails flipping over his shoulder.

And I stood face to face with Lyn-z.

Her face dropped and her mouth gaped open slightly, obviously surprised to see me here. I watched as her shocked expression faded and a smirk replaced all evidence of fear. She slowly walked closer, her combat boots clicking on the linoleum floor with each step. Her smile widened.
“Hi, Rachel.” She said happily. I just raised an eyebrow at her remark.
“Hi, what are you doing here?” I asked suspiciously, standing next to Gerard as he peacefully rests beside me.
“I cant come visit my ex husband in the hospital?” She asked, walking over to the abandoned chair opposite of the bed. She sat down, crossing her legs in the process.
“I just didn’t think you would be here.” I mumbled.
“I didn’t think you would either.” She retorted, causing my eyes to involuntarily look up at her, wanting to read everything written in her eyes. But all I saw was a cloud of envy and jealousy filling her. Maybe I’m mistaken, but why would she even care about Gerard, She’s the one who ended their marriage anyway.

“What are you talking about? I love him, of course I would be here.” I argued back, sticking up for me and him both and the relationship we hold together. I squeezed his hand lightly, wishing I could feel him squeeze back like he used to when we were in situations like this.

“Well, I mean, if he did to me, what he did to you, I would have been gone long ago.” She replied, almost with a laugh involved. I tried to stand my ground, but I could feel myself sinking into the tile floors, wishing to hide beneath the cracks. I couldn’t get rid of her menacing stare and the way she would look at Gerard every now and then. I didn’t want to know anything, I wanted to pretend that I’m totally oblivious to this whole thing. Maybe then it would have gone away and we could be perfect for one last night.

A lump started to grow in my throat, making my breathing rugged and short. I opened my mouth slightly, wanting to retaliate to her comment, but nothing would come out. Not even a simple whimper. A look of fake concern spread over her face when she noticed the panicked state she had put me in.
“You don’t know, do you? I thought Frank would have at least told you by now.” She laughed. I cringed when her laugh echoed through the small room. She needed to leave now before I broke down into a heap of wasted flesh. No one needed to see me break down, no one needed to know that I was capable of breaking. She stood up and brushed off the back of her skirt before turning for the door. I just watched as she waved her goodbyes, then walked straight out the door.

I waited until the mahogany door clicked shut to let go of Gerard’s hand. I didn’t know what to think anymore. I knew I needed to go talk to Frank, but I didn’t want to leave Gerard. But this is the same man who brought me so much joy, and now may have possibly crushed everything I’ve tried to make perfect. His body distorted as tears rapidly filled my eye socket, blurring my vision. I took a step away from him, almost tripping over myself in the process. I planned to stay the night here, but now I just wanted to get the much needed answers I craved for.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

“Frank! Frank, open this door!” I shouted from outside of his bus. I banged on the door with my fists curled up so tight my knuckles were white. The door suddenly swung open, almost making me punch him in the face. I was so on the brink of tears that I could hardly comprehend what was all going on. Everything was in a daze and I just stood there, wanting to scream and cry but hold onto my composure at the same time. He looked me in the eyes and came fully outside, shutting the door behind him. “Whats wrong?” He asked compassionately. This is the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want his sympathy right now. I wanted the truth.

“Frank, I know you’re hiding something from me.” I mumbled under my breath, watching the fog rise from my lips from the cold air.
“No, I’m not hiding anything.” He replied, leaning against the side of the bus.
“Yes you are Frank. I know you are.” I retorted.
“No, Rachel, I’m not. You’re my friend, and you should know that I’m always totally honest with you.” He replied in a matter-of-fact tone. I felt like taking my fist and smashing it into his face. Frustration and adrenaline were pumping through me so strongly that I just wanted him to blurt everything out right now. I didn’t care how damaged it would make me, I just needed to know.
“You are hiding something. And its about Gerard.” I said in a small whimper. His face dropped slightly, basically giving it all away. He couldn’t escape now, I had him right here, and I knew he was hiding it.

“Why would you think something like that?” He asked, mocking a shocked tone.
“Because Lyn-z told me.” I mumbled back. His face fell even farther, and I was sure his chin would hit the ground. He sighed deeply and ran his hand over his tired face.
“Yea, okay, there is something that I should have told you.” He replied quietly, accepting defeat against me. I wrapped my arms around myself to hold in the depleting warmth I was currently loosing. I wanted to prepare myself for whatever blow may hit me.

“I know I should have told you about this a long time ago, we all should have. But Gerard is my best friend and I didn’t want to loose his trust. But you are my friend too, and this is something none of us should have kept from you. I should have stopped Gerard, and he should have known that this would happen. I didn’t see why he was doing it, I just knew that he told me to keep my mouth shut, so I did. But now here you are, and I have to be the one to tell you about it. When it should be Gerard, and well…” I cut him off there, knowing that he was just rambling because he’s nervous as fuck. He rubbed the back of his neck, like he always did when he was nervous.

“Frank, just tell me.” I muttered.
“But there isn’t a good way for me to say this.” He replied solemnly.
“It cant be that bad.” I whimpered, wanting him to lie and tell me that him and Lyn-z both were just joking about this. But I was in too deep for this to be fake.
“Yea, it can.” He mumbled back. I closed my eyes briefly, and took a deep breath, letting the cold winter air sting my throat harshly. I felt like I was preparing myself for a punch in the stomach, but all of this was bound to happen.
“Just tell me.” I sighed.

“He has been cheating on you.” He replied, just below a whisper.