The Pages All Look Torn and Frayed

I gripped onto my sides harder, digging my nails into my flesh as much as I could to try and feel something other than the shattering of my heart. I should have known. The signs were everywhere and so evident. I was just too stupid to actually see them written everywhere before me. I kept my eyes shut, pushing my eyelids together harder to get rid of the tears about to leak past my eyes. My body convulsed and trembled against the frigid air.

“I’m sorry I never told you.” Frank muttered quietly, pulling me from my own world. I pried my soaked eyes open and looked at Frank, who was leaning against the bus looking down at the cold asphalt.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked back, surprised my vocal cords were cooperating with me. I hugged myself a bit tighter while pain surged through my chest. He looked at me for a moment, taking in the sight of my broken trembling form. I just stared back, afraid to let myself break down. Tears were involuntarily leaking from my eyes, but I still wasn’t crying as bad as I should be.

I’ve said it before and I’ll I say it again. I don’t need to show them that I can break. I’ve held my composure for so many situations; I can’t let Frank see me like this now. But in all those other situations, I’ve known that I could turn to Gerard. But now I cant surly turn to the man who broke me. I don’t want to be a sniveling mess, but this pain is worse than any physical abuse. My heart feels tattered and shredded until its just a bloody pulp. My brain is pounding against my skull, begging for restoration. My body is shaking and convulsing just from the pure horror of it all. Realization still feels so far away, even though I understood every word that Frank said to me. I’m a withered soul rotting away inside of a broken shell.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” He replied sympathetically. I let out a small sob, trying to keep it hidden behind my blue tinted lips.
“You don’t think I’m hurt now?” I managed to let slip past my lips.
“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. I just shook my head, looking at the ground, only to see gravel and dirt. I shifted my gaze, and let myself look around the abandoned parking lot. Buses lined the parking lot, filling it up with cold dented metal. This tour doesn’t seem worth it.

The fame and recognition don’t seem to be worth any of it anymore. If we were normal people this wouldn’t have happened. If we lived in a small house back in Jersey and had normal jobs, this wouldn’t have happened. We wouldn’t have seen Lyn-z again. He wouldn’t have made all these false promises to me. Brett would have been off somewhere else living out his life. And I would be happy.

I cant blame Frank for this. He was just trying to protect my feelings. As much as I felt like it was all his fault, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. Just looking in his eyes, I could see the guilt and sadness they held. I wanted this all to be just some practical joke. But this was real life.

And things aren’t just rainbows and candy canes.

Frank slowly opened his arms and pulled me into an embrace. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, finally letting myself break down in his arms. I soaked his neck and shirt beyond belief. I reached around his waist and gripped onto his shirt with all I had, afraid he would let me go. I just openly sobbed on him until only dry hiccups replaced my bitter weeping.
“What ever you do, please, just don’t leave Gerard.” Frank whispered into my hair. I loosened my grip on his shirt, and pulled myself away from his hug just slightly. I stared up at him, not caring that I looked like hell right now. He probably didn’t care as well.
“Why?” I whimpered.
“Because he loves you.” Frank replied back. I just stared up at him with confusion etched all over me. He can’t still love me. He doesn’t love me, he was with Lyn-z, of course he doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe he did love me once. But maybe he never got over Lyn-z, so when she wanted him back, he went back.
“No he doesn’t.” I replied, shaking my head in disbelief.
“Yes he does Rachel.” Frank said in a stern voice. He couldn’t convince me of this, never.

“Then why was he with Lyn-z?” I asked bluntly. I wanted answers, of course. I wish I could hear Gerard tell them to me openly. But I knew I couldn’t stay with him. He would probably do this to me again, and I already feel like part of the walking dead. I don’t need this much pain. I can find someone who will love me and never hurt me. But I thought Gerard was that boy. I thought I found my true love.

Fairy tales are lies.

“Because she was threatening to tell the press about something.” He replied.
“Is it that bad that he would end our relationship for it?” I asked, pulling out of his grasp.
“Lyn-z found out about that time Gerard got drunk and slept with Quinn. She was going to tell the press everything. He would have gotten bashed for going back to drinking and being gay.” He said.
“So he slept with her to keep her quiet?” I asked, sighing with frustration.
“No, he only paid her to keep quiet then. But after she found something else out, she wanted him.” He leaned against the bus again. “He took an HIV test after that incident with Quinn.”

“So? Its no big deal to get tested. Everyone should.” I muttered back.
“Yea, I know. But Gerard thinks it’s a big deal. He thought that if everyone knew he got the test, that they would look down on you, since you’re his girl.”
“Let them think wrong of me. I don’t care.” I yelled out. “And so that’s how he loves me? He sleeps with someone to keep a secret that could ruin me?”

“No. Why do you think Gerard hasn’t been spending a lot of time with you? Why do you think he’s been avoiding situations where things could get intimate?” He asked, watching me as I kicked some gravel around.
“Because he’s satisfied with her.” I grimaced.
“No, because he’s trying to give her HIV as revenge.” Frank shot back. I looked up at him, my body frozen under all of the amount of information just loaded up in me.
“That’s what you call love?” I asked bluntly.
“I don’t know.” Frank sighed. “All I know is that, that’s what Gerard told me. He wants Lyn-z to pay for what she did to his relationship with you. He knows he messed up, Rachel.”
“Wait, so that means he…” I stuttered, wishing I could for the right words to say.
“Yea, he is HIV positive.” Frank clarified.