The Pages All Look Torn and Frayed

I took a long, grave look at the long stemmed red rose I held between my fingers gently. Each petal was delicately placed in the perfect place, while each held the same blood red color as the next. No thorns decorated the stem, just the feeling of the silky plant under my fingertips. I ran my finger along the petals, taking in the soft feeling gracing my skin.

Gerard used to give me a rose for every occasion. He would tell me time and time again that the rose was perfect, just like us. I always believed him, holding the flower and his words so close to my heart. I would always smile and tell him I loved him, and then stare longingly at the flower, letting his words replay in my head over and over. I thought we were everlastingly perfect just like this rose that I hold with me now. But of course those roses would always wither away and die, just like we did now. Perfection is a lie made up to make us all feel important, but eventually all of it just withers until we are nothing but a crippled soul.

This specific rose that I hold in my hand, is to represent our last moments together. Although they will be short, as he is still not awake, it still symbolizes that I care for him. He could have literally stabbed me in the chest, and I would still look him in the eyes and tell him I love him. Just because I know of his sins, doesn’t mean that I stopped loving him that easily. I don’t think I ever will stop loving Gerard. My heart definatly won’t let me forget about him so easily. I don’t want this task to be harder than it has to be. I need to get this over with and leave before someone or something changes my mind.

I took a deep breath, letting myself slowly exhale back out as I gripped onto the cold door knob. I tried to ignore the shiver sent down my spine from the sudden temperature change. I solemnly turned the knob, making way for the sound of sterile hospital machines. I let the door snap shut behind me as I carefully made my way to the bedside table. I made sure to never let my eyes wander to his lifeless form. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, drowning out the sound of beeping. I placed the rose on the table, along side of it a note, explaining my reasons for doing what I’m doing now. I turned on my heel, ready to leave and walk out of Gerard’s life forever.

This is the worst anniversary I’ve ever had.

My heels clicked lightly against the linoleum floor as I steadily made my way to the door.
“Goodbye Gerard.” I mumbled lightly, mostly to myself since he probably couldn’t hear me. I reached to grab onto the door knob again, but a small voice stopped my moves quickly. “Rachel?” The quiet voice questioned. I closed my eyes, praying it was just my imagination. “Yes?” I replied almost as quietly as he did.

“Happy Anniversary.” He said, his voice cracking just slightly. I felt a lump instantly take place in the cavern of my throat as hot tears leaped into my eyes. I kept my back facing him, afraid of actually facing my fears. I was just supposed to leave the rose here, and he could find out the rest from the band, not from me. I didn’t want this to be so hard. I wanted to just leave every memory that would plague me for the rest of my days. He knows he can win me over again.

I knew he was smiling as big as daylight because of his happiness of us sharing this wonderful day.
“What’s wrong sugah?” He asked, and I could feel his warm smile fading across his chapped lips. I braced myself and turned suddenly, his autumn orbs staring directly at me. My chest tightened even further, and I felt like I would cave into the depths of the earth. I wished the floors would open and swallow me whole. I feel like I may be the scum of the earth for doing this to him, but I have remember why I’m doing this. This isn’t some vain attempt to hurt him, its to protect myself from further damage that may come.

“I’m leaving.” I muttered, trying to hide a sob that begged to escape my mouth. I watched as his face dropped while he struggled to sit up farther in his bed.
“I know this isn’t the way you planned on spending our anniversary, but I just thought that we could…” I cut him off there; not wanting to hear his pleads and begs that would surly make me crack.
“No, I’m leaving the tour, I’m leaving the state, and I’m….leaving you.” I replied, stuttering out the last part. Feeling my body slowly shut down as the words rolled off my tongue and echo through the cramped room. I looked away from him, knowing that he was in pure and utter shock.

“What? Why?” He whimpered quietly.
“I know what you did, Gerard.” I muttered back, feeling tears sting my cheeks as the poured down and onto the cold floor. I glanced up at him; he was looking at the ceiling, obviously trying to mask his own tears.
“But don’t you know why I did it?” He asked, slowly regaining full strength of his voice.
“Yes, but that doesn’t make it right.” I replied solemnly.
“But I did it for you.” He fought back.

“Gerard, you slept with your ex wife to apparently protect me from the media thinking I have HIV. I don’t care what the media thinks Gerard! I thought you loved me.” I said through a sob.

“I do love you! That’s why I couldn’t have let your name be ruined like that. Don’t you see that, Rachel? I care about you, I love you so much. Lyn-z doesn’t mean shit to me, and you know that. You saw what she did to me before, and you saved me, you saved me from all the drugs and alcohol Lyn-z got me into. I know it sounds like what I did was all in vain and stupid now, but at the time it seemed right. I know I don’t deserve you, but please, please, just forgive me. Don’t leave me.” He said as a few tears dripped down his face.

“I know you were trying to protect me. But just knowing what you were doing with her all those times you promised you would be here for me, just eats me up inside. What happens when something else big happens? Some other girl is going to ask you to sleep with her so she won’t tell. It’s blackmail and its ridiculous. If you are willingly going to give into her so easily, then you would do the same with someone else. I can’t worry about this all of the time Gerard. This isn’t even something I should have to worry about. This is stupid and I’m sorry. I love you, and I always will. I just cant be with you.”

I turned around, wanting to just end it like this, to leave and never come back. I’ll go back to Jersey, or something. The Famous Living Dead! Will find new shows to have and we could open up for some other bands. But I just want as far away from here as I can be.

As I almost reached the door, I heard some heavy breathing and rushed movements. I turned and saw Gerard struggling to get out of his bed. He stood up on shaky legs, while holding his weight up on the IV machine.
“Gerard, you need to rest. Lay back down.” I mumbled softly.
“No, I’m not letting you leave me.” He sobbed. I haven’t seen him so weak in years. He was showing me for one of the first times that he was capable of breaking down into a sniveling fool.
“I have to.” I replied gravely.
“No, no you don’t Rachel. We can get through this, we can. I promise nothing like this will ever happen again. Other people get through tough issues, and we can too. Please.” He begged, trying to wobble his way closer to me.

“But it’s all just empty promises Gerard.” I whimpered, cringing slightly as he got ever closer to me.
“No, its not. Please, I know I did badly in the past, but it’s all going to change. I can’t loose you.” He cried pitifully.
“I’m sorry.” I apologized pathetically.

“One more chance, please.” He begged, reaching for my hand, but I pulled away, leaving him with just a sob. He was hardly an inch away from me, and I could feel his hot breath tickling my neck just slightly. His eyes had gone red from the crying, and his chest was rising and falling in time to his heavy breaths. I felt my heart cave in on itself, and I knew there was no turning back. As much as I wished for there to be an ‘us’, we weren’t meant to be together anymore.

I know that I would do anything for a smile, and hold him until our time was done. But I can’t bring myself to move past all of this. I need time alone now; I need restoration from another source. I can’t be here and look at him all day, and think about his sins. He will probably only bring me sadness anyway. I have to look past the heart broken look on his face and the feelings left in my empty chest, and just leave it all behind.

“I love you Gerard. And maybe, just maybe, one day we will be back together. But right now isn’t the time for us. I’m sorry.” I said sadly. Taking one final look at him, etching his face into my memory, I turned for the last time and walking out that door.

As soon as the door shut I felt myself convulse to the sound I heard from the other side of the door. I could hear his vicious sobbing and weeping over something we both held so dear. I wiped at the sorrow falling from my eyes heavily. I stumbled my way down the hall, his cries and sobs still echoing through my mind. I ignored the weird stares I got as I walked through the hospital.

I looked into other’s rooms as I passed, noticing the lovers holding each other and comforting each other. They were happy. I kept walking towards the automatic doors and stood in the cold brisk air. I shivered against the wind and just walked towards my empty car.

I slid inside, slamming the door shut. I shoved my key into the ignition and started off down the road, away from everything I once held so close.

I feel my memories fade with time, but I’m too young to worry.

It’s empty and cold without you here, too many people to ach over. I don’t want to die alone without you here, please tell me what we had was real.

I don’t want just false memories; I need to know that everything was true. That those times when we just held each other and whispered love inspired truths to one another, that it was all real. All I can feel is the sting from the lies and sin that was poured over us like kerosene.

I can move on with you around. I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you until our time is done. We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you.

I looked in my rear view mirror as the hospital was slowly fading out of view. This is it, I’m leaving everything behind and starting a new life for myself.

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost. It’s empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over. Trails in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here. Please tell me what we have is real.

My hands shook against the steering wheel as I tried to fight back the tears that flowed freely down my cheeks. The road was hazy and I felt like my destination would take forever. All I could think about was Gerard, and the way I hurt him so bad. I felt guilty, like this was my fault. I could have given him one more chance, one last time for him to prove just how much he loves me. I still remember when we sang ‘Demolition Lovers’ together on stage. I had never felt more alive, and I had never felt so happy. And now we are just two broken people who crave each other. I know Gerard is the only person for me, I know it. And I may have made a mistake, I will never fully know. I just know that I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone or anything before.

So, what if I never hold you, or kiss your lips again? So I never want to leave you and the memories of us to see. I beg don't leave me.

I tried to make myself stop being this crying idiot and just drive away. I tried to tell myself that what I was doing what the right thing.

I sighed deeply and held back the dry hiccups wanting free from my throat. I squinted my eyes together as a bright light caught my view. I tried to peer past it, but then realized what it finally was. I let out a shriek before a vehicle collided roughly into mine. Everything turned into a massive blur. Pain was surging through every ounce of my body as I lay there, lifeless on the cold hard cement.

Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day.

I stand here alone.

Falling away from you, no chance to get back home…