The Pages All Look Torn and Frayed

I stood before the massive heavy church doors, almost like I was waiting for them to open by themselves. I let my eyes scan over the old oak and the worn gold door knob. The sun was beating down onto my back harshly while the blue skies held a few white clouds in them. It’s such a perfect day outside, but inside will just be filled with hurt and pain worse than any could imagine. I attempted to hold back a cry as reality started to seep into me. This wasn’t just a nightmare, this was real life.

“I think it’s time for us to go in.” Kayley said quietly, while gently placing her hand on my back soothingly. I looked over at her, and tried my best to give a small sympathetic smile while nodding my head lightly. She slipped her arm through mine, and started to gravely lead me past the double wooden doors.

We stepped inside, away from the chirping of birds and sweet sound of laughing, into a hell full of weeping and sorrow. I tried to keep my breaking composure as I saw Gerard standing against the wall, with his face buried in his hands. Frank stood by him, trying to keep himself from sobbing as Gerard’s shoulders viciously shook from the pain he held. Kayley’s grip on my arm got tighter as we walked farther into the church. I saw everyone Rachel once held so dear. All of her band mates, friends, and even family.

We stopped abruptly at the room where the most weeping was coming from. I couldn’t stop the tears that were inevitably pushing there way forward. My glasses fogged slightly as the hot tears pushed past my eyes. Kayley still held me close as we walked together, into that room, the casket placed against the wall, with people lined up walking by.

We got in line, although this is really something I didn’t want to see. Not to be horrible, but she was one of my best friends, and this isn’t the way I ever wanted to see her. We took one step closer, as Mikey left the room, not able to hold it all back. I could almost see her lying in that casket, but I stood back, afraid to get closer.

“Amanda, come on. I don’t want to see this either, but we have to.” Kayley urged while pulling me along just slightly. I nodded to her statement, knowing that this was going to happen, and I needed to see her one last time. I took heavy strides until I was standing before her. I felt my body convulse gently when I saw her lying there.

Her face was pale, paler than usual. Her makeup was done exactly the way she used to do it; heavy eyeliner and black eye shadow. She was wearing a black dress with red trim, just like she always said she would want at her funeral. I never thought I would have had to see her wearing it when she was this young though. Her hands were placed on her chest, and she was holding onto a red rose. Her hair hung like it always did, with her bangs covering her face slightly, while the rest just curled. She looked alive still, almost like she could wake up any second and surprise us all.

I reached out a shaky hand and brushed it against hers, trying to ignore the coldness of her flesh. I could feel my bottom lip trembling as I fought to keep myself stable. I let my hand brush against her cheek, knowing this will be the last time I ever lay eyes on her.
“Bye Snuggles.” I mumbled gently, wishing she could hear me. There was so much that I wish I could have told her before this happened, but its all useless now.

“Let’s go.” I muttered to Kayley, but I never took my eyes off Rachel. I wanted to etch her face into my memory. I glanced at Kayley, just to see a few stray tears rolling down her cheeks. She nodded and lowered her gaze to the floor as we slowly walked out, and towards the sanctuary.

We walked in and took our seats, which were reserved for us, in the front row. I knew that I was the first who was supposed to go up and talk about her and the friendship we held. I just hoped that I could keep my composure through it.

We waited as more and more people walked in and took their seats. The preacher walked up on the stage and took his place behind the podium placed center stage.
“Hello everyone, two days ago you all lost someone very dear to you. I know today is a tragic sad day for you all, but just remember that she knew you all loved her and she loved you all too. One of Rachel’s best friends, Amanda Radford, is coming up to share about her friendship with Rachel.” He said before motioning for me to come up.

I took a deep breath and stood up, carefully making my way up to talk about everything. I took my place behind the podium and mindlessly tucked my black locks behind my ear. I adjusted my glasses slightly and looked out at everyone sitting in the pews. I took a deep breath, looking down before setting my gaze on the crowd again.

“Rachel was an amazing person. She deserved more then anything in this entire world could offer her. She never let me down. I could always count on her to make me smile, and help me with my problems. When the world was against me she was with me. I loved her dearly. She had a big heart, and a wonderful personality. She had so many talents, and such a big imagination. I’ll miss her every second she's gone, but she'll always be with me. I’ll always love my snuggles” I said while stumbling over every word, tripping on my heart wrenching tears wanting to rip through my heart.

I looked down and swallowed hard, trying to push back the lump in my throat. My hands were trembling and my heart was pounding in my ears. This is so much harder than its supposed to be. I sighed and looked back up at the pews. I let my eyes scan over my friends and band mates. Frank sat with his head down and exhaustion falling on his small shoulders. Brett looked at the floor with his brows furrowed, obviously trying to hold back all signs of emotion flowing through him. Holly sat there gazing up at the screen behind me, which portrayed a picture of me and Rachel together. I turned and looked over my shoulder slightly before looking down at Gerard. He was a wreck. A complete disaster breaking down in front of my eyes.

“She was always playing music, from the moment I knew her. Her guitar was always with her, and she was always listening to music. I knew that was her calling, and I knew she was going to be a success. Her dedication to her band and music was amazing. All of her words were from her heart, as depressing as some of it may sound. She showed that just because she looked happy and content, there was always something going on. Not that she was depressed, but that she wasn’t afraid to show people her real feelings. I’ve never seen someone as hyped up when they play as her. She was never afraid of what others thought; she just played her heart out. The music scene won’t be the same without her. She was such an inspiration to us all.” I said, meaning every word spilling from my mouth.

“I know she wouldn’t want us to be sad now. She used to tell me that at her funeral she didn’t want people to be sad. She wanted them to dance along to My Chemical Romance music. And we all told her we would dance for her, but today, I just cant see us dancing for this. I loved her, as well as many of you did, and I know she loved us too.” I said through hazy tears. I looked down as I walked around the podium and back to my seat.

“That was amazing.” Kayley whispered to me when I sat back down. I looked over, seeing her eyeliner run down her cheeks.
“Thanks.” I muttered back quietly. I looked up as Holly stood to go take her place up where I just was. The screen switched to picture of Rachel and Holly together. Her smile was as big as day, and her eyes sparkled with joy. This just doesn’t seem right.

This just doesn’t seem real.