The Pages All Look Torn and Frayed

"Frank, I...I cant do this." Gerard sobbed, holding onto himself while rocking back and forth to ease the pain welling up in his chest. I just leaned against the wall, trying to act like this wasn't hurting me. But it was eating me up inside. It was digging into my heart with such force that I thought I might collapse into my own casket. My heart was pounding in my ears, and the blood was pumping through my veins.I gripped onto my arm, digging my fingers into my flesh to feel some other type of pain other than the one plaguing my heart.

“I know, Gerard.” I mumbled in reply, unaware of how to comfort him in his time of need. I watched as grim faces walked by like dead corpses into the sanctuary. No one had any other emotion other than hurt and pain. Tears streamed down faces and makeup decorated their cheeks while others just look like they were trying to hide the pain. All of this felt like some sort of blow to the stomach.

"You must be Frank." I heard a cracked voice speak. I turned my head to be met with an older woman, her obviously dyed blond hair pulled back into a bun. Her eyes sparkled due to the tears fogging her brown eyes from vision. She stood with a tall gray haired man who just looked around at all the lonley faces. I nodded in her direction to answer her question.
"I've heard a lot of good things about you. I'm Rachel's mom by the way." She said holding her hand out for me to shake. I reached out, grasping onto her cold hand.
"Oh, it's nice to meet you." I replied back, feeling my vocal chords shake in my throat.

She looked over at the sniveling man beside me and just grimaced his way. She looked back over at me and smiled warmly before turning and walking down to the sanctuary. I just watched as more people went by. I felt obligated to stay by Gerard's side, since he was my friend. I was here to help him, I was so far the only person he hasn't fully pushed away. He ignored Ray and Bob's tries, and even Mikey's. But he let me stay, he let me help him. And who was I to just walk away now?

"She hates me. Why does she hate me?" He whimpered, looking over at me through hazy eyes. I looked over at him with an eyebrow raised and confusion etched all over my face.
"What are you talking about?" I muttered back.
"Her!" He shouted while motioning down the hall to Rachel's mom. "Why does she hate me?" He asked, his voice still raised, earning the attention of the people walking past.
"I didn't do a fucking thing to your daughter! All I ever did was love her with all of my heart! This isn't my fault, I didn't do this to her!" He shouted, trembling under his black suit.

People just turned and looked at him through wide eyes as he still sobbed through his rage. I grabbed onto his sleeve, needing to calm him down. He finally just collapsed onto my shoulder, soaking through the fabric and onto my bare skin. He shook violently as I rubbed his back soothingly. "Gerard, this isn't your fault. And don't pay attention to her. She is just looking for someone to blame." I cooed in his ear as he hiccuped pathetically.
"But I didn't kill her. All I did was love her." He whimpered against my shoulder, muffling his voice.

"I know Gerard. I know." I replied, patting his back gently as he rose up off my shoulder and wiped at his eyes. He took a deep breath, trying to gain his composure back as I just tried my hardest not to cry. I take partial responsibility for her death. I feel like if I had told her the truth, or at least stopped Gerard from what he did, then she would still be here. But then we could blame so many other people too. We all could say that if Brett hadn't of beat the shit out of Gerard, then none of this would have happened. Then if Ville hadn't of gotten her drunk, she wouldn't have been an alcoholic.

This game could go on forever.

"I think it's time for us to go in." I stated, watching as the last of the people walked in, and while workers got the casket ready to be carried in. He just simply nodded and started the painful walk into the sanctuary. We walked past each pew, getting looks from the people seated in them. Gerard just kept his head down until we reached the front row. We took our seats as Amanda stood and went to the front to speak.

I knew that I had to speak today. But Lord knows I didn't want to. I watched the pictures that flickered behind Amanda as she spoke. I could feel Gerard trembling beside me, and that right there almost made me break down. I knew I would sometime, but I just didn't want to break here. Not now.

"I'm sorry about everything." I heard a familiar voice whisper. My head snapped in the direction of the voice, and saw Brett sitting next to Gerard. I turned around, knowing that this wasn't my business. I kept my eyes glued to the screen as various pictures of Rachel passed by.

Each picture made me remember how much I would miss her. Even when Holly got up to speak, and all the pictures of them together. All the way from when they were just teenagers, to just a few weeks ago playing on stage. I swear this is all just a dream. Someone like her can't just die like that.

As Holly stepped down, I knew it was my turn. I took a deep agonizing breath before standing up and walking forward to the podium. Each step felt like I had bricks tied to my feet. I felt my heart pound in my skull as I took my place. I looked down at the empty podium, just a Bible sitting upon it. I sighed, looking around at all the broken faces in the pews.

"I know that I wasn't Rachel's friend for a long time. I only knew her for about four years, and I swear that those four years were amazing. Knowing her changed my life for the better. She made me a better guitarist and even a better performer. We taught each other a lot of lessons in the short amount of time we've known each other, but I will always remember one that she taught me. To always love and have fun, because you never know which day will be your last." I said, finally choking on the tears that have clogged my throat all day.

"She was always fun to be around. She never liked to show that she was down or sad, even when her heart was being ripped out of her chest. She always wanted to be happy, no matter what. I know that I wronged her in the worst way, and I would do anything to take it back. But something inside of me tells me that she knows that I never wanted to hurt her intentionally. She is definitely someone I will always remember. We all lost a great performer. A great guitarist. A great person. But an even better friend. I know this isn't the way she wanted it. But I don't see how any of us can be happy right now. The world will always remember as she should be remembered. And I know that she is the most amazing person I've ever met." I finished, stepping off the stage and walking up to her casket.

I stopped in front of her, looking down at her for the second time today. I did the catholic cross over my chest and placed a silver necklace down on her lifeless corpse. It held a silver cross with her name engraved on the back. I sighed deeply, whispering out a goodbye before silently walking over to my seat.

This is the first time all day that I felt hot tears make their way down my cheeks, only because the reality of it all has just sunk in.