The Pages All Look Torn and Frayed

I sat with my back leaning against the rough wood of the pew I was currently seated in. I felt the blood pulsing through my brain, pounding against the brittle bone of my skull. This whole day had been a big blur. Just a huge mess of people and tears and anguish that I've tried to avoid. I've seen so many faces of so many people who seemed so stable. I admit all of this is such a huge shock, and basically I felt like a part of my life was taken away.

I'm am so thankful that I got to at least see her in her last days. If I hadn't been called by their manager, and hired to shoot their new video, which never got finished, I wouldn't have gotten to see her again. I would have hated to be off i California or where ever, and get some phone call that my friend was now dead. But then again, maybe if I never came here, she would still be breathing. I could sit here and wallow in my pity and blame my self for everything, and get no where.

Replays of everything that seemed like no big deal, but ended up being the death of her, keeps going through my mind. Its like every moment I close my eyes, I see when I took my fist and rammed it against Gerard's face. I see when I had him on the ground, kicking and punching him til my heart was content. And then I see when I took that beer bottle, and watched it smash over his head, sending blood splattering. I thought I was a murderer, and I was scared for my life then. Jail definitely isn't a place for me.

I thought since he wasn't dead that Rachel would be happy. That she would at least get that I did it for her, as much as I wish that was the truth. I hated Gerard, I have for years. I don't know why, I just do. I mean, seeing him now, I know he isn't such a bad guy. I hated to admit it, but him and Rachel were meant for each other. And I practically killed their relationship.

I leaned my head back and sighed, running my hand over my face. This was so much harder than I ever imagined.
"Brett?" I looked up to see Rachel's mom standing in front of me. I haven't seen her since me and Rachel both moved away and left the church we went to. Her eyes were glazed over with fresh tears that stung her soul. I tried my hardest to give her a sympathetic smile, but I knew it just wasn't working.
"Hey, how are you doing?" I asked while standing up to give her a quick hug. She just sighed and shrugged.
"It's just so hard, you know? I always wanted to see her getting married and having kids, and I she didn't get to live that out. All she did was make music. But it's not like I wanted her to marry that Gerard guy anyways." She scowled. I wanted to agree with her, but something inside told me that I needed to stick up for Gerard.
"Gerard isn't a bad guy." I defended, feeling so awkward trying to defend the man I've hated for at least ten years. She scoffed and rolled her eyes at my comment.

"You don't think I read the papers or watch TV? I'll watch MTV or Fuse or whatever if I see that she's going to be on there. And before Gerard came along, she was happy. Then just a few years after he came along, she's on TV for being a drunk. How do you think I'm supposed to feel about that? He ruined her, just like I knew he would. You know how she used to always say she would marry him, and I told her not to say that because if it really did happen she wouldn't be happy. And apparently it looks like I was right." She said, her voice cracking every few words.

"TV screws everything up. They never showed when they were happy. They just wanted some controversy, so they only told you about the rough times. When I first came to Projekt Revolution, I saw first hand just how much they loved each other. I saw them just hold hands, and even sing songs together on stage. And yeah, you know how I hated Gerard, but he really isn't a bad guy. And he sure as hell didn't kill her. I hold as much responsibility as he does." I said, trying my best not to get upset.

She just huffed and turned to walk to her seat as the preacher took his place on stage. I sat back down and just watched as Amanda went up to speak as soon as Frank and Gerard took their seats. Sure enough, Gerard was sitting next to me. I glanced over at him, noticing his whole body trembling and small whimpers escaping the crevasses of his throat. I felt bad for him. I really can't imagine the agony of loosing the love of your life. I knew what I should do, and I know it may not make a big difference, but it will lift a million pounds off my shoulders.

"Gerard?" I mumbled weakly while turning slightly to face him. He turned his head slowly, his blood shot eyes making contact with mine.
"Yeah?" He whimpered back, his hands shaking in his lap as he tried to fidget with the hem of his blazer.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for ever hurting you physically, and for ruining your relationship with Rachel." I muttered, my throat instinctively closing up. He just stared at me for a few seconds, trying to blink the tears away.
"It's okay. And you didn't ruin our relationship. I did, and I know I did. I was just stupid and messed up the best thing I ever had. And now here we are, this is the result of my stupid mistakes." He sighed, glancing up at Frank, who was now at the front speaking. "Thank you though. At least I know you don't totally hate me now." He muttered.
"Yeah, not totally." I whispered, leaning back in my seat, before realizing that it was my turn to speak.

I got up and walked up the few stairs it took to get up on the stage. I took my place behind the podium, holding onto the sides as if I was afraid I would fall. I stared out into the crowd of people, before shifting my gaze away from them, so their penetrating stares wouldn't hinder my speech.
"'ll always remember how we got stuck in the parking lot at Tremont Music Hall in Charlotte, North Carolina until about 4 am because the car wouldn't start. I'll always remember her teenage obsession with Gerard Way, god i hated that dude. I always wanted to just punch him in the face for ruining punk rock, I never thought id be able to, but I did. I remember even one time threatening to set him on fire if My Chemical Romance played her birthday party, and I'll always remember how at school I'd annoy her just because it was fun for me. But most of all I will always remember Rachel for being such a happy person. No matter what kind of mood I was in every time I'd talk to her for some reason I'd smile" I said, each word feeling so foreign to my mouth. Like I wasn't supposed to be saying all of this. It was too soon.

I adverted my eyes from everyone as I stepped down and took my seat next to Gerard again. He glanced over at me and just tried to give me a small smile through his pain.
"It's nice to know that you always liked me." He whispered sarcastically.
"I don't hate you so much anymore though." I replied back, trying to get comfortable in my seat. It's amazing how the death of a loved on can bring the most unlikely people together. Because the more I'm around Gerard, the more I'm starting to like him as a friend.

I haven't cried yet, and I honestly don't think I can. I see all of this happening, and it just feels like I'm in a movie. Like one of those dreams that just feel so real, yet you know it wouldn't happen in a million years.

But I hate the fact that I'm never going to wake up.