This Is My Violent Pose

I stumbled in the door, switching the light on as I walked into the van. The vehicle swayed as I walked, making me feel sick. My life was an absolute shit hole. I was either drunk or high, and I was scared of nearly everything.

I stumbled on further down the van, tripping on a cord. I stopped my self from falling, but dropped my beer bottle in the process. I swore as I stumbled on some more, and entered the bathroom. The small room containing a shower bath and toilet was a mess.

I hit the light switch, and looked at myself in the mirror. My black hair was down to my shoulders, and my hazel eyes were clouded. My pale skin was matted and dirty. I hadn’t showered for days, and you could tell. My shirt was crumpled and torn, with dirt marks all down the front. I don’t think that any of my clothing had seen a washing machine for months, if it had at all.

I had a sudden idea. I pulled my phone put of my pocked and searched through my contacts. I found the one I was looking for. I hit dial and placed the heap of shit to my left ear. With my other hand I turned on the cold water, and maneuvering spectacularly, I splashed it onto my face.

“Gerard, what the fuck are you doing calling me this late?” Matt, our manager’s voice rang though my ear.

“Yea, nice to hear from you too.” I could hear him laugh lightly to himself, as he continued.
“Yea, I know. Can we make this quick, because I’m really tired.” I turned my back to the mirror and lent against the sink.

“Um, yea. Sure. I, um… Look, don’t worry about it, it can wait.” I sighed and closed my eyes.
“No, Gerard. Don’t hang up. Talk to me, please. Tell me what’s up, I want to know.” I sighed. His sincerity was killing me. I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I ran my hands through my hair, and tilted my head back. I tried to think of the right words.

‘It’s just, if I were to go… you know, like, go, would anyone notice? Like, what impact have I had, who’s lives have I saved? Who would notice that I’m not there…..?” I trailed off in my own thoughts.

“No, no no no no. Gerard, how can you think like that? You have so much in this world, you’ve done so much, changed so many people. I mean it!”

“No I haven’t. I haven’t saved one person, haven’t changed a thing in this fucked up world. It’s a bigger mess now than it was when I got here! I’ve fucked it up more than you know!”

“No, Gerard, that’s not true. Tell me. Tell me honestly, how you feel when you’re up on that stage, and you’ve got all these kids screaming these words back at you, these words that you wrote, words that came from you? Doesn’t that mean something, anything to you?”

I sighed, for what felt like the thousandth time today. He was right. Why was he always right?

“Gerard, are you there, you okay?” I nodded, and then realizing that he couldn’t see me, I spoke.

“Yea, I’m here. It feels good, I spose, it feels, cool. Awesome. Weird, coz it fucken scares the shit outta me, but…cool.” Matt sighed on the other end, and I could hear him moving.

“Okay, now, before you do anything stupid that we’d all regret, I want you to go and wake someone up. Anyone, just wake someone up.” I didn’t move. I didn’t want people to worry over me. I wasn’t worth it. As always, he could tell.

“Gee, how many times have I told you: don’t hesitate, because, if you do, you think about it too much. Go, now.” I held my breath and shut my phone. I opened the bathroom door, and back through the van. I opened the door to feel the cool night air against my skin. I stepped down off the van, and headed for Bryan’s van.

I figured that if I woke Mikey up, he’d freak out, Ray and Bob weren’t anywhere around here, and if I woke Frank up, if I could at all, he wouldn’t be much help. As I got to the door I took in my surroundings one more. There weren’t any people around this time of night, and it was deathly quiet. I knocked on the door that was towering than me. There was shuffling inside, and the door creaked open.

“Gee? What are doing here this time of night?” Brian stood there, with crease line burrowed deep into his forehead, like a permanent frown.

“I…Um, Matt told me to come here, I don’t know why…” He opened the door wide so I could come in.

“You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you?” It was more of a statement then a question, but I nodded anyway. He nodded and headed for the kitchen.

“Go lie down in my bed, I’ll bring you in something to eat and drink, okay?” I nodded and headed into the bunk area. I heard him talking to someone, I guessed on the phone. There weren’t any lights on, just the well-lit computer screen which he continually had on.

He stopped talking, and I heard him hang up. The kettle clicked, indicating that the water had boiled. He clattered around for another minute or so, and then came into the bunk section with a grim look on his face.

“Gee, what were you thinking? Why would you do that?”

“Do what?” I had never actually spoken of suicide, but that was what was running through my head the whole conversation with Matt…

“Thinking like that, that you’re worthless, when you know damn well that you’re not.” I shrugged.

“I dunno, I was just wondering…”

“But think, Gee, if you were to take your life, how many young teens, the kids who look up to you, where would they be left. They’d just follow suit. It’d be like the plague.” He and I both knew we were being sarcastic, but I knew the point he was trying to prove…

“Yea, I no, but… Yea…” There was a loud banging noise, and the door to the van flew open.
“Gee! Gee! Are you okay? What happened?” Mikey ran in, then upon seeing me, he became quiet. He approached me carefully, as if I were a dog he didn’t want to wake.

“Gee?” he said, barely above a whisper. I knew that this was why I didn’t want to wake him up. Oh, they joys of having a little brother…