If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Alex

Oops. I think? What did I… oh, wait….hey, I remember!

Crap.

Scratching my head, I watch the shaking front door for a moment later, but for once I don’t run after, mostly because I guess I don’t know what the heck I would say. What could I say? There isn’t… a way I can exactly comfort her, after all, I just… don’t know what I could do. There isn’t, really, I have no idea how to connect, how to even comprehend…

THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM?!

Okay, maybe like… running from a stalker. Or perhaps she just hated her family and decided to change it because of that. Maybe she even stole like, a million dollars. Or being rude to some rich or royal rats. Those things, I could see. This? I didn’t… even… consider. So yeah. Totally thrown off track at the moment, here.

I stare, zoned out in disbelief and confusion, my brain short-circuiting as the door opens and in tramps Jack, yawning and stretching like a friggin’ monkey. He pauses upon spotting me and searches momentarily for Bailey with suspicious and somewhat frightened eyes. “Not here,” he mutters with a nod, then looks over to me with a beaming smile. “Soooo how was last night, little mister romantic? Tell me everything!” He plops down on the ground beside the couch I’m laying on, waiting.

Since I don’t reply, he pokes my stomach irritatedly. “Stop,” I mutter, pushing his hand away, my thoughts still stirring. Furrowing my brow as I try to bring together a conclusion that I still can’t formulate from my girlfriend- holy cow, she’s my girlfriend- I turn to Jack. “Jack, what would you do if Gabriela were… if she had secrets from you?”

Jack gives me a crazy look like I’m out of my mind and it’s not him. “She does, man.” He shrugs. “I think it’s mostly girl stuff. Creeps me out. But if she wants to tell, she tells.”

“But what if it’s big?” I press, trying to get some idea or clue to go off of, or something, I’m not quite sure. “What if… it was so big, that the government were included?”

“Then… I’d think she was a spy!” His eyes get wide. “That would be hot!”

I slump back on the couch. Of course. This is Jack. He won’t be much of a help. I stand, rolling my eyes and give him a shove. “Whatever man,” I brush it off and head over for a shower to think some more.

What do I know? Her parents are dead. Druggies, I think she said? They died when she was young, with her little brother… Jake, yeah. They went around in the streets- or was it foster homes? Then he died, or something. Then… then what? She went into the WPP for that? Or for what? For something bigger? I mean, usually people only go into that for… for bigger… for huge things, where people could still be after them.

Her nightmares! Those have something to do with that. And something about Jake, I think. Something went on. I’m still missing someone, then. But who could it be? I frown as I turn off the hot water. But as I try to figure out who this person could be, Rian starts yelling for me, since we’ve got a big show to head out for, then a signing. I don’t have time to think any more.

The next several hours go by in a crazy haze, but all I know is that the crowd loved us and Bailey was no where to be found. Don’t know why or how or where she was, but obviously not around me. The hours press on, and I feel pretty irritated, but maybe I should try apologizing.

Girls like that. Bailey needs it. My eyes can’t stay still as I keep searching for her, my mind racing over this morning and how to apologize. Simple, fancy? Which would work best? How hard will I have to work at it? Or has she already forgiven me? What should I do? Trying to make girls happy seems to be harder than anything… at least it’s usually worth it in the end, though. Hopefully. Needs to be…

“Hey, Zack, you seen Bay?”

“Nope, man. Though I heard she stormed out this morning,” he glances at me with a raised eyebrow as he drapes a towel over his sweaty chest. His eyes keep on me as he takes a long gulp of water, waiting.

“Uh… yeah. I uh, asked a question last night and got an honest answer… cause she was drunk,” I admit. “And I guess she was angry about it, so…” I shrug, honestly confused with it myself. I mean, its not like you can take it back, or anything. You just… deal. Why do girls have to be so freaking emotional? Gah.

He nods. “I’d say give her time, but you gave her today, so,” he shrugs himself as he trails off, not really having another word to say. I nod, wave and head off to search for her.

It takes about half an hour of tracking people down, but I do at last- on the Maine’s bus. Which irritates me. A lot. There just aren’t words for the kind of emotion that drives me crazy, hearing that she’s there. I knock hard on the door when I finally arrive, and then I step in because its unlocked.

“Hello,” I call with false cheer, stepping in. My eyes glaze around to see five guys and one girl all playing some card games. They glance up in their own timing and give nods, waves, or shouts- all except for Bailey.

Standing there awkwardly, I wait. My palms get sweaty and I brush them off on my jeans and I fiddle with my shirt and beanie, waiting. If I have to wait all night, I will, but I’m going to talk to her, I swear.

And finally, she realizes that. The game ends for her and sighing and muttering under her breath, she stands, swatting some playful hands away from her. She mumbles a farewell and eyeing me unhappily, she steps outside, letting me trail behind. And so I do, catching up easily as she walks. After all, she’s shorter by several inches and she can’t walk as fast as I do.

“I’m sorry,” I say at last. “I realize that was… obviously personal, okay? And I was drunk, too,” okay that’s a little of a lie, but she doesn’t need to know. “Please, just… I care, okay? You have to understand that. And it’s hard caring for a stranger.”

She pauses and looks up into my eyes, searching. I do the exact same, trying to understand this girl. She speaks at last. “Are you saying, we are strangers?”

“I hope not,” a smirk slips onto my lips. “Or I wouldn’t be about to offer you a piggyback ride.” Lately, I’ve noticed that she actually enjoys them. “Hop on.” I crouch down a little and with a little reluctance, she hops on and even gives a quick kiss on my neck. This, I can see, is our mutual apology-accepted-situation, and that’s the way it’ll be. But I’ve got her again, so that’s all I need, and we head off to the bus again.