If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Alex

I slam the door shut, upset and a little pissed off as I stomp off. Except I have no idea where to go. Groaning silently to myself, I fiddle with my beanie and go around, wandering around to the other sets. Some teens stop me for my autograph and pictures, but otherwise it’s just an average day on the tour.

Well, sort of average…

Frowning, I head off to be a little more alone, and find a tree to sit under. I lean back and close my eyes, trying to calm down and think. And of course, it’s all about Bailey. It’s always hard to think of anything else.

She’s just so confusing, though, and it drives me crazy. I mean, she hasn’t gotten too upset, being on the tour with us. Strained for sure, but not too horrible. No outbursts, screaming, or anything.

I’ve really been trying, too. I mean, I’m not pushing her to like it, or anything. But at least to accept everything as it is, right? I’m including her in everything we do as a band, but I’m keeping it calm enough so it won’t drive her too crazy or anything. Before I ever do anything lately, I’m always thinking about how it’ll effect her, and how to keep her safe and happy.

Yet what does she do? She snaps at me to go away.

Sighing, I duck my head in my hands. This just gets so hard sometimes, it just… well, it makes me wonder. I can’t help it, but I do.

The next few days are spent again in this same rundown town. We only have a few sets, so I’d considered making up with Bailey, and maybe taking her around town to see if there was anything to do for a couple of hours, but she hardly seems to be around.

Well, she is always around- with the other guys, anyways. Or on the phone. It’s just odd, because she’s never so social. But after taking a nap the other day, I woke up to hear her laughing at one of Jack’s crummy jokes- something I hadn’t thought would ever happen.

Anyways, I just decide to shrug it off. We don’t really talk to each other, though, and I really miss it. At night, if there’s some moonlight peaking through, I watch her sleep, being the beauty she is. It makes me miss the times she’d smile at me. But I’m sure they’ll come around…

At last we leave for the road and drive for a while. Bailey still won’t chat with me, and I don’t strike conversation with her, either. I could probably count our entire conversation of words on both hands, being so small. But I try to shrug it off the next day, cause we’ve got a set to do.

“Okay guys,” I grin, feeling my adrenaline rushing through as the last chords end and I take a quick sip of water. “So, we’re just about done, but we’ve got one last song for you guys! Are you ready?!” I laugh as the crowd goes wild. “Great, cause here I am- with our amazing Juliet from Automatic Loveletter, to sing for y’all, Remembering Sunday.”

Taking a deep breath, I start the song, glancing around to see when she’s going to enter. I mean, we’ve done this a few times and everything, but usually she comes around or something. She’ll come from anywhere, though, and it’s pretty fun. Once she even popped up from the crowd and jumped on stage singing- it was pretty great.

“He woke up from dreaming,
And put on his shoes.
Started making his way
Past two in the morning.

He hasn’t been sober for days.
Leaning now, into the breeze,
Remembering Sunday,
He falls to his knees.

They had breakfast together,
But two eggs don’t last
Like the feeling of what he needs.

Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand
And with a devilish grin,
She led him upstairs,
She led him upstairs,
Left him dying to get in.

Forgive me I’m trying to find
My calling, I’m calling at night
I don’t mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?

She’s been running through my dreams,
And it’s driving me crazy, it seems
I’m going to ask her to marry me.

Even though she doesn’t believe in love
He’s determined to call her bluff.
Who could deny these butterflies?
They’re filling his gut.

Waking the neighbors,
Unfamiliar faces,
He pleads, though he tries but he’s only denied
Now he’s dying to get inside.

Forgive me I’m trying to find
My calling, I’m calling at night
I don’t mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?

She’s been running through my dreams,
And it’s driving me crazy, it seems
I’m going to ask her to marry me.

The neighbors say she moved away
Funny how it rained all day
Didn’t think much of it then
But it’s starting to all make sense.
Oh, I can see now
That all of these clouds are following me
In my desperate endeavor to find my whoever
Wherever she may be…

I pause as Juliet’s lines start- but it’s not her familiar voice, like we practiced earlier today. My eyes nearly bulge in surprise as Bailey pops out from behind stage, waving one arm and singing the lyrics strong. I watch, stunned by her appearance- and her strong voice. It’s not rock ‘n roll rough like Juliet’s, but it’s still strong and clear, a little more refined I guess. I’m listening so intensely, I nearly forget to start singing again.

“I’m not coming back,
Forgive me.
I’ve done something so terrible,
I’m terrified to speak.
(I’m not calling, I’m not calling.)
But you’d expect that from me,
I’m mixed up.

I’ll be blunt
Now the rain is just
(You’re driving me crazy, I’m)
Washing you out of my hair
And out of my mind.

Keeping an eye on the world,
From so many thousands
Of feet off the ground,
I’m over you now,
I’m at home in the clouds,
And towering over your head.”

“I guess I’ll go home now…
I guess I’ll go home now…
I guess I’ll go home…now…
I guess I’ll go home…”

Luckily I do remember to start singing, and we walk around each other a little, tossing the microphones a little to each other, and finally the song ends. The crowd cheers as our chests are heaving to get oxygen in us. Bay turns to me, only inches away, and glances up hesitantly.

“Sorry,” she murmurs.

“For what?” I chuckle softly and grabbing her neck, I step forward and pull her into a kiss. At first she almost pulls back, but I feel her relax and give in to the moment, wrapping her arms around me. Grinning, I drop the microphone and pick her up, so she puts her legs around my waist.

“Thank you,” I break the kiss to yell to the screaming crowd. Bay blushes, dropping the microphone and waves a little, too. I hear Jack distantly shouting to everyone that in fact, this isn’t really Juliet, but my very own ‘fiancé’, Bailey. Of course, I wouldn’t have it any other way at the moment.