If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Alex

“No, it’s not!” I snap at her, shaking my head as I slam my fist on the picnic table. “It’s never nothing! I can’t believe you did this! I thought you put it in safe keeping or something!” I throw my hands up, upset.

“And I did,” she shrugs. “It’s just John, Alex. He’s our friend. I’m sure I would… lose it sooner or later,” she says somewhat hesitatingly, and we all catch it. I know John’s just dying to get out of this, but no way. It’s all his fault.

“No you wouldn’t, you weren’t even thinking about that, were you?” I ask upset, realizing this situation is dirtier than it seems. “How could you?”

“Easy, I just handed it over,” she says sarcastically, crossing her arms. “Alex-”

“Don’t Alex me!”

“Alexander,” she snaps. “You’re acting immature, and it’s not like you even care that much.”

“You think I don’t care?” I look at Bailey in disbelief, my fists tightening involuntarily. “You really think I wouldn’t?” She just swallows, keeping that hard look on her face. “Well I do! Okay?” I snap. “I didn’t bring you along, because I don’t like you. I didn’t stick through any of this, because I don’t like you. Heck, I didn’t meet you at the bar and keep talking because I didn’t like you, Bailey! Don’t you get it? I can’t stop now, I’m too far in, and you just-” I shake my head, not having the words.

So I walk away, leaving her there, both of us ignoring those around us, and most certainly the rat John. My head down, I just keep walking until I’m out of the park, alone, and I can think.

But what was she thinking? I mean… I had thought, at least hoped, she was holding onto the ring for it to be safe. Is that so wrong? But… having John hold onto it? I can’t believe this! I can’t believe her. She must really hate me… I kick the chain fence angrily and frustrated. I kick it and punch it a few more times until someone pulls me back.

“Hey, you can stop,” Jack mutters, tugging me into the empty street. “You okay man?”

“Do I look okay?” I snap.

“Nope,” he shakes his head. “But even if you are, you don’t gotta put it on me, you know.”

I take a deep breath through my nose, putting a hand on my forehead. “Yeah, I know,” I say finally. “I’m just… so… pissed!”

“I get it,” he nods. “Just keep talking.”

So I do, rambling on and on about my frustrations, everything I held back in secret, trying to just- to be there for Bailey always, no matter what else was going on. If she wanted me sober for a night, I’d do it for her, even if I were dying for a drink. I’d stay away when I wanted to kiss her and hold her most. It was just being happy slappy drunk in love or anything; I was trying all the time. But she just never seemed to get it.

Finally, the two of us are sitting on the curb- well, I am. Jack’s lying down at my feet in the gravel. I hope he showers before the party tonight… I sigh, pulling at my hair.

“So…” Jack says at last, after I’ve been silent for a few minutes. “Done?”

“Yeah,” I scowl a little.

“Okay, cool. Now, the question is, was it worth it?”

“I wish it was.”

“I think it was.”

I gaze down, raising my eyebrow at him. “Excuse me, mister pony dancer?”

“I deny that,” he says firstly. “And I can be serious, sometimes!” He smacks my leg as if to prove it. “But seriously! I watch Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil, now, would want to question you right? So… are you glad at all you did it?”

“Some what unfortunately, yes,” I say finally, muffled in my palms.

“See? So stop whining.”

“Jack!” I kick him, standing. “It isn’t that easy, okay?”

Jack groans. “It always works on TV, man…”

“Well this is life,” I snap back, upset. “I just can’t believe Bailey did that to me!”

“Left the ring with John?”

“Yes! Didn’t you hear us?”

“Sweetheart, the whole world heard you,” he chuckles.

“Exactly! So why are you asking?”

“I… huh. Um… well… why are you mad?”

I give him the evil eye. “Jack, I just said that in my rants the entire time.”

“Oh… well…” he struggles to come up with something. “I mean… come on… um… so… you’re jealous of John, then?”

“No.” I sit back down with a heavy breath. “I’m just mad that she wouldn’t hold onto it, cause it feels like she wasn’t willing to do anything for the both of us.”

“Did she ever?” Jack asks curiously.

“Well…” I trail off. “Maybe not… but a little, I… she just…” my voice trails off. “I dunno, Jack. But it just hasn’t mattered. I mean, I feel like I need her, but right now, I don’t want to ever see her again.”

He pats my back. “I’m sure it’ll go away.”

I glare up at him. “You’re no help.”

“Psh, kid, I’m the next Dr. Phil,” he sticks his nose up in the air and strolls up.

Sighing, I stand up myself and walk around, trying to figure out my thoughts for a while, just make everything make sense. But it doesn’t really, so I head out. Matt’s got everyone on the bus, ready to drop us off at our homes, so I hop on. I ignore everyone the ride home and don’t question where Bailey is. Probably with John, anyways. I check the time, glad we were only an hour away. And soon enough, I’m at my house, alone.