If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Bailey

His words cause me to stop. I stomp my foot in frustration. “I want it back!” I finally scream at him, turning around. I can feel my arms shaking. Not from the alcohol that’s quickly losing it’s affect right now, but from my- anger? Am I really angry with him? I think I am. But even going sober, my thoughts aren’t so clear anymore.

“Fine,” he shoves the ring at me, tossing it on the floor.

I pick it up, stomping forwards in my heels. “No, you idiot!” I shove the ring back at him. “Keep it for all I care. But I’m talking about my heart!” The words come out before I can help them, and I put a hand to my throat in shock.

“Your heart?” He repeats in disbelief and confusion, anger immediately draining from his posture. Had he not really been upset either, like myself?

I nearly choke on my air, my emotions unable to stay bundled up anymore. Tears begin trickling down as I slowly nod. “I gave it to you. Then- then you’ve been juggling with it all this time, and I’m sick of it. I want it back,” I repeat in a hard voice.

“But- Bailey, please,” he groans in a tense voice. “I don’t understand- you never said anything, okay? What am I supposed to think? You- you’re freaking bipolar!”

“Or maybe you just don’t understand me!” I shout in a shaking voice. “You have no idea what I’ve been through. I- I just…” I sigh helplessly. I wrap my arms around me, trying to find the right words. “I can’t say things like you can. I can’t. Its. Not. Me. So just- you know what? I’m out. I am out, and for good. I don’t care anymore. I’m taking everything, including my heart, and going far away,” I snap and turning on my heel, I stomp out, ignoring as he calls for me.

Everything speeds by, it seems. Alex follows me out, I hail a cab, but he doesn’t catch up. I glance back out the window and watch him watch me leaving, arms hanging loose at his sides. My stomach knots, but I refuse to give in, turn back, or anything. Soon, I’m on the couch in my old apartment, back in my clothes from earlier, sitting slouched on the couch. I don’t even bother with the TV, because there’s nothing ever good on. I pull all the shades down so it’s dark, and grab a Bud for comfort.

“Bailey?”

I raise my eyes to look at Missy who’s brought Zack over. “What are you doing here?” Missy frowns. I shrug, glancing down at my drink. I mean, I’m not ‘far gone’ at all- I’ve just had what, two sips? But I’m trying to enjoy and savor every second of it. Sure, it’s been an hour or so, but I don’t care. “Your phone’s ringing,” she points out.

Shrugging again, I stare up at the ceiling. Missy chooses to dig through my bag on the coffee table and answers the phone. “Yeah? No… well yeah. Uh huh? Oh… okay, well… yeah, I’ll try. Just a sec.” She puts it down a little. “Bay? What happened? Alex said you’re upset.”

“No, I’m not,” I snap, flipping her the bird.

“He wants to apologize.”

“I don’t wanna hear it.” I bang my head against the couch, staring at the ceiling.

“But it’ll make you feel better. More so than the alcohol will,” she adds, stepping forward and grabbing it away. “Please? You two mean a lot to each other. Don’t just walk away when it’s possible to fix it. For me?” She offers, holding the phone out.

“Only cause you won’t go away,” I glower and grudgingly sit up, taking the phone. “Well?”

“Bailey? Please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, okay? You’re right, absolutely correct. I don’t know what you’ve been through, and I know you’re different- it’s what I love about you. Bailey, please. Come back. At least let us talk it out?”

I sit there quietly, trying not to look at Missy and Zack who are staring at me. Time passes as I try to make my decision. Give into pride and hang up the phone, or… go back to the guy who still has my heart. “Fine,” I finally say softly.

Alex sighs a breath of relief hearing it. “Come over?” He asks softly. “I… I want to see you again. We can talk.”

“I’ll be there soon,” I murmur and snap the phone shut. Rubbing my forehead, I turn on my friend. “Happy?” I ask somewhat sarcastically and grabbing my bag, I trudge out the door, not knowing what to expect.