If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Bailey

It’s dark, midnight about. Maybe later. I tried keeping track of the time, but there are no watches, no clocks here; it’s nigh impossible.

My breathing is shallow as I sit in wait in the closet, sitting uncomfortably, resting my head against the corner, my hands held even higher, trapped to the door handle. It’s been a few hours since it’s been quiet, and since then I’ve slowly managed to get the duct tape off my mouth without my hands- a skill I’d learned years ago and hadn’t used since. But my skills aren’t too rusty.

The rope makes my skin ache, and I already have blood on my wrists and the rope is covered in it. The smell crowds the oxygen in here, all those chemicals, but I can’t do anything to help it. It’s not rare to me, anyways.

Silently I shift into another position before anything can cramp up. I swallow my dry throat, trying to keep my lungs continually working. Just keep breathing, in and out, in and out. It’s all I need.

Before I can drop off to sleep again, my muscles begin to seize and I have to move again. But the moment occurs and I’m wide-awake suddenly, wondering about the door. The knobs are a bit loose… Moving around a little, I manage to get up on my bruised knees, and slowly twist the door handle.

The door isn’t locked for once. My breath catches and my heart skips a beat in my hope. Wait, I hurriedly remind myself. I’m still trapped here. The rope. Keeping the door slightly opened, I can get some fresher air, and I breathe deeply but quietly. My lungs no longer burn with the stale smells of the closet thank goodness.

Carefully working to keep the door still, I start twisting at my roped trap. At first I thought the skin might be too numb to care, but turns out its not. Struggling not to groan, I keep trying to squeeze out of them. When I find it’s not enough, I start using my teeth, trying not to chew on the ends with blood.

I don’t know how long it takes, but I know it takes much longer than it should. But it’s not too surprising, I suppose. The scabs on my wrists are bleeding all over again when I at last get them freed of the doorknob.

But I’m free.

Shakily I get to my feet, and work on stretching my exhausted and taunt muscles. Then I have to concentrate on opening the door slowly and carefully, and only so much that it wont-

Crrreeeeeak.

My eyes close in fear and I wait in the dark silence, lingering… Nothing. I give a small sigh of relief and by then it’s wide enough, so I step out. I swallow hard and slowly my eyes refocus to see in the dim light.

The kitchen to the right, the living room to the left. Couch and table and chair and that’s it… Which way? Front door, I remind myself, they always face town. Right, it has to be that way. So I slowly begin tiptoeing across the space for the door.

I freeze, seeing that his door is wide open to the darkness. I can’t see anything that far in the complete darkness. My heart thuds and I wonder if he can hear it. But I can’t see him… maybe he’s sleeping? Then I nearly slap myself- of course he is. It’s past midnight, after all. Even he doesn’t stay up this late.

My blood rushes through my body, keeping me wide awake and wide eyed, cautious to any sounds and movements. I place my feet very carefully everywhere I go, making sure it won’t creak and I won’t run into anything. And I can’t just run- if I can make it out quietly, I could make it far away and to safety by the time he ever wakes up.

The front door. My shaking hand covers my heart, blood rushing in my ears. I swallow hard and feel for the locks and handles. Five locks, as always. Slowly I start undoing them- and he always keeps the keys right next to it, so he won’t lose them.

One lock.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

And the front door doesn’t even squeak, how about that? A smile falls on my face at the aspect of freedom, right here, in my fingertips. I’m really escaping, I can do it, and everything will be okay again. It has to.

Slowly, though, I can’t help but glance back. It’s all dark, so I can’t see a thing, but there are no movements, and no sounds or creaks anymore. I’m really safe, and just about out of his grasp. This nightmare is just about to end, I know it!

Holding the door open still, I step out, filling my lungs with the deep fresh, cold air. Snow has arrived, I notice, but there’s only so much. Very little, really, not a problem at all. Maybe it’ll even cover my tracts, I think. I take the last step to freedom and-

Bam!

My hand clutches my throat in fear, whirling around. I’d completely let go of the front door and let it slam shut! Grasping for thoughts, I try to recall how heavily Drake ever slept. I can’t really recall, I’ve tried blocking the memories so much, and it scares me now.

But… I’m not hearing anything. My chin quivers, my eyes wide and fearful as I step back, farther and farther, inching away in my fear, struggling to maintain my courage, my adrenaline… Panicked, I turn and start running, praying I can make it before he knows I disappeared.