If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Bailey

I can’t recall the last breath of air, because I had passed out before.

I can’t recall the first breath of air, either, because I was still unconscious.

Still, they said I died, but only for a few minutes. They manage to get my heart beating again quickly after. They tried explaining more, that it was possible to do it and all that bull, but I didn’t care. I was just glad to know I was alive.

I recall, though, my first conscious memory.

That is, I had several nearly conscious moments, and I don’t really know which were real, and which weren’t. I remember seeing lights, I remember talking to Jake, running from Kevin in a nightmare, I remember hearing voices and birds twittering. I remember someone touching my hand, touching my cheek, touching my throat. But finally, I really did wake up.

My eyes wouldn’t open for the longest time. They were so heavy, and everything hurt. This can’t be heaven, I managed to think. But how can I still be alive? Am I still under all that dirt? Am I still dying?

But there was light. So I couldn’t- unless I really was dying. Though all these years, I thought that light was just metaphorical, not literal. After a few minutes, however, my eyes opened and I found that there was a literal light near by. Along with several machines to my left that, from the looks of it, were busily keeping me alive. There wasn’t a window, though, to see outside. How long then, had it been since I saw sunlight?

Then I saw Alex, and the feeling in my heart, as stupid as it sounds, made me forget about the need to see sunlight ever again. He, I knew, would be worth living in the dark if I had to.

His hair was an absolute mess. There were dark circles under his eyes. His forehead was covered in a huge badly done bandage with blood that had soaked through. Somehow he’d also gotten a black eye, cut lip- more cuts and bruises all over his arms. A fight? Then his clothes look pretty dirty… in all, Alex Gaskarth looks terrible.

But if he leaves, I’ll kill him. I want him right now- no. I need him. Right now. Plus forever.

The emotion tugs so deep, tears start falling. I curl my hand around his tightly, as though holding on for dear life. That tugs him slowly back to life, as he blearily blinks his eyes open, trying to realize what’s happening. “Bay… you-” he jumps up, cutting off his words and then quickly steps forward, wrapping his arms around me. “Oh my gosh, Bailey….” He murmurs in my hair. “I thought I lost you, I thought I- I’d never…”

He starts pulling away. “No,” I muster stubbornly and I shakily hold on to him tightly. “Don- don’t leave. Don’t ever, ever leave. Please.” My tongue is hard to work, but I force it, choking on my words.

“I won’t,” he whispers and carefully climbs on to the hospital bed with me. “I’m not ever going to leave you, Bay. Never.” His arms are looped around me again. There’s pain racking throughout my body, but I just don’t care. It doesn’t matter. All I care is that I’ve got Alex back with me right now.

My exhaustion creeps back as the tears slow. Just as I’m trailing back into dreamland, I feel Alex’s lips cross against my cheek. The tingle runs through my body to my heart and I know things can- and will- get better. It’s the last conscious thought of mine for a while.

“Oh my gosh, she looks like a zombie!”

“Shut up, you idiot.”

“Like, the walking dead! Yeah, that movie!”

“You mean Night Of the Living Dead?! Oh dang, that was such a good movie!”

“We should make her watch it later!”

“Yeah! Hey- we could all dress up like zombies! Maybe it’ll make her feel better!”

“Jack? Matt? Shut up!”

“Yeah,” I finally manage to make my tongue work, and my eyes slowly open. “You two… suck.”

“Bailey!” Everyone cries and I wince, my hands finding their way to my ears. Anyone say ow?! Everything seems so much more… painful. Even breathing hurts. “Shhhh!” Missy catches on and quickly hits Jack who’s closest and almost hugs me. “She’s in pain, stupid,” she mutters for everyone.

“Yeah, shhhh…” I blink, my eyelids still heavy. “But you can hug me, I guess,” I sigh, trying to sit up a little. Didn’t work out as everyone piles on me with an “oof!” Then they just stay there, grinning down at me, the lot of them. Then I realize the best face is missing…

“Hey!” Comes the wounded voice. “There aren’t supposed to be dog piles till I’m here! Now get off of my girl!” And everyone promptly gets off me so that I can take a breath again. Alex comes over and plops down the coffee- and Georgie? “Hey, gorgeous,” he offers me a small smile, taking my hand. “I didn’t think you’d wake up till I got back.”

“I didn’t plan on it,” I mutter, glowering at the guys- but it lessens a little as Alex kisses my cheek. “They let you bring a dog in?” I murmur, blinking slowly.

“Not exactly,” he smirks and leans back a little, getting more serious, his eyes wide. “Are you okay? Well, now? Where does it hurt? I’m so sorry I didn’t get to you sooner. I tried, I really did- and, and when I saw you, I thought I’d never see you here again. Or, not here, but alive. I nearly killed myself, I swear, and… and… Bailey! Why do you have to be so perfect?” He pouts after a second.

I blink, my head beginning to pound from… being awake, I suppose. “Wait… what?” I sigh after a minute. “I’m not sure I…” I fall silent for a minute. “You think- you think I’m…”

“Perfect?” He chuckles, pulling Georgie back from trying to lick me. “Doll, you’re perfection, itself. You just haven’t looked in the mirror for a while…” his smile drops a little. “I still remember… I thought I’d lost you forever,” he murmurs, putting his forehead against mine.