If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Bailey

I wake up with the sun, unfortunately, the drugs not being as strong as those in the hospital. Sighing, I glance to the window where I lay, but there’s not anything to see but the clouds. Shifting for comfort, my limbs are sore and tight, but it aches too much to stretch out.

The time passes on my bed stand clock. Six, seven, eight… Its half an hour later when someone knocks on my door. “Come in,” I call in, rasping slightly.

Missy peaks in. “Hey, Bay, did I wake you?”

I shake my head. “I’ve been up since the sun.”

“That’s like four hours,” she says in surprise. “Why didn’t you go back to sleep? Or get someone up?”

I just offer a wan smile. “I’m just tired, Missy.”

“What do you mean? You could have slept.”

“No, I’m just… tired with everything, I guess,” I frown. “Like… life has its ups and downs, right? But lately, I just feel like everything’s at the same level, no matter what happens. That’s all.”

“Depressed?” She asks, worried.

“No,” I shake my head again. “It’s nothing, okay? I just… it’s nothing,” I smile and struggle to sit up with a yawn. “So, I’m ready to change.”

“No pajamas?”

I look down, considering it. “Never mind,” I decide at last. “I’m still cold. But I could use a jacket and a bathroom. My teeth feel fuzzy.”

Missy chuckles and cracks some jokes at my sweatshirts before pulling out a black and white striped one. I don’t quite recognize it, so it might be Alex’s, but it doesn’t matter. Seeing Alex is still asleep, Missy willingly gets John who helps me to the bathroom and locks the door for me with a grin before exiting.

I brush my teeth and wash my face, somewhat sitting on the toilet seat. Then finished, I decide that sleep had to have helped, and I stand, leaning heavily against the sink counter. I mean, that sleep had to have helped, right? I wince, my right leg feeling so heavy and my left aching and screaming it can’t support me.

Shakily, I raise my hand, gritting my teeth and unlock the door. Just a few steps out, I promise myself. I can do that much. Just to my room. Yet I nearly fall over, leaning my elbow on the counter and opening the door. Turn off the light. Taking deep breaths, I push off the counter, grabbing the doorframe, something else to keep grabbing onto and-

Crash.

My body screams in agony and I bring a shaking hand to my mouth to muffle any screams, squeezing my eyes shut. I hear some curses, clattering and open my eyes again to see Alex, Missy and John, wide eyed above me, having rushed up towards the racket.

“Hi,” I manage weakly, trying to sit up and wincing with every move. I think I broke my spine… is there any blood?

“Cheese and crackers, Bailey,” Alex whispers, stepping around behind me. “Just… careful…” he mutters and one last wince and I’m sitting up. “Are you okay?”

“I got back from the hospital yesterday and I just fell over trying to walk out a door,” I mumble, my voice raspy as I hide my face in my hands, mortified at my weakness. “What do you think?”

“Aw, Bailey,” Missy sighs, patting my leg as Alex helps me at least sit up for the moment. “A lot happened. You’re not invincible, Bay.”

John smiles sympathetically and hands over a damp rag, having noticed a gash on the back of my arm had reopened. At least I had taken off my sweatshirt, I suppose… Humiliated, I sit there and lean against the door, letting them rebandage my arm and practically put the sweatshirt on me.

Missy grabs John and they head downstairs, promising to prepare breakfast for everyone. Alex turns to face me for a moment, gazing into my eyes. “I know you don’t like needing help,” he says softly. “But we don’t think you’re weak. No one does. You’re strong, going through… through everything, okay? None of us can imagine how horrible it was. So just, stop putting yourself down. Everyone thought they’d only be able to say hi and you’d be off to bed. But you stayed up and alive for most the evening, and it surprised them. But please, Bailey, warn someone next time, okay? Enough trying for today, too, please?” He smiles hopefully.

I sigh with a crestfallen face, still not feeling so great. “I… I guess,” I say at last in a small voice.

Alex sighs, putting his hand on my head and stroking my hair for a moment. After a minute, he leans over and kisses my jaw line and stands. “Come on, breakfast time, doll,” he murmurs, and picks me up carefully.

Sighing heavily into his chest, I watch as we descend the steps and I’m helped into the wheelchair. Cass is up and wants to push me- well, everyone wants to push the wheelchair like it’s a toy or car, but Cass gets to- and we all crowd around the kitchen. Alex hands me some coffee which I accept gratefully, although I have to set it aside for a while, because it’s too hot, and I still have to use a straw for all drinks because of my lip.

Looking around, I see that some people didn’t stay the night here, and some aren’t coming back, having only stayed for yesterday. But that was… it was nice, that big welcome. I’d’ve never thought… I mean, sure, Alex knows these people. I know a few. But they all seem to care. It’s really new to me, I guess.

Pulling a smile as Missy and Gab come by, they also find me a straw and some food for me, bringing me closer to the table. The time drags on slowly and merrily with everyone, and a few more people have to head out, with other appointments, and wish me luck before they go.