If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Alex

“Alex! Put the phone down!”

I jump in surprise and turn around to Zack who’s giving me a pointed look. “What?” I whine. “I wasn’t doing anything!”

“You were,” Jack snorts. “Third call and it’s still the first day.”

“But- but she went to the shrink today! I have to know how it went.”

“Maybe you need to go see one,” Jack rolls his eyes.

“Well we all know you need to see one,” I point out.

“Only if she’s in her birthday suit,” he smiles cheekily.

“Wait till I tell your girlfriend,” Zack snickers.

“Meanie!” Jack throws the pillow from the couch. “Or, or I’ll tell Missy that… that…”

I take the chance to run off to the bunks and shut the curtain for privacy. I dial the numbers quickly and wait. One ring…two…three… “Alex?”

“Bay!” I smile at the sound of her voice. “Hey. I wanted to call and see how everything went.”

Her already tired voice groans. “No. I hate her. I hate this. Make it stop?”

“What? Why?” I furrow my brow, trying to figure out her few words. Who’s ‘her’?” But as she starts talking, I roll my eyes and recall it’s her shrink. Or therapist.

“Because,” she sighs. “I just- I don’t know. She knows how… how to respond, but she can’t connect. No one can connect. You- everyone… just… can’t understand it. I mean, people think it might be like… like some horror house or Haunted place, but it was so much more, because it really was real. I’m just… I don’t know.”

I consider her words, nodding and trying to think of something to say. “Well, I get that. I get I can’t understand or even imagine anything that happened,” I say softly, hugging my pillow and staring at a picture of her I’d grabbed. “I do, Bailey. But… is that what she’s really there to help you with?”

“No…” she says reluctantly.

“Well, then,” I tell her pointedly. “Now that that piece is figured out, what else?”

“I… well, something about fighting my personal demons. Um, inner demons. Something?”

“Hmm…”

She’s quiet for a moment and I can imagine her on the couch, fiddling with the frayed edges of a pillow on her lap or petting Sebastian, just thinking. “I just… I feel like… like people are tiptoeing around everything sometimes, avoiding subjects so they won’t bother me.” Bay sounds really depressed and dejected by this.

“Well, what’s the issue, Bay? It’s we can’t imagine what really all happened to you. So we aren’t avoiding it, but we’re moving past it, to move on to anything that we can help you with.”

“Ugh. She said that.”

I laugh lightly. “I’m sure she did. Did she say anything else? Moving on to anything, or what to do or something?”

“Well… she said to let go of secrets. Because all mine did, was hurt people.”

We’re quiet, only breathing softly over the line. “And?” I ask her softly. “Did you?”

“I…” she sighs. “Ow,” she mutters.

“What? Are you okay?”

“No, yeah- I just rubbed my bandage,” she mumbles. “It’s fine. No blood falling, Al.”

“Okay, good. But back to the point,” I’m curious to her answer, but I don’t want to push her, I remind myself. Just trying to help her in anyway I can, right?

“I… well, I’ve been trying to think about my secrets.”

“Mhm?” I stop myself from trying to egg her on too much or anything, but let her choose it all.

“And… I think, that she’s sort of right, but… but I don’t think I can say everything all at once,” she says carefully. “That… it’ll take time.”

“Okay, that’s reasonable, that’s good.” I pause and ask hesitantly, “Do you want to start?”