If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Bailey

He’s on edge.

Why is he on edge? I tried asking him not once, not twice, but at least five times throughout the day. And he won’t give me a straight answer.

“What? Oh. I’m fine.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Um… tour stuff.”

“Hey, Sebastian ran into a wall.”

“I- I don’t know yet.”

“Not ready. Sorry, later.”

I keep feeling like he’s going to dump me or something, and now it’s setting me on edge as well. It’s extremely frustrating, that’s what it is. Especially because I’m currently planting some flowers. It’s a part of therapy, apparently. So Alex and I ran by the garden department of Target, picked up some jasmine and hibiscus seeds, and now I’m planting them carefully into little pots.

They work so much better when they are fake. But she didn’t listen, so here I am. Sighing, I stare at them. I think I pressed too hard on the dirt. Did I? How would I know? Or do I want it lose? Wait- which one did I plant in each? Or did I mix them up? What if I only planted one of them- but I don’t have enough pots.

I’m going crazy.

“Alex!” I open the door to the music room and he glances up from fiddling on the keyboard. “I’m sick of it. What’s your problem?”

“Problem?” He blinks.

“You’ve been crazy all day,” I remind him. “What is it?” He shrugs and avoids my gaze, turning back to the instrument. “Is it dinner? Band? Dogs? Guitar? Song? Is it me?” He pauses. “What did I do?” I frown, trying to retract my memory.

“No,” he hurries. “It wasn’t you! It’s me.” He pauses. “And we’re not breaking up.”

“We’re not?”

“We’re good, aren’t we?” He adds carefully. I nod slowly. “Oh! Then okay.” But his smile fades as I continue scowling at him. Sighing, he runs a hand through his hair and rubs his neck agonizingly. What is he wanting to tell me?

“Some lawyers came over,” he says finally. “They want you to talk… at the trial.”

I’m stumped. “They’re seriously going to do a trial?”

“It’s legit,” he reminds me.

Then reality shocks me back to life. “No!” I gasp in horror. “No! NO! NO! Alex!”

“I told them you would,” he adds sheepishly.

“Well that was pretty stupid, wasn’t it?” I seethe. “How could you! I don’t- I don’t want- to remember. That- they don’t need me! They should just be able- kill him!” I’m shaking, I realize- but from fear or anger, I’m not sure. But the idea of seeing him again, in any way, terrifies me.

“Bailey!” Alex hurries over, grabbing my arm and keeping me steady. “Breathe,” he reminds me.

“I am,” I grit my teeth, concentrating on doing just that. “Why- would you do that?” I manage, shaking my head in disbelief.

“Because- something good might come from it,” he says slowly.

“Oh really?” I ask sarcastically. “In this circumstance, forgiveness is not an option!”

“Not like that,” he assures me. “But you know- I mean, just to be sure you won’t see him again. To see him go off on chains. And this wasn’t all, the news will be there and they’ll be paying you to-”

“I don’t want their money!”

“It’s not about the money,” he groans, frustrated.

“Well make up your mind on what it’s about,” I cross my arms, dropping the crutches for good. “Because I’m ready to leave.” Leave where, I don’t know, but this isn’t sounding any better.

“Because- well, they said that with you as a witness, which they don’t really have- and they couldn’t exactly prove he’s done everything… with you as a witness,” he repeats, “he may get more than just a life sentence.”

I blink, a little confused- and hopeful, I admit. “Kill him?”

“Or,” he nods, “at least high security. The highest, which he didn’t have before. He just had average. So… if you talk, he’ll get the security or death- and no matter what, there is absolutely no way he will ever be able to escape and hurt you again.”

I frown. “That’s what they said last time.”